The Final Countdown

My flight to Mexico leaves in less than 36 hours, and yes, I am excited. I am also in FULL CATASTROPHIZING FREAKOUT MODE. My brain is scrolling through every worst case scenario it can imagine. I already hate flying, and the plane from Miami to Merida is much smaller than I’m used to. I think one of the worst aspects of flying for me is the total lack of control I have over travel. Security could take forever, flights could be delayed, my luggage is being handled by strangers and it may or may not make it onto the right plane. I don’t get to choose my seat mate, and I can’t move if I don’t like said seat mate. I can’t control the lights, sounds, or temperature the way I can in the car. I can’t pull over for a snack break or to stretch my legs. You get the picture. I’ve been packing for days, and I’m already paralyzed by the WHAT AM I FORGETTING? panic. Usually I can tell myself, “It’s ok. You can buy what you forget once you get there.” But Mexico’s Walmarts are WAY different than Nashville’s (duh). There’s a whole lot of stuff I won’t be able to find in their supermercados. 

I know, I know. No one wants to hear any complaints from me about taking 2 months off to be a beach bum. I’m not looking for hand-holding or comments like, “Relax! You’ll be fine!”, because when in the history of ever has telling an anxious person to “just relax” been an effective method of calming them down? NEVER. Some of you are worried about little ol me traveling alone in another country and understandably so. I am a little terrified myself. So maybe I’m writing this as much for me as I am for all of you. Here are some things about my trip you should know.

• Chelem is a very small, very quiet town; no tourist traps or hustlers. It’s actually increasing in popularity among expats.
• My AirBNB has a security system.
• Tim and I stayed in this house for a week in July to make sure it would be safe for me to stay there alone, and we had no concerns.
• I am a one mile walk from restaurants.
• There is a shuttle from Chelem to Progresso for 2 pesos a person. Progresso is 10 miles away from Chelem, where there are supermarkets and more restaurants.
• My AirBNB host has arranged for a driver to pick me up at the airport in Merida (which is about 30 miles from Chelem) AND this driver will take me to a supermarket to pick up groceries before driving me to the AirBNB. 
• Tim is hoping to join me for a few days in late January/early February.
• My español is…decent enough…I hope…

In Miami, I maintained radio silence for the 6 weeks I was there (meaning no posts on social media). In Mexico, I’m thinking I may post a weekly update so no one worries whether or not I’m still alive out there. It is not lost on me how fortunate I am to have this opportunity. I will do my best to appreciate and savor every minute. May your 2021 be a helluva lot better that this hot dumpster fire mess that was 2020.

50 Before 50 Progress Report: Learning

I just celebrated my 46th birthday. A few months ago, I created a 50 Before 50 challenge to make the 50 months leading up to my 50th birthday more interesting. Goals fell into 5 categories: learning, giving, fun, investing, and self-improvement. I’m 2 months into the challenge. Progress has been a bit slower than I’d planned, but at least there is progress to report. To save you from a lengthy post, I will give you updates one category at a time. Here are my learning goals: 

1. 50 songs on piano

2. 50 skills or facts about a subject I know little about

3. 50 minutes a week learning Spanish

4. 50 podcasts

5. 50 card games

6. 50 ways/languages to say I Love You

7. 50 things to make instead of buy

50 songs on piano: 1/50

I’m not doing so great with the piano. I don’t like practicing in front of people, and the keyboard is in the living room. There’s always people around. But soon, our downstairs reno will be complete and Reagan will use one of those bedrooms when she’s home from school. Her old bedroom can become an office/craft/music room. I started taking some lessons online, but found that I knew a lot of the basics and theory already. I’ve decided to just jump in and start learning one piece of music at a time. I have picked up a short little song. It’s a few simple bars that are repeated about 50 times. I’ll post a video. 

50 skills or facts about a subject I know little about: 1/50

I love yearly planners. I also love making lists and journaling. But it’s hard to find a perfect all-in-one book. Bullet journaling has intrigued me for a couple of years. It looks fun, but popular Instagram accounts and Pinterest boards are so intricate, decorative, and flawless, they make BuJo seem too complicated. I like to draw, but I am no artist by ANY stretch of the imagination. I found some bullet journaling classes on SkillShare, and I’ve watched a lot of videos. I’ve learned that bullet journaling can be as basic or fancy as you want it to be. I started a bullet journal in July, and I’m having fun with it. By keeping my design simple on most pages, I can spend a little more time dressing up a handful of pages, like calendars or monthly title pages. This book for July-December 2020 is my practice journal. I can play around with a few different styles until I find one that works best for me.

50 minutes a week learning Spanish: Crushing it, yet still feel dumb

As you may know, I have another winter sabbatical planned for January and February 2021, this time in Mexico. I took 2 years of Spanish in high school, but that was a million years ago. After a scouting trip to Mexico in July to check out the tiny town and the beach house I’ll be living in for 2 months, I realized I needed to get serious about improving my Spanish. I started using the Dulingo app in July, and I’ve got an 80 day streak of daily lessons. Although the sabbatical in Mexico is my main motivation, I have another major reason to learn the language. Bates has 4 staffers from Mexico. A couple of these guys (Pedro and Abelardo) were there long before I came on the scene. Oscar was hired about 3 years ago, and his wife Laura joined my greenhouse crew this spring. While the guys know enough to get by, Laura doesn’t speak English. The other app that has proven MOST helpful to me is SpanishDict. I use it throughout the work day to type in what I want to say to Laura and get the Spanish translation. After about 6 months of working together, our communication has improved. It’s mostly a combo of charades, me consulting the app, patience and profuse apology on both our parts, shrugging, and laughter. Laura knows I’m trying to learn the language, so she will occasionally offer me the Spanish term for certain plants or things she’s doing. We recently figured out both of our birthdays are in September, and we somehow managed an exchange about what kind of cake and gifts we like: chocolate cake and flowers for me and tres leche cake and perfume for Laura. Last Monday was my birthday and my day off. When I got back to work the next day, Laura gave me yellow roses and a cake. I’ve worked with Pedro and Abelardo since I first started at Bates 6 years ago. I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I haven’t made more of an effort before now to communicate with them in español. Working with Laura every day has helped me with my conversational skills in Spanish more than any app could. We’re fortunate to call each other amigas.

50 podcasts: 6/50

Good Christian Fun- I listened to this a lot last year, but with so many episodes (150), I got a little overwhelmed. I recently picked it back up. This podcast is all about analyzing Christian pop culture. There are 2 hosts and a different guest every week. Some of these guests are self-proclaimed Christians, many are not. If you are easily offended, this is NOT for you. They poke a lot of fun at Christian music, movies, and kids videos, but there’s also deep and honest discussions about faith and deconstruction.

Oh, Hello the P’dcast- I’m a big John Mulaney fan. When I heard he was involved in a podcast, I was instantly on board. He’s teamed up with Nick Kroll, and they play fictional characters “investigating” a crime. It’s weird and goofy, but fun.

The Daily- In an effort to become more knowledgable about politics and current events, I started listening to this podcast from The New York Times. Every day, there’s a deep-dive about a story in the news, as well as a brief summary of top headlines. 

The Dream (season 1)- Investigative reporting on Multi Level Marketing, particularly why so many women are attracted to MLM. I enjoyed this.

Dolly Parton’s America- I’ve never claimed to be a Dolly fan…until now. She is a freakin delight. 

Dissect (season 7)- I’ve listened to  seasons 1, 2, 5, and 6. Season 7 just started a couple weeks ago. Each season analyzes an album track by track. This season looks at Childish Gambino’s Because The Internet. Dissect satisfies my inner music geek. 

50 card games: 0

I’ve got some work to do. Maybe I need to spend some time with my college girl and her friends.

50 ways/languages to say I Love You: 1/50

Te amo is I love you in Spanish.

50 things to make instead of buy: 2/50

Several weeks ago, we ended up with a surplus of peaches. Normally when I make cobbler, I use canned fillings. But with the extra peaches on hand, I decided to make my own. I was not disappointed. The second thing I made was granola. I have a tiny addiction to granola. Cascadian Farms makes a lemon blueberry variety that I LOVE. But for whatever reason, it has become impossible to find in stores. Ordering it on Amazon costs about $10 a bag. I set out on a quest to make my own. I found a recipe for this and several other varieties of granola on Pinterest. Then I went to Sprouts and spent WAY more than $10 on ingredients (I told myself this would make several batches of granola, so the cost would even out in the end. So far, I’ve only made one batch.) I was only marginally pleased with my end result. I think the recipe needs some tweaking to taste more like the CF brand.

This wasn’t supposed to be lengthy, but oh well. I’ll write about my other goals in the coming weeks.

The Dog Days of Summer

August is not my favorite. At work, I find myself having to search for things to do, and this makes the HOT workday crawl. All of our summertime projects in the greenhouse have been completed. Plants have been cleaned up and fertilized. Summer annuals have come and mostly gone and it’s a little too soon for a full truckload of fall annuals. At home, I have more time to work in my yard, but it’s hot as Hades outside. 

Since the pandemic began, I’ve had little to no motivation to get any writing done. I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, discouraged by the lack of progress on my book. When Tim and I talked about this over dinner last weekend, he assured me that I had plenty of material, probably more than I thought I had. I’ve spent the last several days doing a closer analysis of everything I’ve written, even mining through old blog posts for anything useful. I found lots of stuff I’d forgotten about, including the “novel” I’d started for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) about 7 years ago. I did a word count on all of this material and was stunned at the number staring back at me. 

There are still a few stories to tell and others I need to wrap up, but this word count is very encouraging. I even submitted to a couple of literary journals and an essay competition last week, something I haven’t done in months. I received some pretty nasty criticism of the last essay I published, and even though I know the opinion of this one single person is total BS, that email did plant a little seed of doubt within me. I’m angry with myself for allowing them to rent space in my head again. There are several people in my life that truly matter to me, so I’m trying to focus on their voices. I’m toying with the idea of starting a GoFundMe campaign sometime in the next 6 months to help with book publication costs. I’m just not sure it’s appropriate when there are so many worthy causes that need funding. The jury’s still out on this idea. 

While I don’t like the funk I’m in, I do appreciate the perspective it has brought me. I’m reminded that the only deadlines I have for this book are ones I impose upon myself. I’m competing against no one. I can’t please everyone so I need to stop trying to please anyone. The dog days of summer won’t last forever. Pumpkin spice everything is coming.

50 Before 50

The countdown to 50 starts tomorrow! Well, it started the day I was born, but you know what I mean. Since this is a lengthy list, I won’t bore you by going into detail on every single goal. But I plan to give updates on my progress, and I’ll take time to focus on one or two goals in those posts. I’ve broken this list down into five categories: Learning, Giving, Fun, Investing, and Self-Improvement. My intention is to do one of every item on the list each month, as opposed to knocking out one goal every month. For example, I won’t spend 50 consecutive days tech-free, but maybe just one day every month. Obviously I won’t be drinking 50 different bottles of wine in one month, but one bottle a month for 50 months is doable. So without further ado, here’s my list. I have 50 months/217 weeks/1522 days to complete it or at least come close. 

Learning

1. 50 songs on piano

2. 50 skills or facts about a subject I know little about

3. 50 minutes a week learning Spanish

4. 50 podcasts

5. 50 card games

6. 50 ways/languages to say I Love You

7. 50 things to make instead of buy

Giving

1. $50 a month to one of 50 different charities

2. 50 hours volunteering 

3. Send 50 notes of encouragement

4. 50 random acts of kindness

5. Tip 50% 

6. 50 compliments

7. 50 positive Yelp reviews

8. 50 bags of food to donate

9. Give up 50 things

Fun

1. Read 50 new authors

2. Watch at least one season of 50 different TV shows 

3. 50 movies; 1 from every year of my life

4. 50 new musical artists

5. Try 50 new-to-me foods

6. 50 new restaurants

7. 50 different bottles of wine

8. 50 things I’m “too old” to do

9. 50 things I’ve always wanted to do

10. 50 new playlists

11. Make a list of 50 vacations I want to take or places I want to visit AFTER age 50

12. Laugh at least once every day

13. Celebrate 50 National _________ Days

Investing (this includes time spent working on relationships)

1. Invest $50 a month

2. 50 submissions to literary journals or contests

3. Save $50 a week for 50th birthday trip

4. Sign 50 petitions/emails

5. Complete 50 2-page spreads in the kids' scrapbooks

6. 50 1-on-1 outings with Reagan

7. 50 1-on-1 outings with Pierce

8. 50 social gatherings with friends

9. 50 different dates with Tim

10. Monthly emails to my MIL

Self Improvement 

1. 50 pull-ups 

2. Write 50 stories about my life

3. 50 selfies or photos taken of me

4. 50 days tech-free

5. 50 things that scare me

6. Journal everyday 

7. Walk 50,000 steps a week

8. 50 squats, sit-ups, or push-ups daily

9. 50 hikes

10. List 50 places I've been

11. 50 creative writing prompts

I Regret (Almost) Nothing

In a few short months, I will be 46. It seems that time moves incrementally faster as I age. I’ve crested the hill of my mid-forties and I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster zipping downhill towards 50. I recently read I Miss You When I Blink, which is FABULOUS, BTW. The author, Mary Laura Philpott, quotes Dani Shapiro who quotes Grace Paley (whew): "The years between ages fifty and eighty go by so fast they feel less like minutes, more like seconds." I had a cracked tooth pulled last week which makes me think dentures are only a matter of time, and maybe it's not too soon to start researching assisted living facilities. I never wanted to be one of those women that begrudgingly enters old age kicking and screaming with every year and yet, when I think about turning 50, I break into a cold sweat. The last 2 birthdays with a zero have been hard to swallow. The older I get, the more things I have to add to my “Murtaugh List”. Side-note- In case you don’t know your ‘80s movies, Danny Glover’s character in Lethal Weapon, Roger Murtaugh, has a catchphrase throughout the movie: “I’m too old for this sh*t”. I find myself saying this on a regular basis. I don’t feel any sort of midlife crisis nor do I regret missed opportunities over the last 46ish years…except maybe one. 

I took piano lessons between the ages of 6 and 14. Those last 2 or 3 years, I became less and less enthused. Once I started marching band in high school, there was no longer time to work in the weekly lessons, so I quite happily dropped piano from my schedule. Only when I became an adult did I wish I’d stuck with it. I acquired the family piano thinking maybe one day I’d pick it up again, but once I became a mom, I learned how little time there was to do something just for me. Piano became something to do once the kids were older. I inherited my grandmother’s baby grand a few years ago, and I thought, “This it it! I’ll finally take lessons again!” I called a reputable piano maintenance and repair company over to tune it, and the technician gave me a grim assessment. The piano needed new strings but even worse, the soundboard was cracked. I’d be looking at a repair bill of around $10,000. My piano dreams died once again. 

A couple weeks ago, I had a random thought about my 50th birthday and how far away it was. It turns out that July 2020 is 50 months away from the big 5-0. I want to make peace with aging instead of fighting or dreading it. I don’t want to mourn my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I want reasons to look forward to turning 50. I decided to compile a list of things I’d like to accomplish. I don’t want homework, so I’m not adding “Try 50 new recipes” (ICYMI, I hate to cook), “Read 50 classics” (life is too short to slog through Moby Dick), or “Run 50 miles” (If you see me running, you’d better run, too, because obviously something is chasing me.). I also want to keep this realistic and feasible, so I’m not adding “See all 50 states”; something I wouldn’t be able to do while working full time. I want to have fun, but I also want to learn, grow, and give back. The first item on my “50 Before 50” list: Learn 50 songs on the piano. I’ve purchased a keyboard (A Yamaha P71 with weighted keys and a sustain pedal). I’ve kept all of my old theory and repertoire books, and there are lots of resources on YouTube. The first few songs may be as simple as Chopsticks, but I hope to tackle more challenging pieces within the next couple of years. 

So far, I’ve only come up with a list of 25 things to accomplish before my 50th birthday. I have a whole month to finalize the list before I begin my challenge. Pinterest hasn’t been super helpful. It seems like every woman’s list has “Achieve my goal weight” or “Host a dinner party every month”…yeah, I’m gonna pass on those. I’d love to hear ideas or suggestions! I’ll share my 50 Before 50 list next month.

Enough is Enough

I was almost arrested once.

I was born and raised in the south. My family wasn’t affluent, but we had what we needed and enjoyed some splurges from time to time. I was jealous of friends whose families could take frequent vacations and buy any new clothes, music, toy, etc. advertised on TV or in magazines. I would’ve said life was a bit of a struggle, but I understood there were others that had it worse. And most of those others were of a different race. From my perspective, the ‘80s were better to my black friends than any decade before. However, South Carolina was a proud southern state still bitter about losing to the yankees. That heritage has been difficult to eradicate. The generational belief that non-whites were less deserving of the rights and goodness bestowed on my race had been diluted over the years, but it was still there. Racial slurs weren’t prevalent in my community, but also not uncommon. I grew up believing the non-whites who were poor or imprisoned were there due to bad choices they’d made. If they would just try harder to be productive, law-abiding citizens, their situations would be much better. Welfare and food stamps only encouraged people to be lazy and take advantage of the government. Since I had black friends and didn’t use the N-word, I didn’t consider myself to be a racist. My run-in with the law happened in 1992. I had a summer job as a cashier at Captain D’s in a town 10-15 miles away from my home. I was not yet 18, and I would be attending Clemson University as a freshman in a few weeks. This particular night, I’d had a closing shift at the restaurant. By the time I’d turned onto Anderson Mill Road, it was almost 11PM. Our house was in a subdivision, but the country road it branched off of was devoid of streetlights. I was a chronic speeder, and this night, I saw police lights in my rearview mirror. I didn’t retain much from my AP English class senior year, but I did recall a warning our teacher gave to us female students. If we were ever driving alone at night on a dark country road and a police officer wanted one of us to pull over, we had the right to get to a well-lit area first as a safety measure. We should just slow down so the cop would know we weren’t trying to evade them as we looked for a safe place to stop. When I saw the cop in my mirror, there were no streetlights anywhere. I was about 1 mile from my house. I decided to slow down and have the cop follow me home. Unfortunately, the cop didn’t know what my intentions were. When I wouldn’t pull over, he turned on the siren. I slowed down more. When I still wouldn’t stop, he drove up beside me and tried to push me off the road. I drove even slower. I was terrified and crying. As I pulled into my driveway, my parents ran outside. The cruiser had barely stopped before the cop leaped out, ran to my car, and tried to yank my door open. Fortunately, it was locked and I wasn’t about to unlock it. I stayed inside the car while the cop yelled at my parents and they tried to talk him down. He wanted to charge me with resisting arrest. Eventually, my parents convinced the cop that I was just a scared girl trying to protect myself and would never dream of doing anything unlawful. He gave me a ticket and court date for me to argue my case (I didn’t win; I was told there was no such rule about allowing solo women drivers to find a safe place to pull over for a traffic violation. I had to pay the fine). This incident became legendary in my family and a way to poke fun at me. 

All of the childhood beliefs I had about race followed me into adulthood, until I slowly began to think for myself and observe the world around me. I learned that class and race were not so easily defined. POC were still struggling, but I became optimistic my generation would change the world. When I became a parent, I vowed to do better; be better. I would not pass down my proud southern heritage. I would teach my children not to make broad assumptions about another race. I thanked God that my children were living in a time that was more welcoming of racial equality. And yet…

Travon Martin

Tamir Rice

Sandra Bland

Ahmad Arbery

Breonna Taylor

George Floyd

…here we are. It is 2020, and I am a middle-aged white woman. It is exhausting and heartbreaking that for all our efforts, racism prevails. As tired as I am, I don’t have to face this fact every day of my life the way POC do. I thought I was doing everything right to make this world a better place. I’ve read books by black authors. I’ve attended bible class discussion groups where I listened to a panel of speakers on the topic of social justice. I’m learning to identify and own my white privilege and wrestle with the sickening truth; I was born on second base while POC were born in the dugout. POC can’t just make better choices because they don’t HAVE better choices. The system has always been and continues to be rigged in favor of white people. I’ve been thinking about that traffic stop in the summer of 1992 a lot lately, but I haven’t found any reason to laugh. Because I’m faced with a chilling reality; if any of my black friends had been the scared teenager driving on that dark country road with an irate cop wanting them to pull over, that traffic stop would’ve ended so much differently. At best, they’d have ended up in prison. At worst, they’d have ended up in a casket. 

White people, we MUST do better. My opinion on the recent protests is this: As a white person, I don’t GET to have an opinion. We have no right to tell POC how they should process yet another incident of police brutality and racial injustice. Our job right now is to shut up and listen. Read books authored by POC about social justice and race (Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson and I’m Still Here by Austin Channing Brown are excellent). Don’t put the burden of education on POC. The onus is on YOU to do the hard work of researching and learning. I have learned much, but I still have SO much more to learn and do. While there should be more listening and less talking, white people can no longer stay silent when we see/hear/read things that perpetuate racism. I used to think it was enough to simply unfollow people on social media when they say or share things that disparage other people or races. But last year, I decided to speak up. I was called a coward for broaching the subject in an email. The last 18 months have been ugly and relationships have been destroyed. I'm not looking for sympathy or a pat on the back. Knowing the pain, stress, and loss I’d endure, would I do it again? Yes. Because POC have lost FAR more than I have and will continue to do so until white people say enough is enough. Educate yourself. Vote. Donate to organizations working towards social justice and racial equality. Be the change you want to see in the world.

Current Mood

Greetings, friends. I hope all is well. The McKay household is coping. Tim was taken out by vertigo last week, something he’s never experienced before. He’s not 100%, but he’s gone back to work today. There’s a very slight possibility that Reagan has been exposed to Covid19, so she got tested today. She received As and Bs for second semester, making her first year at MTSU a success; you know, except for the fact that the campus closed and everyone had to finish the semester online. We’re all wondering if she’ll be moving into a dorm again in a few months, or forced to stay home and take more online courses. Pierce hasn’t left the house in about 10 weeks. We were all looking forward to his final year of participating in Special Olympics with Brentwood High, but it wasn’t meant to be. Tonight, we should be at a graduation ceremony for all of the Transition 2 kids in Williamson County who, like Pierce, have aged out of the system. Now we’re hoping to try this again in July. I’m heartbroken for all of the seniors and their parents that have had their lasts taken away. In a smaller way, I am feeling their pain. I’m still working about 50 hours a week, but most of the Bates staff is feeling a little less underwater now. We’ve passed the peak of the spring season, and we’re coasting into summer. I discovered this broken tooth that has been given both a crown and a root canal is cracked worse than we originally thought and has to come out. Looks like I’ll have some oral surgery in my near future which is swell. At least I’ve had this to be happy about: 

My name and words in print!

My mental health isn’t in the dumpster, but I’m not feeling my best. My efforts to avoid burnout at work haven’t been a total success, and we’re quickly reaching the slow hot days of summer in the greenhouse. There will be less trucks to unload, so my focus will turn to keeping what we have looking good and marketable. This means hours of standing in one place cleaning and fertilizing the plants that are languishing on our tables. At home, I miss being alone so much, I almost ache; I haven’t felt this way since the first few days I got back from sabbatical. I love my people, but I need them to go away every now and then; which of course is not an easy option right now. As I write this, the kids are in their rooms, while the dog is next to me on the couch and her snoring is driving me nuts. When Tim gets home, he’ll watch some videos on his phone…with sound. THE NERVE. I go outside to work in my garden, and the two kids next door are screaming at each other or being screamed at by their parents. I know, I know; first world problems. It just feels like the world is so loud right now, even though so many of us are staying home. I can’t think clearly. I haven’t been writing much of anything lately, which is frustrating but not uncommon, according to the Twitter accounts of some authors I follow. I had all of this momentum when I got home from Miami, then the world had different plans. In February, I felt like I was finally being unboxed, but now it’s May and I feel like I’ve been stuffed back into that box again. I’m so desperate to be the woman that I was 3 months ago, and I’m terrified I’ll never be able to find her again. Though the country is reopening, the future is still so uncertain. I am a list-maker and I NEED A PLAN, PEOPLE. 

This is probably senseless babble and not at all the life-giving post you may have been hoping for. In case you weren’t aware, I’m not superhuman. I can’t keep up the positivity indefinitely. I was planning to post something about parenting a typical kid, specifically a daughter. However, I’m realizing that I’ll need more than a blog post to say all the things I want to say. I’ll just save it for a chapter in my book…that I hope to finish writing…someday…

Obligatory Mother's Day Post

I hate Mother’s Day. There. I said it. There’s this pressure to live up to expectations, either expressed or assumed. There’s guilt and shame if we don’t give the cards, gifts, and heaps of praise on social media society deems as appropriate. Someone is bound to be disappointed. For so many women, tomorrow will be a complicated day filled with a full range of emotions. I want you to know that I see you. 

• Women who have lost their mothers and miss them desperately
• Women who want nothing more in this world than to be mothers themselves
• Women who are single and childless
• Women who have had to bury their children 
• Women who are forced to share custody of their children with a difficult ex-spouse
• Women who are raising their children without a partner and without a supportive and encouraging community 
• Women who want to spend more time at home with their children but can’t afford to reduce their hours or quit their jobs 
• Women who have strained or broken relationships with their adult children  
• Women (and men) who have strained or broken relationships with their own mothers
• Women (and men) whose faces are no longer recognized by the elderly mothers in their care

What I’m trying to say is this: Ladies, do what you want with this day. Celebrate or don’t, and tell guilt and shame to suck it. For me, I’ve always hated that Mother's Day is celebrated on Sundays. Not so much now, but when we were a young family, all of the rushing around to get kids ready for church and then attempting to make it through the service with a kid that has autism, made Sundays one of the most stressful days of the week. More recently, I’ve had to work on Mother’s Day, because it’s spring and the nursery is at its peak of busyness. Tim and the kids make me feel loved and appreciated every day, so here’s my plan for tomorrow. I will send an email to my mother-in-law reiterating my usual messages of appreciation for her constant love, encouragement, and support over the years. I will be grateful for any praise, cards, or treats my family offers, but I won’t get my feelings hurt if I receive nothing. I will enjoy a quiet morning with coffee and a book before I need to be at work. I will bake myself an apricot nectar cake just because I want one. And I will take a break from social media. 

I started to add my thoughts about the relationship between me and Reagan, but the post was getting a bit long. I’ll make that a separate entry.

Zoom Out

I don’t have a list of the #thingsthatgivemelife today, but I do want to talk about a decision I’ve made that, I believe, is helping me preserve my sanity. As you know, I am a mega introvert. I draw energy from alone time. Every interaction I have with another person is another drain of my energy. Working retail is a challenge, even when things are normal. During the spring months, my energy reserves are depleted at the end of every day. Bates Nursery has been classified as an essential business, so we’ve remained open during the statewide mandated closures. But because of the overwhelming volume of web orders we’re receiving, we’ve reduced our shopping hours from the usual 8AM-6PM.  We’re now only open to foot traffic 4 hours a day, from noon to 4. From 8 to noon, we're busy filling orders. About half of our usual seasonal staff has decided it is too risky to work with the public right now, and understandably so. We’ve hired lots of extra people to help pull web orders, but as far as taking care of customers and plants, we are operating with a skeleton crew. I’ll use the frog analogy to explain how this affects us. A “normal” spring day is like the frog in a pot of water on the stove that is slowly heating up to a boil. The customers trickle in during the morning hours, until we realize at midday they are swarming us. With our gates opening at noon, there are cars lining the sides of the road (some having sat in line for 30 minutes) waiting to get in. We’ve hired security guards that are keeping our numbers down to 50 cars max, and only 2 people per vehicle. Even so, once those gates are open, it’s like Black Friday at Walmart. We are lobsters thrown into a pot of boiling water. A 10-hour shopping day is crammed into a 4-hour time slot, and for those four hours, the questions and customer interactions are nonstop. Most people are mindful of the social distancing concept, but several customers are oblivious to this and insist on showing me pictures on their phone. I usually have a greenhouse crew of between 5 and 8 people, depending on the day, but I’m down to 3 or 4 people now. Unfortunately, the work load is still the same, so I’m putting in 55-60 hours, 6 days a week, to keep shelves stocked and plants alive. Several of my coworkers are working even longer hours than I am to keep our little ship afloat. What is my point, you might ask? I’m telling you I AM EXHAUSTED.

With the restrictions on gatherings, organizations all over the world are looking for ways to meet, worship, or teach classes. Enter Zoom. Now it is possible to socialize virtually. Most people would think this scenario is the perfect setup for introverts, but I disagree. Since the goal is to “see” people, everyone uses a webcam so that the screen is filled with faces. At an actual party, you might interact with 2-3 people at one time. In this new virtual gathering, you’re faced with a dozen or more people at once. People that are stuck at home all day and extroverts dying for someone to talk to think Zoom is the best thing since sliced bread. I think it’s great that the world is finding ways to connect during this time of isolation. But for me, the thought of logging into one of these sessions after a work day like I’ve just described, is too overwhelming for me to even consider. This is why I’m opting out of any Zoom invitations I receive right now. It’s not personal, I just have no energy left at the end of the day and therefore nothing to contribute. 

One more thing I’d like to impart: Be gentle with those of us in the service industry. We are adapting our businesses in ways we never expected to, and we know things are getting missed. This frustrates us just as much as or more than it does you. Stay well, friends, and I hope we can meet face to face once this crisis is over.

Completing The Cycle

It is March 37th. I think it is Monday, because I didn’t have to go to work. We are all healthy, and everyone but Pierce is still working for “essential businesses”. The kids are kinda stir crazy. Tim and I aren’t too bothered by the order to stay home, but I do miss our dinner dates. We’ve all managed to keep ourselves entertained. By the way, if you’ve considered seeing what this Tiger King business on Netflix is all about, don’t do it. My life has in no way been improved by watching it; there are things you can’t unsee. I wish I’d picked up a book instead. I joined the Jen Hatmaker Book Club last year, because I needed one more excuse to buy new books. Without knowing what was ahead, the book selection for March was Burnout by Emily Nagoski, PhD. I’d already purchased a copy while I was on sabbatical, because I knew I’d need strategies for dealing with the stress of working in a garden center during spring. The last 4-5 weeks have been some of the toughest out of the 5 years I’ve been at Bates; when compared to the year of my depression diagnosis and The Greenhouse Drama of 2018, it’s hard to say which spring has been more challenging. But with all of the changes we’re making due to Covid-19, fear of what’s ahead, and the depression I’m trying to keep stabilized, I’m more at risk of burnout right now than I usually am this time of year. Nagoski’s book isn’t about how to eliminate stress. Instead, it’s a manual of coping strategies to help you process and manage the inevitable stresses of life. Most years, I’ve come home from work and collapsed on the couch, not wanting to move until bedtime. But just lying on the couch or in bed doesn’t melt away the stress like you’d think it would. This spring, I’ve been taking the lessons I’m learning to heart. According to Nagoski, the best thing we can do to relieve stress is complete the cycle. How do we do this, you might ask? We complete the cycle when we expend the energy of our pent up stress in positive ways. For this #thingsthatgivemelife post, I’ll share with you the things that are helping me hold onto my sanity.

Music- Traditionally, I sing my favorite tunes all the way to work, then on the drive home, I listen to an audiobook or podcast. This spring, I’ve found that my brain is so fired up from the day’s events, I can’t concentrate on a book. A couple weeks ago, I started listening to my Drama Llama Land playlist after work. These are all my angry “somebody done somebody wrong” songs. Singing along has been a great way for me to get all the frustration out of my system. It seems counterintuitive that angry music would be therapeutic, but I’m in a much better frame of mind by the time I get home.

Gardening- After working outside all day, one of the last things I want to do when I get home is yard work. But for the last several days, I’ve been spending an hour or two after work cleaning up all of my beds and checking in with the plants that are awakening from their winter sleep. I’m energized by my time in the garden. It is satisfying to get a few plants in the ground and check off another item on my garden to-do list.   

TikTok- I’m limiting my time on social media to avoid the 24/7 updates on Covid-19 diagnoses and projections of fatalities. When work has kicked my ass and all I want to do is come home and lock myself in my room, I get on TikTok. It is nonsense and ridiculous (like this) and makes me laugh until I cry. I’m not telling you it’s wrong to pull the covers over your head and feel your feels on occasion. In fact, having a good cry is cleansing and one of the ways Nagoski suggests for completing the cycle. But for me, laughter is cheap therapy and one of the most effective ways to combat stress. I mean, tell me this cat video isn't funny; or this one.

Home- At work, I’m constantly thinking about what I’m touching, washing my hands, keeping that 6ft. social distance, washing my hands, whether or not we have too many customers in the greenhouse, washing my hands, not touching my face, washing my hands, etc. When I step into my home, I no longer have to think about these things. I can touch anything I want without a care in the world. I can sit on the couch with my people and not worry about how close we are to each other. Reagan, her roommate Kinsey, and I watched the This Is Us season finale a couple weeks ago with home baked peanut butter chocolate chip cookies; WAY better than going to the movies. As it is for most of you, home is my safe haven. 

Shower- I have been teased mercilessly my entire life about how much time I spend in the shower. Believe all the stories you’ve heard. My favorite place in the whole world is my shower. So many of my cares have washed down that drain. For those few minutes (or several, if you ask my family), no one needs anything from me. I am alone with my thoughts. That shower is the best part of my day. I don’t know if it counts as “completing the cycle”, but it is a definite stress reliever for me. No picture necessary.

Creating- Putting energy into a new creation is an excellent way to combat stress. I made a new layout for the greenhouse last year, but with the need to create social distancing and a greater demand for sustainable gardening this year, my plan has been abandoned and I’m making up a new one on the fly. The greenhouse is A HOT MESS and, for me, the disorganization is one of the more stressful components of this spring season. I resolve this through writing (my recently published essay can be found here), garden planning, making new iTunes playlists, and coloring. Creating beauty in this time of chaos is essential to my survival.

I hope everyone is successful in finding ways to make it out of this alive. We are dealing with a crisis unlike anything most of us have ever faced before; my parents’ generation most likely remembers the polio epidemic. Stay healthy, but don’t forget to guard your mind. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

Life is Terrifying...Here's a Puppy

To quote Thomas Paine, “These are the times that try men’s souls.”  Middle TN can’t catch a break. As our cities continue to recover from tornado destruction, COVID-19 has become a national crisis. Meetings, schools, concerts, sports, vacations and book tours have been cancelled. Churches have made the move to stream services online. Bars are being ordered to close, and restaurants are asked to keep their numbers low, or provide takeout and delivery. Grocery stores have been ransacked. We all know about the TP hoarding, but there’s also no milk at my local Kroger or Publix. I found ONE half gallon at the gas station down the road. It cost me $5. A couple of weeks ago, lots of people were making light of the situation. Nothing about Coronavirus is funny anymore. I feel like I’m in a Stephen King novel. The status of this health crisis is changing by the hour. I’ve already had to update this blog post since I began writing it this morning. Small businesses around the country are going to take massive hits financially; this is an undeniable fact. Some may never recover. I work in the garden industry. We are a small family-owned business that relies on the 3 months of spring sales to stay afloat. Though our environment is open-air and low-risk, we are scrambling to make a contingency plan in case most of our spring shoppers decided to stay home. If you are able, PLEASE consider helping out your local small businesses. Buy gift cards to use later when shopping in public isn’t as risky. Here's my first suggestion: https://www.batesnursery.com/gift-cards/

I try to put a positive spin on all of life’s complications, but to say I’m struggling is an understatement. Real talk, I am terrified. That rosy glow I had when I returned from sabbatical is a distant memory. March has been a cruel mistress. Somehow, I’ve managed to come up with a list. I hope it can give some of you a ray of sunshine. Make good choices and stay healthy, friends. 

Puppy visitors- A coworker’s brother got a new beagle puppy, and she was dying to see it. Rachel asked if he’d bring it by the greenhouse, so we all got a little dose of cuteness on our dreary Saturday.

Flowering trees- I know those cursed Bradford pears are making everyone sneeze their heads off, but more desirable flowering trees are really putting on a show this year; in particular, Yoshino cherries and tulip magnolias. They make my work commute along the scenic route that much more pleasant.

Remodeled pantry- For reasons I can’t explain, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with my pantry. Maybe because it reminds me of cooking, which I LOATHE. Even after the washer and dryer were moved out and into our new laundry room, I  couldn’t come up with a plan for the new space that I really loved. This room has caused me nothing but stress, which has frustrated my husband to no end, since we seemed to have different ideas. We’ve just now begun working on the pantry and Tim asked my opinion on shelving. I just told him to do what he wants and I’ll live with it. It’s obviously not finished, but after digging through boxes for months, seeing all of my pantry items neat and organized is SO satisfying.  

New books- With small businesses struggling from lost sales due to shoppers’ fears of exposure to this virus, and authors that have had to cancel book tours for their new releases, I popped into Parnassus on Sunday to get a copy of Glennon Doyle’s new book, Untamed. This other book looked so festive and was recommended by Jen Hatmaker, so I picked it up as well. Even though I don’t have much time in the spring to read, at least I’ll have these cheery book covers to look at in my TBR pile.

Mardi Gras French Toast- For the last several years, Tim and I have had a standing date night on Sundays. After a 6-day work week, I can barely muster the energy to go out. I suggested we have breakfast/brunch instead. Yesterday, we ate at Ruby Sunshine in downtown Franklin. Before you throw spears at me for dining out in public during the current health crisis, let me say that we were one of only 5 occupied tables, and mandates about restaurants had yet to be made. I ordered their seasonal stuffed French toast, and it arrived covered in Mardi Gras sprinkles. Festive, no?

Saturday steak night- Another tradition Tim and I have is Saturday steak night. Not every Saturday, but if we’re going to have steaks, it’s most likely on the weekend. This past Saturday was gray and chilly. After work on a slower-than-usual Saturday, I came home cold and defeated. After a shower, I walked into the kitchen where Tim was preparing dinner. He handed me a glass of wine then brought me a plate. How fortunate I am that I have a husband who cooks. If dinner had been up to me that night, I’d have been ordering pizza.

Garden displays- A coworker put this little display together, and I can’t get over how cute it is. 

Fresh Flowers (again)- I know I put this on last week’s list, but I bought flowers at Trader Joe’s this week, and they are GORGEOUS.  

Gerber daisies- Last week, we received our for shipment of gerber daisies. I can’t grow them for love nor money, but I admire the flowers anyway. They remind me of my sister, since gerber daisies were her favorite flower. 

Fiddleheads- The ostrich ferns that were delivered dormant are starting to emerge, and the fiddleheads are adorable.