Recently, Tim and I saw It’s A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, and I was reminded that Fred Rogers was one-of-a-kind. Last year, we saw Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, the documentary on Fred’s life, so I already knew that Mr. Rogers was not just a character. Fred Rogers was every bit as gentle with people behind the scenes as he was on camera. He was human, and like all humans, he experienced anger. It was what he did with that anger that made him different. He punched pillows or banged on piano keys, taking out his frustrations on inanimate objects. Fred Rogers was a preacher, and he was motivated to develop a show for children after seeing the violence in programming that was aimed at kids. What I gleaned from the documentary and the fictional movie based on him, was that Fred Rogers was not prone to fits of righteous indignation. He didn’t preach “shame on the world!” from a pulpit. He saw what children needed, and he set to work creating a safe space for them. When asked why he was so committed to his show, he didn’t defend his work by railing against the downfall of society. He only expressed a deep love for children.
I’ve read lots of books this year (look for another post about my 2019 faves). One of my favorite authors has been Brené Brown; I read four of her books. She is a research professor that studies and lectures on the effects of shame. I’ve learned a lot. There is way too much shame in our society: mommy shaming, slut shaming, body shaming, church shaming, celebrity shaming, even dog shaming (I can’t lie, I love a good dog-shaming picture). Parents use shame to correct their children. Managers and bosses use shame to spur their employees towards better job performance. Teachers use shame to motivate their students into being better than. Churches shame their congregants into believing that they will never be good enough for heaven. And we on social media are panting for any excuse to shame the person that cut us off in traffic, the talk show host that said something inflammatory, the politician that is the polar opposite of all we believe in, the millennials that can’t do anything right, etc., etc. Please notice that I used the word “we”. I’ve participated in this ritual of shaming more times than I’d like to admit; Facebook Memories likes to remind me of all the awful stuff I’ve said over the years. I take the scenic route to and from work mainly because I don’t like the angry, aggressive driver I become on the interstate.
I’m tired of being shamed, watching others be shamed, and inflicting shame. This year, I’ve begun making a conscious effort to put an end to this type of behavior. I think long and hard about what I want to say. I’ve stopped following the social media accounts of people, conservatives AND liberals, that routinely shame others, either for laughs or for malice. I’ve been called a self-righteous hypocrite. Perhaps the accusation is correct. I do think I’m better than some people. I am better than 1992 Melissa. I am better than 2003 Melissa. I am better than 2014 Melissa. Soon, I want to say that I’m better than 2019 Melissa. If refusing to participate in or listen to the shaming of others or striving to become a better version of myself makes me “self-righteous”, then so be it. By choosing to take a stand, I may lose a few followers, or lose more than I already have this year. I want to live by Michelle Obama’s motto: When they go low, we go high. I am under no illusions that I will wake up tomorrow as a person incapable of having a quick temper. I can only try not to sin in my anger. Maybe I can take a page out of Mr. Rogers’s playbook and focus my energy on telling the world what I am for instead of what or who I am against.
