Heart Of Darkness: Part 4

It took it's sweet time, but Spring has finally sprung, and I am practically giddy! While the thought of all of the plants over at our old house that need to be dug up and transplanted to our new place is quite overwhelming, I am bolstered by thoughts of the numerous possibilities for this new canvas. Like a butterfly, I'm emerging from my cold and dreary cocoon of winter, and I'm transformed by the warm sun on my face and soft dirt between my toes. I don't know if I'll ever feel as good as I did as I came out of this depression 10 years ago, but there are glimpses of that euphoria. 

My recovery was far from overnight. Antidepressant medication is not a magic pill. It still takes about 6 weeks to take affect, and that was certainly the case for me. My mother came to live with us during that time to help me recover. With her here, Tim and I could spend some much needed time alone together, and our relationship healed. She allowed me to take naps whenever I needed one, which I couldn’t do before she came. I talked to a therapist for a couple of months, but didn’t feel like she was helping me much. It became very important for me to talk with my friends and Tim. Tim and I could grieve together the fact that our child is autistic. I became really close with a few friends, something I had found hard to do in the past. With these friends, my "hens", I felt there was nothing I couldn’t share with them. They listened when I needed to talk about my struggles with Pierce. I made sure that Tim was talking about my depression and how it was affecting him. I didn’t want him to hide anything around his friends for my sake. I encouraged him to talk to one of his friends from church that had struggled with depression before. This friend was able to share some things with Tim about depression that I had not voiced yet. It was helpful for both of us. For a long time, I was unable to talk to God, because I felt so ashamed. By telling our friends and family about what I was going through, we had many people praying on my behalf. I read many books on depression, and kept my eyes open for health stories on the internet dealing with the subject. I made more of an effort to tell Tim when I had reached my limit with the kids. He would encourage me to take a long, hot shower or bubble bath, while he took over with the kids. He would also encourage me to get out, especially to scrapbook, since he knew it was a passion of mine and a creative outlet for me. It was important for me to distract myself with something I enjoyed. I would listen to calming music as I did housework, or while driving in the car. After about 2 months of treatment, I noticed that I felt happier than I had felt in a very long time. It's a very difficult feeling to describe. I had not been able to comprehend just how deep in despair I was, until I wasn't anymore. I thought, "So THIS is what it feels like to be truly happy! THIS is normal!". It was a joy so intense, that at times I felt my heart would burst! I could laugh again, honest-to-goodness, pure laughter. I'd been hurting for so long, I couldn’t even remember a time when I had felt so happy and at peace. Medication does have it's drawbacks. One of those for me is that I'm not near as emotional as I used to be. It's extremely rare for me to have a good cry over something. It takes a lot to make me teary. The funny part about that is that Tim and I now are total opposites. HE is the one to tear up over something sappy and sentimental or sad, while I sit back and tease him mercilessly. Ha!

I just can’t stress enough that there is hope for you if you are suffering. The first step is admitting you need help. If you see a friend or loved one is at risk for depression, please don’t hesitate to talk to them. Don’t be afraid to risk a friendship; you may be saving her life. However, choose your words wisely. You could make her feel more guilt about her situation by telling her how she needs to fix her life. Trust me, she already feels more condemned than you could know. Don't offer advice, just offer to listen and help any way you're capable, and if you've been where she is, TELL HER SO. Make her feel she is NOT alone. That is one of the biggest lies that Satan can tell. The best thing you can do for her is pray. Educate yourself, especially if you have teenagers. Learn to recognize the early signs of depression. You may be able to stop it before it starts. Thanks for reading, and thanks so much to everyone that has offered me encouragement, both while I was suffering, and while I've shared my story. If you have a story to tell, share it! Depression should be taboo no longer!!

Heart Of Darkness: Part 3

I had this post in the planning, but the suicide of Rick Warren's son over the weekend has people talking, especially in the Christian community. So, my blog post about depression is joining many out there this week, which, I think, is a discussion that is MUCH needed. I'm a huge believer in finding the silver lining, and I think that is what's happening here. There is a stigma concerning depression among Christians, and it needs to stop NOW. If we start talking about this, more people can get the help they need.

First, let's look at a few biblical accounts of depression. Moses began to feel burdened by the wailing of the Israelites in the desert and called out to the Lord. In Numbers 11:14-15 he says, “I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now- if I have found favor in your eyes- and do not let me face my own ruin.” The Lord responds by calling Moses together with 70 of Israel’s elders. Verse 17 says, “I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take of the Spirit that is on you and put the Spirit on them.  They will help you carry the burden of the people so that you will not have to carry it alone.”

Elijah had just successfully defeated the prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel, but his life is threatened by Jezebel. He ran for his life to Beersheba. He journeyed into the desert and prayed this prayer to God: “I have had enough, Lord! Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” The Lord provided him with food twice. An angel said to him, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” He had compassion for Elijah.

Job has a whole book detailing his depression and suffering. Lamentations is another book full of laments written by Jeremiah about his distress over the destruction of Jerusalem. And finally, Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane was certainly distressed. Mark 14:33-34 reads, “He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,’ he said to them. ‘Stay here and keep watch.’”

So, is depression spiritual weakness? Well, I believe the answer to this is in the scriptures. In all of these examples I’ve just mentioned, not once does God rebuke. Instead, he shows compassion when these men are emotionally distraught. In the story of Job, his friends are convinced that he must have sinned and brought all of this pain on himself. God rebukes Job’s friends. Job 42:7 says, “After the Lord had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, ‘I am angry with you and your two friends because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.’”

Depression is part of God’s design. He knew that we would have losses in life and that we would struggle with them. Depression helps us release that which we have lost. Grief, sorrow, and despair are all God-given emotions. As I researched and read after receiving my diagnosis, there seemed to be a debate over medication. Does a Christian with depression really NEED medication? Shouldn't they just pray harder and study scripture more and eventually God will bring them out of it? I can’t tell you how hurtful this is for a fellow Christian to hear. A depressed Christian is not a spiritually weak person. Depression is medical condition. The brain is chemically unbalanced, and this is repaired by anti-depressants. Do I believe that God could take away a Christian’s depression with prayer and petition? Of course; I couldn’t be a Christian if I didn’t believe that God can do any and all things. However, we would never dream of telling a diabetic that they wouldn’t be dependant on insulin if their faith in God was what it should be. Who would tell a cancer patient that they don't need chemo or surgery, they just need to spend more time in prayer?! Why is depression different? At the same time, I don’t believe some magic pill is going to take your depression away. Depression is best treated with a combination of therapies. Counseling should go hand in hand with medication. Talking to anyone is part of the recovery. You can’t expect to get better while keeping everything bottled up inside, even if you are on an antidepressant.

Because of my family history, and because I've had 2 prior bouts with clinical depression, my doctor feels, and I agree, that it's best that I stay on an antidepressant, possibly for life. Call it a crutch, if you must. But when I find myself sliding into that pit again every winter, even ON the medication, I know I'm making the right choice. I'll talk more about my recovery in the next post. Gotta go; the warm weather is beckoning me outside, and there's yard work to be done!

Heart Of Darkness: Part 2

Fast forward to 2002. Summer of that year was very hard. Pierce was losing all of the skills he had learned that year in school. We were still being told that he just had a speech delay, and that it would be gone by Kindergarten. By the time school started again in the fall of 2002, his teacher could tell something wasn’t right. About that time is when I started having trouble sleeping. By Christmas, Pierce's teacher suggested we get a psych. evaluation for him. I had absolutely no interest in celebrating Christmas that year, but I had to for the kids. I start to hate being around other moms. They would talk about their normal children, and I felt I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. I started to feel so jealous. I couldn’t stop going to events, because people would wonder if something was wrong. I wouldn’t want anyone to talk about me. I’m a pretty good actress (or so I’ve been told), so I would go to scrapbook night, or a Pampered Chef party and no one suspected I was screaming inside.

Winter of 2003 was an especially bleak one. I have a pretty detailed account in my therapy journal, but I'll spare you and give the highlights. On January 14th, the 3rd report card came out. There, in black and white, was confirmation that Pierce was in serious trouble. In addition to our struggles with Pierce, I started to think I'd never see the sun again. We had lots of snow (a total of 17 inches here in Nashville, which is a big deal for us), and cancelled school. On January 16th, 8 inches of snow began falling while kids were in school. Everyone has a story about that day. Total chaos. Once school was finally cancelled, it took me 2 hours to get to there, and another 2 hours to get home. In February, Reagan got the stomach flu and became so dehydrated that she had to spend about 24 hours in the hospital. These incidents may feel like no big deal to you, but for me, they were pushing me closer and closer to my breaking point. In March, we began the process of having Pierce evaluated for autism. I've already explained in previous posts the grieving process that happened during this time. I wasn't grieving a child lost in death, rather the loss of my dreams for him. I started to feel like a monster. I didn’t want to adjust to having an autistic child, I just wanted a normal child. I hated myself for feeling that way. I didn’t feel like a devoted mother and a loving wife. I wasn’t sleeping at night, so I was exhausted all day. I also started to feel pain in my joints. Because of my extensive family history of Lupus, I began to worry that I may finally have succumbed to the disease as well. All I felt was despair. I would cry out to God, but I felt like he wasn’t listening to me. I would go to church and to Ladies Class and leave in tears. Occasionally this was actually being said, most times it wasn't, but what my sick mind was hearing was that I wasn’t good enough. If I just prayed harder and studied harder and trusted God more, my pain and hopelessness would go away. I would ask God, “What am I doing wrong?”. Eventually, I reached a point where the only thing I could feel was numbness. I had no more tears to cry. I couldn't hear God or feel His presence, and I had no energy left to try to speak to Him. The pain of depression is crippling, but to feel nothing is absolutely terrifying. I may have had a few thoughts of suicide, but mostly I just wanted to run away. I wanted to jump in my car, leave everyone and everything, and just drive, as if I could drive away from my demons. Finally, by the end of March, Tim tried to get me to talk about why I was so distant. I told him that I felt absolutely no love for him at all. That's when he knew I desperately needed help. 

Tim and my mother encouraged me to talk to my doctor about everything I was experiencing at my upcoming annual checkup. I had her test me for lupus and check my thyroid, but she was pretty convinced that I was in a deep depression. When depression goes on long enough, it can start to cause you physical pain as well as mental anguish. She felt like that was what was happening to me. Sure enough, the lupus and thyroid tests came back normal. I told a friend, one of the very few I had confided in, that I wasn’t sick, I was just crazy.