Winter Sabbatical (Part 2)

Yesterday, I answered the what and why questions surrounding my winter sabbatical. Today, I'd like to share a few revelations and reminders that I gleaned from my time in Miami. There's a lot here, so I'll be brief. Most of the books I read were introspective and this little break was the perfect opportunity to fully absorb all of the goodness on those pages. I can share the list of books I read with anyone who's curious. Here goes...

What I Learned

• The thought of being alone in a huge, unfamiliar city was kinda terrifying. I’ve never lived on my own. I’m a rule follower, not a rule maker. Even though I’m an introvert that craves solitude, I didn’t know if I could handle taking charge of every single decision about my day. This experience has bolstered my self confidence. As a 45-year-old woman, I did two things I’ve never done before; I went to a movie alone and I ate lunch in a restaurant at a table for one. It was liberating and empowering to know that I can survive in Miami on my own.
• I’m a doer. Resting isn’t a natural state for me. I made up a daily schedule so I could feel productive while I was away. Tim knows me too well, so he gave me a little pep talk before he left. “You’re going to feel the need to stay busy. You’re going to set these expectations and make lists of the things you want to accomplish. But don’t. Relax, appreciate the silence.” I worried about what people would think if I came home after 6 weeks with nothing to show for it. Nothing written, no accomplished goals. Tim told me there was only one goal to focus on: Make it to Spring without falling into the pit. If I can do that, and nothing else comes from this, my time in Miami will still be a success. In Miami, I was forced to do nothing. There was no job to get to, no laundry, no messy house to clean. No one asked anything of me. I learned how to be comfortable with not having a plan. I had space to listen to myself and my surroundings more. I didn’t feel the need to be whatever so many people expect me to be every day.  
• Vases full of fresh flowers bring me abundant joy. I am going to have them in my house on a regular basis.
• I want to listen to music at home more often than I currently do. Pierce has always been annoyed when I play my music, so this will be a challenge.
• I love the beach. LOVE the beach.
• Coloring brings me peace. I want to do this more in the evenings as a way to destress and unwind.
• I am throwing out my scale. I will eat healthy most days, but I will indulge on occasion because life is too short to say no to foods I enjoy. I will know it’s time to ease up on sweets or comfort foods whenever I feel bloated and sluggish or my jeans are cutting off my circulation. Also, I will no longer make excuses for my food choices, such as, “It’s too hot outside to eat a heavy lunch today” or “I’ll just work these calories off tomorrow.” I won’t be guilted into exercising harder to make up for all the food I ate at Thanksgiving. If all I want for lunch is a protein shake, that is okay, and I won’t eat more than that just to put other people at ease. 
• My self-worth is not defined by anyone else’s opinion of me or my writing. I learned this in therapy a couple years ago, but I continue to struggle with making the lesson stick.
• Occasionally putting my needs before others’ is not selfish. 
• A vast majority of women on the beach look just like me: they have spider veins and cottage-cheese thighs, and bellies that will never be flat again. Yet, they wear what they want to the beach, because they’re comfortable with their bodies. I want to be one of those women. I’m going to wear my sexy red bikini to the beach no matter how I look, dammit! But I can’t be as carefree as one lady on the beach…
• Topless sunbathing in South Beach is not frowned upon. I learned this fact from my beach chair neighbor, a woman that will forever be known to me as Topless Granny. Yikes, but also, rock on, sister. Thanks for inspiring me to be comfortable with my body, though I’ll be keeping my girls covered up. 
• I am a sexual being. I have tried to deny this fact by suppressing my femininity at work, for various reasons I won’t go into. The way I dress affects how I feel about myself. I’m not going to start wearing heels and pearls in the greenhouse, but I’ve got to find ways to feel like a woman again. This discovery was made while reading the following.
• Every woman, I repeat, EVERY WOMAN, regardless of whether you’re gay or straight, needs to read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. I guarantee you will learn something about your body. FYI: If you decide to read this book in public, you should be aware that the cover art resembles a vagina. This prompted me to harken back to my elementary school days when we made book covers for our textbooks. People were probably more curious about what reading material would be so scandalous that I had to cover it up, but I have no regrets.
• As the shorter person, it is always assumed that I will step out of someone else’s way if we are walking towards each other on the sidewalk. I suspected as much already, so this was just confirmation. It’s not as obvious when I’m walking with my tall husband, but I definitely noticed a difference when I was on my own. The world would be a better place if everyone kept to the right side of the path. Maybe all the people I’m playing chicken with are from the UK. 
• I overpacked; I could’ve gotten by on 1/3 of the clothes I brought with me. This is good to know, since I’ll have to travel by plane to next year’s sabbatical. I also brought my entire stash of pictures, scrapbook pages, tools, paper, stickers, etc. I only worked on one scrapbook while I was there, so most of my craft stuff was unused. Speaking of scrapbooks…
• I will finish the kids scrapbooks, then I am done with scrapbooking. I am tired of feeling guilt whenever I look at all the supplies and empty pages I’d planned to fill and haven’t yet.
• Going 7 weeks without hearing any Veggie Tales music or quotes was GLORIOUS.
• I can keep house plants alive for 7 weeks.
• If you’ve been in labor and had a kidney stone, the pain of getting a tattoo is laughable. Mostly. I’m sure there are more painful places to get a tattoo than where I got mine.
• I saw the newest Little Women. At different stages of my life, I’ve been able to identify with Beth (shy and musical) Amy (a teenager pining away for a boy that loves someone else) and Meg (marriage and children are her heart’s desire rather than ambition for a career). I’ve never felt anything in common with Jo (independent and confident, with aspirations of being a published author). As I watched the movie, I realized that I can finally say I’ve been all four March girls at some point. I know what it’s like to have something in your head that will eat you alive if you don’t get it out and onto the page. I’ve experienced the thrill of getting an acceptance letter, confirmation that someone out there wants to hear what I have to say. This realization helps me come away with a message I haven’t before. Women can be a Beth, an Amy, a Meg, or a Jo, and they ALL have value. No sister or their path was more virtuous than the others. Also, it is possible to be all four women, depending on your stage of life. 
• Fireman Derek’s Bake Shop has one of the best red velvet cakes you’ll ever put in your mouth. I want to marry this cake. It’s slap-yo-granny delicious. They deliver via Postmates, which is a good thing. And also a bad thing. 
• Even though I hate to do it and get all torn up with anxiety, I can get from point A to point B in a big city without dying.
• ALWAYS get an estimate from your taxi driver before you get in the car. Ouch. $$$
• Parking garages aren’t as nerve-wracking as they used to be. 
• I have taken free parking for granted in the past. I now have a greater appreciation for the fact that in Nashville, I can go to Target or Kroger without having to pay to park.
• According to my bank (Regions), Miami is the fraud capitol of the world. My account was frozen twice for suspected fraudulent charges (they were all purchases made by me) and the second time, the bank cancelled my debit card instead of asking me to verify the charges that were flagged. This prompted an emergency visit to a branch in Miami that could issue a new debit card on the spot. I then had to try and remember all of the monthly services that had my old card’s info and enter the new card’s info. 
• Whoever designed the roadway system in Miami was on crack.
• And lastly, Miami drivers can kiss my ass. 

Winter Sabbatical (Part 1)

There’s a lot to say about the last 7 weeks. I don’t want to pile it all on you at once, so this will be a 2-part post. In part 1, I will try to answer the what and why questions I’ve been asked most often about my time away. In part 2, I will give a summary of my discoveries and revelations. There will also be a separate post on Instagram and Facebook with a few pictures. I’ve stayed off social media to 1) keep all of you from hating me and my sunny pictures and 2) keep the drama of life to a minimum. I don’t have much news to share other than an acceptance email from Borrowed Solace informing me that another essay I wrote last year will be published in their literary journal this spring. To my knowledge, it will only be available in print. When I have purchase info, I will share. Past issues of Borrowed Solace have been $7. I was quite vulnerable and transparent in this essay, so I’m pretty nervous for all of you to read it. So. Without further ado, here’s part 1 of Winter Sabbatical 2020.

FAQ

It really hasn’t been all that cold this winter. Do you regret going or feel like this was a waste of money? 

The cold does make me cranky, but it’s the lack of sunshine that makes me lose the will to live. I mean that literally. If you’ve never experienced seasonal depression, I can’t possibly make you understand my motives. Did you know that in Nashville there have only been 13 sunny days so far this year? At least that’s what I counted; Correct me if I’m wrong since I wasn’t here. By my calculations, 73% of 2020 has been cloudy and/or rainy in Nashville. I work a job that keeps me outside, which means I get more sun than the average person. When sunshine disappears for days or weeks at a time every winter, my brain suffers from starvation. I joke that I’m solar powered, but it’s the best way I know to describe SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I know there are people out there that see me as some spoiled Brentwood mom that loves the beach and has the luxury of skipping town for several weeks just because I don’t like to get cold. My story is that I went to Miami to avoid the hopelessness and despair I feel for three months straight every year, and right now, my brain is healthier than it has ever been during the winter.  

What did you do everyday? Were you ever bored?

I took walks most mornings. I started a prayer journal. I read. I wrote. I worked on a scrapbook. I colored. I went to a Farmer’s Market every Saturday in a park 1 block away from my condo. I went to the beach a few times. I spent too much money on books and craft supplies. I was never bored, but there were days that I was hard on myself or felt guilty about being lazy. And there were 2 days that wrecked me to the point of wanting to pack up and come home.    

Was it scary to be alone in Miami?

Sometimes. My parking spot was in a gated lot and all entrances to my building were only accessible with a key. I never felt that my building was unsafe. It was on a busy street in a decent part of Miami, and during the day, I felt comfortable walking to the store or the park. But I did not like being out alone at night. Most evenings I made my own dinner instead of eating out.    

Didn’t you miss your family?

There’s a saying that I love: How can I miss you if you don’t go away? Reagan is doing the college thing, so I don’t see her much even when I am at home. Pierce has school or work, but when he’s home he is ALWAYS talking or singing. If I’m being honest, I relished the silence and solitude. Tim and I are at a place in our lives and our marriage where we don’t feel the need to be joined at the hip. I made a brief visit at the end of January, and after having been apart for several weeks, we cherished our time together . A wise woman (Beyoncé) once said, “Ladies, look at here. When you been with your man for a long time, every now and then you got to go in the back of that closet and pull out that freakum dress.” I know this isn’t the same thing, but I really wanted an opportunity to quote Beyoncé, so go with it. My sabbatical was just the shake-up our boring old routine needed. Having the chance to miss each other and anticipate our reunion was…okay, let’s move on.

How did Pierce handle your absence?

He was fine. He did ask about me everyday for the first week, but he was mostly unaffected (from what we could tell). Conversation with Pierce consists of 2-3 exchanges before he wanders off to do his own thing, so we have no idea how he really felt about it.  

How did Tim manage without you at home?

Again, fine. I take Pierce to school every day, so Tim just left a few minutes early and dropped him off on his way to work. Pierce has always rode the bus home, due to our work schedules. At home, Pierce is pretty low-maintenance.   

Do you think you’ll do this again sometime?

I already have a place booked from January 1st to February 28th 2021, so YES. Tim pointed out to me a couple days ago that this may be the first year that I actually look forward to winter. He’s right; I never thought I’d be able to say those words. Despite how much I disliked the city of Miami (more on that later), Winter Sabbatical 2020 was a definite success. I grew in ways I never expected. Most importantly, I haven’t wanted to slit my wrists this winter, which is all that matters to me and Tim.