Zoom Out

I don’t have a list of the #thingsthatgivemelife today, but I do want to talk about a decision I’ve made that, I believe, is helping me preserve my sanity. As you know, I am a mega introvert. I draw energy from alone time. Every interaction I have with another person is another drain of my energy. Working retail is a challenge, even when things are normal. During the spring months, my energy reserves are depleted at the end of every day. Bates Nursery has been classified as an essential business, so we’ve remained open during the statewide mandated closures. But because of the overwhelming volume of web orders we’re receiving, we’ve reduced our shopping hours from the usual 8AM-6PM.  We’re now only open to foot traffic 4 hours a day, from noon to 4. From 8 to noon, we're busy filling orders. About half of our usual seasonal staff has decided it is too risky to work with the public right now, and understandably so. We’ve hired lots of extra people to help pull web orders, but as far as taking care of customers and plants, we are operating with a skeleton crew. I’ll use the frog analogy to explain how this affects us. A “normal” spring day is like the frog in a pot of water on the stove that is slowly heating up to a boil. The customers trickle in during the morning hours, until we realize at midday they are swarming us. With our gates opening at noon, there are cars lining the sides of the road (some having sat in line for 30 minutes) waiting to get in. We’ve hired security guards that are keeping our numbers down to 50 cars max, and only 2 people per vehicle. Even so, once those gates are open, it’s like Black Friday at Walmart. We are lobsters thrown into a pot of boiling water. A 10-hour shopping day is crammed into a 4-hour time slot, and for those four hours, the questions and customer interactions are nonstop. Most people are mindful of the social distancing concept, but several customers are oblivious to this and insist on showing me pictures on their phone. I usually have a greenhouse crew of between 5 and 8 people, depending on the day, but I’m down to 3 or 4 people now. Unfortunately, the work load is still the same, so I’m putting in 55-60 hours, 6 days a week, to keep shelves stocked and plants alive. Several of my coworkers are working even longer hours than I am to keep our little ship afloat. What is my point, you might ask? I’m telling you I AM EXHAUSTED.

With the restrictions on gatherings, organizations all over the world are looking for ways to meet, worship, or teach classes. Enter Zoom. Now it is possible to socialize virtually. Most people would think this scenario is the perfect setup for introverts, but I disagree. Since the goal is to “see” people, everyone uses a webcam so that the screen is filled with faces. At an actual party, you might interact with 2-3 people at one time. In this new virtual gathering, you’re faced with a dozen or more people at once. People that are stuck at home all day and extroverts dying for someone to talk to think Zoom is the best thing since sliced bread. I think it’s great that the world is finding ways to connect during this time of isolation. But for me, the thought of logging into one of these sessions after a work day like I’ve just described, is too overwhelming for me to even consider. This is why I’m opting out of any Zoom invitations I receive right now. It’s not personal, I just have no energy left at the end of the day and therefore nothing to contribute. 

One more thing I’d like to impart: Be gentle with those of us in the service industry. We are adapting our businesses in ways we never expected to, and we know things are getting missed. This frustrates us just as much as or more than it does you. Stay well, friends, and I hope we can meet face to face once this crisis is over.

Completing The Cycle

It is March 37th. I think it is Monday, because I didn’t have to go to work. We are all healthy, and everyone but Pierce is still working for “essential businesses”. The kids are kinda stir crazy. Tim and I aren’t too bothered by the order to stay home, but I do miss our dinner dates. We’ve all managed to keep ourselves entertained. By the way, if you’ve considered seeing what this Tiger King business on Netflix is all about, don’t do it. My life has in no way been improved by watching it; there are things you can’t unsee. I wish I’d picked up a book instead. I joined the Jen Hatmaker Book Club last year, because I needed one more excuse to buy new books. Without knowing what was ahead, the book selection for March was Burnout by Emily Nagoski, PhD. I’d already purchased a copy while I was on sabbatical, because I knew I’d need strategies for dealing with the stress of working in a garden center during spring. The last 4-5 weeks have been some of the toughest out of the 5 years I’ve been at Bates; when compared to the year of my depression diagnosis and The Greenhouse Drama of 2018, it’s hard to say which spring has been more challenging. But with all of the changes we’re making due to Covid-19, fear of what’s ahead, and the depression I’m trying to keep stabilized, I’m more at risk of burnout right now than I usually am this time of year. Nagoski’s book isn’t about how to eliminate stress. Instead, it’s a manual of coping strategies to help you process and manage the inevitable stresses of life. Most years, I’ve come home from work and collapsed on the couch, not wanting to move until bedtime. But just lying on the couch or in bed doesn’t melt away the stress like you’d think it would. This spring, I’ve been taking the lessons I’m learning to heart. According to Nagoski, the best thing we can do to relieve stress is complete the cycle. How do we do this, you might ask? We complete the cycle when we expend the energy of our pent up stress in positive ways. For this #thingsthatgivemelife post, I’ll share with you the things that are helping me hold onto my sanity.

Music- Traditionally, I sing my favorite tunes all the way to work, then on the drive home, I listen to an audiobook or podcast. This spring, I’ve found that my brain is so fired up from the day’s events, I can’t concentrate on a book. A couple weeks ago, I started listening to my Drama Llama Land playlist after work. These are all my angry “somebody done somebody wrong” songs. Singing along has been a great way for me to get all the frustration out of my system. It seems counterintuitive that angry music would be therapeutic, but I’m in a much better frame of mind by the time I get home.

Gardening- After working outside all day, one of the last things I want to do when I get home is yard work. But for the last several days, I’ve been spending an hour or two after work cleaning up all of my beds and checking in with the plants that are awakening from their winter sleep. I’m energized by my time in the garden. It is satisfying to get a few plants in the ground and check off another item on my garden to-do list.   

TikTok- I’m limiting my time on social media to avoid the 24/7 updates on Covid-19 diagnoses and projections of fatalities. When work has kicked my ass and all I want to do is come home and lock myself in my room, I get on TikTok. It is nonsense and ridiculous (like this) and makes me laugh until I cry. I’m not telling you it’s wrong to pull the covers over your head and feel your feels on occasion. In fact, having a good cry is cleansing and one of the ways Nagoski suggests for completing the cycle. But for me, laughter is cheap therapy and one of the most effective ways to combat stress. I mean, tell me this cat video isn't funny; or this one.

Home- At work, I’m constantly thinking about what I’m touching, washing my hands, keeping that 6ft. social distance, washing my hands, whether or not we have too many customers in the greenhouse, washing my hands, not touching my face, washing my hands, etc. When I step into my home, I no longer have to think about these things. I can touch anything I want without a care in the world. I can sit on the couch with my people and not worry about how close we are to each other. Reagan, her roommate Kinsey, and I watched the This Is Us season finale a couple weeks ago with home baked peanut butter chocolate chip cookies; WAY better than going to the movies. As it is for most of you, home is my safe haven. 

Shower- I have been teased mercilessly my entire life about how much time I spend in the shower. Believe all the stories you’ve heard. My favorite place in the whole world is my shower. So many of my cares have washed down that drain. For those few minutes (or several, if you ask my family), no one needs anything from me. I am alone with my thoughts. That shower is the best part of my day. I don’t know if it counts as “completing the cycle”, but it is a definite stress reliever for me. No picture necessary.

Creating- Putting energy into a new creation is an excellent way to combat stress. I made a new layout for the greenhouse last year, but with the need to create social distancing and a greater demand for sustainable gardening this year, my plan has been abandoned and I’m making up a new one on the fly. The greenhouse is A HOT MESS and, for me, the disorganization is one of the more stressful components of this spring season. I resolve this through writing (my recently published essay can be found here), garden planning, making new iTunes playlists, and coloring. Creating beauty in this time of chaos is essential to my survival.

I hope everyone is successful in finding ways to make it out of this alive. We are dealing with a crisis unlike anything most of us have ever faced before; my parents’ generation most likely remembers the polio epidemic. Stay healthy, but don’t forget to guard your mind. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

Life is Terrifying...Here's a Puppy

To quote Thomas Paine, “These are the times that try men’s souls.”  Middle TN can’t catch a break. As our cities continue to recover from tornado destruction, COVID-19 has become a national crisis. Meetings, schools, concerts, sports, vacations and book tours have been cancelled. Churches have made the move to stream services online. Bars are being ordered to close, and restaurants are asked to keep their numbers low, or provide takeout and delivery. Grocery stores have been ransacked. We all know about the TP hoarding, but there’s also no milk at my local Kroger or Publix. I found ONE half gallon at the gas station down the road. It cost me $5. A couple of weeks ago, lots of people were making light of the situation. Nothing about Coronavirus is funny anymore. I feel like I’m in a Stephen King novel. The status of this health crisis is changing by the hour. I’ve already had to update this blog post since I began writing it this morning. Small businesses around the country are going to take massive hits financially; this is an undeniable fact. Some may never recover. I work in the garden industry. We are a small family-owned business that relies on the 3 months of spring sales to stay afloat. Though our environment is open-air and low-risk, we are scrambling to make a contingency plan in case most of our spring shoppers decided to stay home. If you are able, PLEASE consider helping out your local small businesses. Buy gift cards to use later when shopping in public isn’t as risky. Here's my first suggestion: https://www.batesnursery.com/gift-cards/

I try to put a positive spin on all of life’s complications, but to say I’m struggling is an understatement. Real talk, I am terrified. That rosy glow I had when I returned from sabbatical is a distant memory. March has been a cruel mistress. Somehow, I’ve managed to come up with a list. I hope it can give some of you a ray of sunshine. Make good choices and stay healthy, friends. 

Puppy visitors- A coworker’s brother got a new beagle puppy, and she was dying to see it. Rachel asked if he’d bring it by the greenhouse, so we all got a little dose of cuteness on our dreary Saturday.

Flowering trees- I know those cursed Bradford pears are making everyone sneeze their heads off, but more desirable flowering trees are really putting on a show this year; in particular, Yoshino cherries and tulip magnolias. They make my work commute along the scenic route that much more pleasant.

Remodeled pantry- For reasons I can’t explain, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with my pantry. Maybe because it reminds me of cooking, which I LOATHE. Even after the washer and dryer were moved out and into our new laundry room, I  couldn’t come up with a plan for the new space that I really loved. This room has caused me nothing but stress, which has frustrated my husband to no end, since we seemed to have different ideas. We’ve just now begun working on the pantry and Tim asked my opinion on shelving. I just told him to do what he wants and I’ll live with it. It’s obviously not finished, but after digging through boxes for months, seeing all of my pantry items neat and organized is SO satisfying.  

New books- With small businesses struggling from lost sales due to shoppers’ fears of exposure to this virus, and authors that have had to cancel book tours for their new releases, I popped into Parnassus on Sunday to get a copy of Glennon Doyle’s new book, Untamed. This other book looked so festive and was recommended by Jen Hatmaker, so I picked it up as well. Even though I don’t have much time in the spring to read, at least I’ll have these cheery book covers to look at in my TBR pile.

Mardi Gras French Toast- For the last several years, Tim and I have had a standing date night on Sundays. After a 6-day work week, I can barely muster the energy to go out. I suggested we have breakfast/brunch instead. Yesterday, we ate at Ruby Sunshine in downtown Franklin. Before you throw spears at me for dining out in public during the current health crisis, let me say that we were one of only 5 occupied tables, and mandates about restaurants had yet to be made. I ordered their seasonal stuffed French toast, and it arrived covered in Mardi Gras sprinkles. Festive, no?

Saturday steak night- Another tradition Tim and I have is Saturday steak night. Not every Saturday, but if we’re going to have steaks, it’s most likely on the weekend. This past Saturday was gray and chilly. After work on a slower-than-usual Saturday, I came home cold and defeated. After a shower, I walked into the kitchen where Tim was preparing dinner. He handed me a glass of wine then brought me a plate. How fortunate I am that I have a husband who cooks. If dinner had been up to me that night, I’d have been ordering pizza.

Garden displays- A coworker put this little display together, and I can’t get over how cute it is. 

Fresh Flowers (again)- I know I put this on last week’s list, but I bought flowers at Trader Joe’s this week, and they are GORGEOUS.  

Gerber daisies- Last week, we received our for shipment of gerber daisies. I can’t grow them for love nor money, but I admire the flowers anyway. They remind me of my sister, since gerber daisies were her favorite flower. 

Fiddleheads- The ostrich ferns that were delivered dormant are starting to emerge, and the fiddleheads are adorable.

Things That Give Me Life

It’s been a somber week for middle TN. March 3, in the early morning hours, 4 tornados came through Nashville, Mt. Juliet, and Cookeville killing 24 people and leveling homes, businesses, and schools. While our family is safe and we had no property damage to our home or Tim’s business, our friends were not so fortunate. News has been devastating. Tim has been out around East Nashville all week assessing damage to some of their completed projects and prioritizing the overwhelming number of requests Bootstrap is receiving from homeowners that need anything from simple repairs to massive reconstruction. Usually life works out so that Tim and I take turns being busy and stressed about work. We won’t have that luxury this spring. 

My March Madness has begun. I will soon be launched into the organized chaos that is Spring at Bates Nursery. Here’s an idea of what that looks like:

With all the hours of overtime I’ll be putting in, I will have little time to devote to social media posts. I’m going to try something a little different for a while. I’ve been inspired by Sarah Bessey’s weekly newsletters, in which she gives a list of Good Things she’s seen/heard/watched/read. For about 3 years, I’ve used the hashtag #thingsthatmademehappytoday on Instagram. But lately I feel like my terminology sounds a bit vain. The things that I post pictures of or write stories about aren’t just pieces of fluff that put a smile on my face. Somedays, these things are giving me hope, encouragement, and strength to carry on. So, I’m changing my hashtag to #thingsthatgivemelife, and I will compile a list in a weekly blog post. Here’s my first installment.

Spring is coming!- I figured I’d start with the obvious. No matter how many winters I endure, I am ALWAYS surprised and thrilled to see the plants in my yard waking up from their long sleep; sometimes, I’ve given up hope they’ll manage to return.

Fresh cut flowers- I’m trying to continue what I started during my sabbatical and keep fresh flowers in the house. I got the most beautiful flowers from Fresh Market last week. I also bought lots of spring bulbs and seeds to plant. I tell myself every year that I’m going to have an amazing cutting garden, then I get busy; when I finally DO have time, it’s too late in the season to get anything started. I am determined that this is going to happen, people. THIS IS MY YEAR.

New plants- The trucks have begun rolling in at Bates Nursery, which means hard work for me, but also the pleasure of new and lovely plants. I’ve already blown one paycheck.

Blank canvas- Because of my brainless planting of northern sea oats, evening primrose, and creeping jenny, and the equally stupid decision not to eradicate purple winter creeper and morning glory, my large perennial bed was hopelessly out of control. The only way to restore it was to remove as many perennials as I could, dig out as many invasives as possible, then smother what remained with black plastic. This was a little heartbreaking for me, but now that it’s spring and so many beautiful plants are arriving at the nursery, I’m seeing the potential of this empty space and realizing how fun it will be to paint a new masterpiece. By having all these horrible plants and weeds gone at the start of the season, spreading a layer of mulch, and putting down a preemergent, I’ll be ahead of the game and have more time to devote to planning a new garden and making it a reality.

Little Women- After seeing the newest movie, I wanted to read the novel again. I’m learning that a lot of books I read as a kid were abridged versions. This was the first time I’d read Little Women in it’s original form, and I fell in love with it all over again.

The Wailin Jennys- Sarah Bessey had one of their songs in her Good Things list (a cover of Dolly Parton’s Light of a Clear Blue Morning), so I looked them up on iTunes. Why am I just now discovering these ladies?! They are a Canadian trio and sing the most amazing harmonies. This sent me down a rabbit hole of searching for similar acts and building a new playlist called Ladies Who Trio. 

Friend’s improved health- A friend and coworker has been battling cancer since last fall. Her latest report was excellent, and we’re hopeful that an upcoming PET scan will show she is cancer-free.

Seasonal staff- This is the first year we’ve retained most of the greenhouse seasonal staff from the previous spring. As a manager, it is a HUGE relief that I won’t have to think about training several new people while my brain is occupied with helping customers, keeping the greenhouse neat and organized, unloading trucks, and figuring out where all of the incoming new product can go when the greenhouse is already bursting at full capacity. Some of the seasonal staffers have already stopped by to say hello, and they’re all excited about being back in the greenhouse. I can’t tell you how much joy this brings me. 

Familiar customers- If you love to garden, you are my people. It’s been fun to see the excitement and anticipation of spring on the faces of our loyal customers. Spring fever is contagious.

Chocolate- It’s amazing how just a little chocolate can lift my spirits.

Gloves that fit- One of the reasons I don’t wear gloves on a regular basis when I garden is that I have some of the smallest hands a grown ass woman can have. Ladies small gloves are too big, but kid gloves are too small. On a whim yesterday, I looked in the sports section of Target. I saw that batting gloves come in youth sizes. I tried on a youth small, and they fit perfectly. I’ve worn them in the garden for 2 days now and they work like a charm. I can’t believe it’s taken 45 years to find a pair of gloves that fits me.

Haley Williams solo album- Haley is the lead singer of Paramore, one of my favorite bands. I saw an article about her on Twitter last night and learned that she’s released an EP. I also read that Paramore is in the studio working on a new album. SO. HYPED.

Winter Sabbatical (Part 2)

Yesterday, I answered the what and why questions surrounding my winter sabbatical. Today, I'd like to share a few revelations and reminders that I gleaned from my time in Miami. There's a lot here, so I'll be brief. Most of the books I read were introspective and this little break was the perfect opportunity to fully absorb all of the goodness on those pages. I can share the list of books I read with anyone who's curious. Here goes...

What I Learned

• The thought of being alone in a huge, unfamiliar city was kinda terrifying. I’ve never lived on my own. I’m a rule follower, not a rule maker. Even though I’m an introvert that craves solitude, I didn’t know if I could handle taking charge of every single decision about my day. This experience has bolstered my self confidence. As a 45-year-old woman, I did two things I’ve never done before; I went to a movie alone and I ate lunch in a restaurant at a table for one. It was liberating and empowering to know that I can survive in Miami on my own.
• I’m a doer. Resting isn’t a natural state for me. I made up a daily schedule so I could feel productive while I was away. Tim knows me too well, so he gave me a little pep talk before he left. “You’re going to feel the need to stay busy. You’re going to set these expectations and make lists of the things you want to accomplish. But don’t. Relax, appreciate the silence.” I worried about what people would think if I came home after 6 weeks with nothing to show for it. Nothing written, no accomplished goals. Tim told me there was only one goal to focus on: Make it to Spring without falling into the pit. If I can do that, and nothing else comes from this, my time in Miami will still be a success. In Miami, I was forced to do nothing. There was no job to get to, no laundry, no messy house to clean. No one asked anything of me. I learned how to be comfortable with not having a plan. I had space to listen to myself and my surroundings more. I didn’t feel the need to be whatever so many people expect me to be every day.  
• Vases full of fresh flowers bring me abundant joy. I am going to have them in my house on a regular basis.
• I want to listen to music at home more often than I currently do. Pierce has always been annoyed when I play my music, so this will be a challenge.
• I love the beach. LOVE the beach.
• Coloring brings me peace. I want to do this more in the evenings as a way to destress and unwind.
• I am throwing out my scale. I will eat healthy most days, but I will indulge on occasion because life is too short to say no to foods I enjoy. I will know it’s time to ease up on sweets or comfort foods whenever I feel bloated and sluggish or my jeans are cutting off my circulation. Also, I will no longer make excuses for my food choices, such as, “It’s too hot outside to eat a heavy lunch today” or “I’ll just work these calories off tomorrow.” I won’t be guilted into exercising harder to make up for all the food I ate at Thanksgiving. If all I want for lunch is a protein shake, that is okay, and I won’t eat more than that just to put other people at ease. 
• My self-worth is not defined by anyone else’s opinion of me or my writing. I learned this in therapy a couple years ago, but I continue to struggle with making the lesson stick.
• Occasionally putting my needs before others’ is not selfish. 
• A vast majority of women on the beach look just like me: they have spider veins and cottage-cheese thighs, and bellies that will never be flat again. Yet, they wear what they want to the beach, because they’re comfortable with their bodies. I want to be one of those women. I’m going to wear my sexy red bikini to the beach no matter how I look, dammit! But I can’t be as carefree as one lady on the beach…
• Topless sunbathing in South Beach is not frowned upon. I learned this fact from my beach chair neighbor, a woman that will forever be known to me as Topless Granny. Yikes, but also, rock on, sister. Thanks for inspiring me to be comfortable with my body, though I’ll be keeping my girls covered up. 
• I am a sexual being. I have tried to deny this fact by suppressing my femininity at work, for various reasons I won’t go into. The way I dress affects how I feel about myself. I’m not going to start wearing heels and pearls in the greenhouse, but I’ve got to find ways to feel like a woman again. This discovery was made while reading the following.
• Every woman, I repeat, EVERY WOMAN, regardless of whether you’re gay or straight, needs to read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. I guarantee you will learn something about your body. FYI: If you decide to read this book in public, you should be aware that the cover art resembles a vagina. This prompted me to harken back to my elementary school days when we made book covers for our textbooks. People were probably more curious about what reading material would be so scandalous that I had to cover it up, but I have no regrets.
• As the shorter person, it is always assumed that I will step out of someone else’s way if we are walking towards each other on the sidewalk. I suspected as much already, so this was just confirmation. It’s not as obvious when I’m walking with my tall husband, but I definitely noticed a difference when I was on my own. The world would be a better place if everyone kept to the right side of the path. Maybe all the people I’m playing chicken with are from the UK. 
• I overpacked; I could’ve gotten by on 1/3 of the clothes I brought with me. This is good to know, since I’ll have to travel by plane to next year’s sabbatical. I also brought my entire stash of pictures, scrapbook pages, tools, paper, stickers, etc. I only worked on one scrapbook while I was there, so most of my craft stuff was unused. Speaking of scrapbooks…
• I will finish the kids scrapbooks, then I am done with scrapbooking. I am tired of feeling guilt whenever I look at all the supplies and empty pages I’d planned to fill and haven’t yet.
• Going 7 weeks without hearing any Veggie Tales music or quotes was GLORIOUS.
• I can keep house plants alive for 7 weeks.
• If you’ve been in labor and had a kidney stone, the pain of getting a tattoo is laughable. Mostly. I’m sure there are more painful places to get a tattoo than where I got mine.
• I saw the newest Little Women. At different stages of my life, I’ve been able to identify with Beth (shy and musical) Amy (a teenager pining away for a boy that loves someone else) and Meg (marriage and children are her heart’s desire rather than ambition for a career). I’ve never felt anything in common with Jo (independent and confident, with aspirations of being a published author). As I watched the movie, I realized that I can finally say I’ve been all four March girls at some point. I know what it’s like to have something in your head that will eat you alive if you don’t get it out and onto the page. I’ve experienced the thrill of getting an acceptance letter, confirmation that someone out there wants to hear what I have to say. This realization helps me come away with a message I haven’t before. Women can be a Beth, an Amy, a Meg, or a Jo, and they ALL have value. No sister or their path was more virtuous than the others. Also, it is possible to be all four women, depending on your stage of life. 
• Fireman Derek’s Bake Shop has one of the best red velvet cakes you’ll ever put in your mouth. I want to marry this cake. It’s slap-yo-granny delicious. They deliver via Postmates, which is a good thing. And also a bad thing. 
• Even though I hate to do it and get all torn up with anxiety, I can get from point A to point B in a big city without dying.
• ALWAYS get an estimate from your taxi driver before you get in the car. Ouch. $$$
• Parking garages aren’t as nerve-wracking as they used to be. 
• I have taken free parking for granted in the past. I now have a greater appreciation for the fact that in Nashville, I can go to Target or Kroger without having to pay to park.
• According to my bank (Regions), Miami is the fraud capitol of the world. My account was frozen twice for suspected fraudulent charges (they were all purchases made by me) and the second time, the bank cancelled my debit card instead of asking me to verify the charges that were flagged. This prompted an emergency visit to a branch in Miami that could issue a new debit card on the spot. I then had to try and remember all of the monthly services that had my old card’s info and enter the new card’s info. 
• Whoever designed the roadway system in Miami was on crack.
• And lastly, Miami drivers can kiss my ass. 

Winter Sabbatical (Part 1)

There’s a lot to say about the last 7 weeks. I don’t want to pile it all on you at once, so this will be a 2-part post. In part 1, I will try to answer the what and why questions I’ve been asked most often about my time away. In part 2, I will give a summary of my discoveries and revelations. There will also be a separate post on Instagram and Facebook with a few pictures. I’ve stayed off social media to 1) keep all of you from hating me and my sunny pictures and 2) keep the drama of life to a minimum. I don’t have much news to share other than an acceptance email from Borrowed Solace informing me that another essay I wrote last year will be published in their literary journal this spring. To my knowledge, it will only be available in print. When I have purchase info, I will share. Past issues of Borrowed Solace have been $7. I was quite vulnerable and transparent in this essay, so I’m pretty nervous for all of you to read it. So. Without further ado, here’s part 1 of Winter Sabbatical 2020.

FAQ

It really hasn’t been all that cold this winter. Do you regret going or feel like this was a waste of money? 

The cold does make me cranky, but it’s the lack of sunshine that makes me lose the will to live. I mean that literally. If you’ve never experienced seasonal depression, I can’t possibly make you understand my motives. Did you know that in Nashville there have only been 13 sunny days so far this year? At least that’s what I counted; Correct me if I’m wrong since I wasn’t here. By my calculations, 73% of 2020 has been cloudy and/or rainy in Nashville. I work a job that keeps me outside, which means I get more sun than the average person. When sunshine disappears for days or weeks at a time every winter, my brain suffers from starvation. I joke that I’m solar powered, but it’s the best way I know to describe SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I know there are people out there that see me as some spoiled Brentwood mom that loves the beach and has the luxury of skipping town for several weeks just because I don’t like to get cold. My story is that I went to Miami to avoid the hopelessness and despair I feel for three months straight every year, and right now, my brain is healthier than it has ever been during the winter.  

What did you do everyday? Were you ever bored?

I took walks most mornings. I started a prayer journal. I read. I wrote. I worked on a scrapbook. I colored. I went to a Farmer’s Market every Saturday in a park 1 block away from my condo. I went to the beach a few times. I spent too much money on books and craft supplies. I was never bored, but there were days that I was hard on myself or felt guilty about being lazy. And there were 2 days that wrecked me to the point of wanting to pack up and come home.    

Was it scary to be alone in Miami?

Sometimes. My parking spot was in a gated lot and all entrances to my building were only accessible with a key. I never felt that my building was unsafe. It was on a busy street in a decent part of Miami, and during the day, I felt comfortable walking to the store or the park. But I did not like being out alone at night. Most evenings I made my own dinner instead of eating out.    

Didn’t you miss your family?

There’s a saying that I love: How can I miss you if you don’t go away? Reagan is doing the college thing, so I don’t see her much even when I am at home. Pierce has school or work, but when he’s home he is ALWAYS talking or singing. If I’m being honest, I relished the silence and solitude. Tim and I are at a place in our lives and our marriage where we don’t feel the need to be joined at the hip. I made a brief visit at the end of January, and after having been apart for several weeks, we cherished our time together . A wise woman (Beyoncé) once said, “Ladies, look at here. When you been with your man for a long time, every now and then you got to go in the back of that closet and pull out that freakum dress.” I know this isn’t the same thing, but I really wanted an opportunity to quote Beyoncé, so go with it. My sabbatical was just the shake-up our boring old routine needed. Having the chance to miss each other and anticipate our reunion was…okay, let’s move on.

How did Pierce handle your absence?

He was fine. He did ask about me everyday for the first week, but he was mostly unaffected (from what we could tell). Conversation with Pierce consists of 2-3 exchanges before he wanders off to do his own thing, so we have no idea how he really felt about it.  

How did Tim manage without you at home?

Again, fine. I take Pierce to school every day, so Tim just left a few minutes early and dropped him off on his way to work. Pierce has always rode the bus home, due to our work schedules. At home, Pierce is pretty low-maintenance.   

Do you think you’ll do this again sometime?

I already have a place booked from January 1st to February 28th 2021, so YES. Tim pointed out to me a couple days ago that this may be the first year that I actually look forward to winter. He’s right; I never thought I’d be able to say those words. Despite how much I disliked the city of Miami (more on that later), Winter Sabbatical 2020 was a definite success. I grew in ways I never expected. Most importantly, I haven’t wanted to slit my wrists this winter, which is all that matters to me and Tim.

The Shame Game

Recently, Tim and I saw It’s A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, and I was reminded that Fred Rogers was one-of-a-kind. Last year, we saw Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, the documentary on Fred’s life, so I already knew that Mr. Rogers was not just a character. Fred Rogers was every bit as gentle with people behind the scenes as he was on camera. He was human, and like all humans, he experienced anger. It was what he did with that anger that made him different. He punched pillows or banged on piano keys, taking out his frustrations on inanimate objects. Fred Rogers was a preacher, and he was motivated to develop a show for children after seeing the violence in programming that was aimed at kids. What I gleaned from the documentary and the fictional movie based on him, was that Fred Rogers was not prone to fits of righteous indignation. He didn’t preach “shame on the world!” from a pulpit. He saw what children needed, and he set to work creating a safe space for them. When asked why he was so committed to his show, he didn’t defend his work by railing against the downfall of society. He only expressed a deep love for children. 

I’ve read lots of books this year (look for another post about my 2019 faves). One of my favorite authors has been Brené Brown; I read four of her books. She is a research professor that studies and lectures on the effects of shame. I’ve learned a lot. There is way too much shame in our society: mommy shaming, slut shaming, body shaming, church shaming, celebrity shaming, even dog shaming (I can’t lie, I love a good dog-shaming picture). Parents use shame to correct their children. Managers and bosses use shame to spur their employees towards better job performance. Teachers use shame to motivate their students into being better than. Churches shame their congregants into believing that they will never be good enough for heaven. And we on social media are panting for any excuse to shame the person that cut us off in traffic, the talk show host that said something inflammatory, the politician that is the polar opposite of all we believe in, the millennials that can’t do anything right, etc., etc. Please notice that I used the word “we”. I’ve participated in this ritual of shaming more times than I’d like to admit; Facebook Memories likes to remind me of all the awful stuff I’ve said over the years. I take the scenic route to and from work mainly because I don’t like the angry, aggressive driver I become on the interstate. 

I’m tired of being shamed, watching others be shamed, and inflicting shame. This year, I’ve begun making a conscious effort to put an end to this type of behavior. I think long and hard about what I want to say. I’ve stopped following the social media accounts of people, conservatives AND liberals, that routinely shame others, either for laughs or for malice. I’ve been called a self-righteous hypocrite. Perhaps the accusation is correct. I do think I’m better than some people. I am better than 1992 Melissa. I am better than 2003 Melissa. I am better than 2014 Melissa. Soon, I want to say that I’m better than 2019 Melissa. If refusing to participate in or listen to the shaming of others or striving to become a better version of myself makes me “self-righteous”, then so be it. By choosing to take a stand, I may lose a few followers, or lose more than I already have this year. I want to live by Michelle Obama’s motto: When they go low, we go high. I am under no illusions that I will wake up tomorrow as a person incapable of having a quick temper. I can only try not to sin in my anger. Maybe I can take a page out of Mr. Rogers’s playbook and focus my energy on telling the world what I am for instead of what or who I am against.