This post is a few days late, because Tim was here this weekend. It’s longer than usual.
I’ve reached the halfway point. I still love it out here, but I did have to take a break from guacamole. Maybe I should cut back to making it just once a week. I’ve enjoyed the freezer meals from the Farmer’s Market to mix into my Mexican dinner repertoire. I’ve been to the Farmer’s Market 3 times now, and each time I have spent just a little bit more; I regret nothing. Last week, I had French Onion Mac and Cheese, and it was divine. Between my stocked pantry, frozen leftovers, and Farmer’s Market purchases, I should have enough dinners to carry me through to the end of my stay!
Two Saturday mornings ago, I took my coffee down to the beach to search for sea glass. The lady I’d spoken to a few days prior was out collecting shells. I learned her name (Valerie) and that she’s from Canada. When she found out I was from America, we got into a discussion about politics. It’s enlightening to hear the viewpoint on American politics from an outsider, and how her country is directly affected. I told her about my kids, and I was surprised to hear that her job before retiring was teaching life skills to people with autism. She also cares for her nephew who, like Pierce, is an adult with autism. We compared Canadian and American resources for individuals with disabilities. I felt my world get just a bit smaller. Not only do I have an English-speaking neighbor, I also have a neighbor who understands EXACTLY the struggles that we endure because of autism.
Two Sundays ago, I spent another day without power. Apparently work was being done on our street, so a few houses were without power from about 6AM-3PM. I spent the day reading on the back porch. I’ve written the beginnings of a couple new essays, and I’ve done more editing to some old ones.
Tim got in late Thursday night and spent the weekend with me. Since he rented a car, I was able to expand my boundaries a bit. We had dinner at a couple of upscale places in Merida, and everything was delicious. We pulled our masks down long enough to get a selfie outside of Porfirio’s. We found two places that reminded us of home. I got to shop at Costco!! I found pesto, goat cheese, and artichokes; I’ve yet to find any of those items in the Mexican supermarcados. I don’t think I can manage to eat it all before I leave, but I’ll have fun trying. We also found a Krispy Kreme! It was drive-thru only and we sat in line for about 25 minutes. WORTH IT. I overindulged this weekend, so I didn't mind the 4 mile walk to and from the market today. I will not be skipping any B.Fab workouts this week, for sure.
Tim left this morning, but he’s already booked a ticket to come back at the end of February. We’ll be traveling home together. I know many people think it’s strange that we have this arrangement, separated for two months out of the year. In January, we spoke on the phone only twice. We did text each other a few times a day, though. There were times last month that we missed each other like crazy, but Tim hasn’t been resentful of my time away. We knew the pining would make our reunion that much sweeter.
I think I noticed about 2 years ago that we had arrived at a new dynamic in our marriage. This April marks 30 years since our first date. We were children then, and we married before either of us had reached the legal drinking age. Like most marriages, ours has evolved and changed so many times over these 27 years. But through it all, I can’t think of a “rough patch” between the 2 of us that we’ve had to overcome; with the exception of my 3 clinical depression diagnoses, where I found it hard to love anyone. Many of our friends have reached the empty nest stage. We don’t have that luxury, but our conversations have changed just the same. With the lack of day to day parenting, a main topic of discussion has mostly disappeared. After telling each other about our day, we spend quite a lot of our evenings in silence.
If you don’t know Tim, he is one of the most laid-back, go-with-the-flow people I’ve ever known. I’m the one that overanalyzes and stresses over change. This silence for me, in the beginning, was terrifying. Have we been together so long we’ve finally run out of things to talk about? I didn’t think we’d reach this place until we were old and retired. Should I be on Pinterest looking for lists of 20 questions or conversation starters? I got up the courage to broach the subject with Tim a while back, and asked him if it bothers him that we don’t talk as much anymore. I shouldn’t have been surprised that he was nonplussed. Instead of fearing the silence, he saw it as an indication that we’d become so comfortable with each other, we didn’t think it necessary to fill the void with conversation. Just being in each other’s presence was enough, even if we’re both reading or doing our own things.
When Taylor Swift released Folklore last year, one song gave me chills and made me well up with tears the first time I heard it. The song, Peace, is about how difficult it is to be in a relationship with her, because of the media circus that would always follow her: “Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?” I found a different meaning in the lyrics. Being with me means that depression will always haunt us. But the lyric that made my heart skip a beat was about one of the things she could bring to a relationship: “Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other.” I can’t say I’m completely at ease with our lack of dialogue, but this lyric gave me a sense of comfort and that the place we’ve found ourselves is no cause for concern. For while we don’t have many words, our passion for one another is still strong. If I had to choose, without a doubt I’d take passion over the ability to keep a dinner conversation going.
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