Y'all Gon Make Me Loose My Mind

Ah, Facebook. Most days, I love it. It brings me endless hours of joy, especially on those days that my newsfeed is filled with pictures of my friends' and family's kids or grandkids, hilarious internet memes, friends' funny anecdotes, and cat videos. Mercy, there's nothing like a good video montage of cats being their spastic, silly selves to cheer me up when I'm feeling down. I love connecting with people I haven't seen in years, exchanging sarcastic comments, sharing feel-good stories and videos about our fellow man. When Facebook is good, it's really good.

But then there are days like today that make me want to tear my hair out. Those days when I see story after story of all that's wrong with the world today, how quickly we are going to Hell in a handbasket, how right I am and how VERY wrong you are. Those days when anything you say can and will be misinterpreted (because, dang it, sarcasm just doesn't read in text sometimes). Those days filled with posts about all the horrible things that can happen to you or your kids if you do things like share pictures or vacation plans on Facebook ( some stranger might plot to kidnap that cute kid of yours after seeing their picture, or might plot a break-in if they know you're out of town), try to help some stranger in a parking lot (they could spray you with "perfume" that makes you pass out so they can abduct you), send your kid to a sleepover (what if there are pedophiles in the house?!). Those days when the jokes are both racist (usually taking shots at our President) and sexist. 

Facebook has broken my heart, mind, and soul more times than I can count, and I have left it before, swearing I am DONE and never coming back. But I always return, optimistic that I can avoid the negativity and drama by only following those I know won't let me down. But today, I'm revisiting the prospect of ditching this place for good. What has me ready to jump ship right now? I don't think a lot of you really want to hear it. But, I'm going there anyway. 

I have identified as a republican for most of my life. Most of my friends and family are republicans. But the older I've gotten, the more I've begun to swing to the middle. In fact, I've been feeling more and more like a democrat lately. Not completely, but I do know that I no longer want to be associated with the behavior of a lot of conservatives. I say all that to preface my thinking here. Unless you live under a rock, you know that Bruce Jenner had a sex change operation, and she now identifies as Caitlyn. Furthermore, Caitlyn will be given the Arther Ashe award at the ESPYS.  I don't watch the news, I don't read celebrity magazines. I only know about it because my friends on Facebook are LOOSING THEIR MINDS over this. Y'all, I honestly don't care that Caitlyn was once a man. And I'm not upset that she will be given an award for her courage. Because to endure all of the crap she's endured over the course of her life takes more courage than I could muster, let me tell ya. And by the way, she did not beat out Noah Galloway for the award, so kindly refrain from circulating that rumor, please. What she does with her own body is none of my business and doesn't affect me in the least.

One of the biggest things that has me scratching my head is the way I've seen Facebook friends react to this story as opposed to the scandal about the Duggar family a couple weeks ago. I actually saw stories being posted and shared that basically said, "Yeah, that was a bad thing that Josh Duggar did, but look at how that sweet Christian family is being persecuted by the liberal media!" This week, the same FB friends that shared that Matt Walsh story making excuses for Josh Duggar are sharing stories about what an "abomination" Caitlyn Jenner is. You know, I just don't think I want to live in a world that defends pedophiles because they're Christians but lambasts a law abiding citizen because of their decision to change their sexual identity. Am I the only one that sees this as wacky?! As I've said before, the world doesn't want or need to hear us Christians telling everyone how right we are and how wrong everyone else is. Go ahead and disapprove of the decision Caitlyn Jenner made. QUIETLY, in your own home. Pray for her soul (pray for mine too, while you're at it; I am a sinner, after all.) But in public, can we be decent human beings? Can we stop sharing stories by Matt Walsh, who seems to think he's more righteous than just about anyone he ever writes about (except for the Duggars)?

I understand you, friends, REALLY, I do. I was once just like you. I thought it was my mission in life to inform everyone of their wrongs, telling the world how right us Christians are. Playing into the fear-mongering by telling people all the things that could go wrong in any given scenario. But you know what's more effective that yelling at people that we are the light of Christ? Actually BEING the light of Christ. Just sharing the love and beauty within us. Life is short, y'all. And I can't bear this burden of being holier-than-thou. With all the crap in this world, I'm just gonna share my heart, my garden pictures, my witty sarcasm (at least it's witty in MY head), and, of course, funny cat videos. I realize I'm going to lose a few FB friends after this. Some of y'all might want to engage in a political debate over this post. I'm telling you now that I won't bite. This is the end of my commentary. I don't care to discuss it further in comments. I'll leave you with this. I thought about Tyler Perry last night. His best known character is Madea, achieved by dressing in drag. Christians LOVE his movies and just eat Madea up! After their reaction to the Bruce Jenner story, I wonder how most Christians would react if Tyler announced tomorrow that he wants to become Madea permanently with a sex change operation. It's all good if we're just pretending, but don't go changing anything permanently, right? Hmmm...

Lay Down Your Life: Vespers Homily #2

The last homily I gave came rather easily to me. I found a connection in the scriptures with my passion for gardening, so it kind of wrote itself. This week, however, I’ve poured over the scriptures trying to find something that spoke to me. I mean, I could easily write about the 23rd Psalm, but couldn’t we all? Do you really want to hear yet another lesson on one of the most popular texts in the bible? So, I kept reading and rereading the scriptures for this week until I found a passage to focus on. I wanted to explore 1 John 3:16-18. It says:

  16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. 17 If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? 18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 

What exactly does it mean to lay down your life for a brother or sister? Growing up, I thought this passage was quite literal, (which is what happens when we take scripture out of context, BTW); that we should be willing to die for another person, just the way Christ did for all of us. But how many opportunities are us civilians going to have to throw ourselves on a grenade in order to save someone’s life? If we keep reading, we see John’s meaning. We are to lay down our resources for brothers or sisters in need. We are to be the hands and feet of Jesus  and show how much we love rather than simply saying “Jesus loves you!”. And just who are our brothers and sisters? Are they the people within the walls of this church building? Only those “worthy” of Christian love and help?

Reading this passage made me think of 1 Corinthians 13:1- “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." Did you know that Christians have a bad reputation as being some of the worst tippers in restaurants? Servers dread the Sunday lunch crowd because, not only are we horribly demanding customers, we refuse to tip well, or even worse, “tip” with church tracts or notes about not giving their server a bigger percentage than we give God every week. The media portrays us as bigots because of those Christians that refuse service to a group of people that they have judged sinful.  These are embarrassing times to be a Christian. Our actions are speaking louder than our words, and people are not fooled. Actions like the ones I just mentioned are devoid of the love of God. It’s become so cliche, the saying “What Would Jesus Do?” But what WOULD He do in those situations? I read an article about the religious freedom debate that I loved. The author said that, based on the passage in Matthew 5, not only would Jesus bake a wedding cake for a gay person, He’d bake them two. I mean, this is a man who ate with prostitutes! Hung out with lepers! No one was too low or unworthy of Jesus' compassion. When He fed the 5000, He didn't ask them why they hadn't thought to come prepared so that their children wouldn't go hungry. He saw a need and he responded with compassion. And while he did say, "Go and sin no more", He didn't make accepting Him as their savior a condition of His healing.

So when I think about how someone has “laid down their life” for me, I have a really hard time coming up with an example. But when I look at verse 18 and think about when people have loved me with actions and in truth, it’s a little easier. 

The most recent story I can think of happened last summer. I was in South Carolina helping my parents clean out my sister’s apartment in the days immediately after she passed away. We needed some groceries for dinner, so we went to Trader Joe's. I decided to pick up a few bottles of cheap wine, since I never get the opportunity at the Trader Joe’s in TN. If you’ve ever shopped there, you know the cashiers are quite friendly, so as they usually do, the cashier was chatting me up. She checked my license and saw I was from TN. She asked what I was in town for, probably expecting something like a wedding or some fun family affair, and I told her that my sister had passed away the previous weekend. After I checked out, she asked me to wait a minute. She ran over to the floral department and picked out a bouquet. She said, “You’re probably overwhelmed with flowers, but you can never have too many.” I was so touched and nearly speechless that I could only say "Thank you".

My favorite examples of love through action involve my son, Pierce. He’s gotten some stares and very uncompassionate remarks because of his autism, but the kindness of strangers gives me hope for the future. Once when Pierce was 4 or 5 years old, we were in Family Christian Bookstore. He latched on to a VeggieTales book, a big one, I think it was an encyclopedia of some sort. When I told him it was time to leave and I tried to get him to put the book back, he had a Defcon 4 meltdown, right in the middle of the store. As hard as it is to reason with a normal 4-5-year-old, it’s darn near impossible to reason with an autistic child. I tried to be the good mom and resist the urge to cave to his tantruming. Customers were beginning to stare, but a store employee walked over and asked if there was anything he could do to help. I explained the situation, and he told me to take the book up to the counter. He wanted to give it to Pierce. My pride wouldn’t let him, though, and I ultimately ended up buying the book myself.

Another great example involving Pierce took place about 5 years ago. One day, the kids and I decided to take in "Horton Hears A Who", the movie for that week of the free summer movie series at Opry Mills. We got there early so that we could get seats. As usual, when something is free, the participants are plenty. They had not opened the doors to the theater yet, so there was a line along the wall. We ended up right in front of the entrance/exit to the mall. A day care group was a few feet ahead of us. One of the kids began to wail. If you've spent any time around Pierce, you know that the sound of a crying child really distresses him. Pierce began to cry and threw himself to the ground. I wrestled him back up (which was not an easy task as he was 12 and eye-to-eye with me) and I offered him his earplugs. This worked for a few seconds, but the child continued to wail. When Pierce is in a stressful situation and is faced with the option of "fight or flight" he will ALWAYS choose "flight". He realized, at about the same time I did, that we were right at the automatic doors. He decided to make a run for the parking lot. I grabbed the back of his shirt in an attempt to stop him, and this threw him off-balance. He crashed into a mom behind me who was holding her small child. I was mortified! I apologized and braced myself for the condemning glare and stinging criticism that I knew was coming. Instead, she asked, with genuine concern, "Is he okay?". I explained that Pierce is autistic and the noise was beginning to upset him. This mom says to me, "If you need to take him outside for a few minutes, I wouldn't mind holding your place in line." I graciously accepted her help. We stepped outside and began debating whether to stay or go. Pierce kept chanting "go home", but when I asked if he wanted to see the movie, he said "yes". Reagan clearly wanted to stay for the movie, but she understood how upset Pierce was. I offered to rent the movie if we had to leave, and she thought that was a great idea. I saw through the doors that the line was moving. Pierce was willing to try again, so we ran back inside. I looked for the mom holding our place in line, and saw about 4 people waving frantically to us. Two people in front of her, and one behind her were all looking for us and waving! This mom had told everyone around her what was going on, and that they should be looking out for us. They were nearly at the entrance to the theater. One mom said as we ran up, "We were afraid you wouldn't make it back in time!" We got to see the movie, and Pierce held up pretty well.

I didn’t know any of the people in the stories I just told you. Maybe they’re Christians, maybe not. But those actions spoke to me far more loudly than any sermon, blog post, book, or conversation about “Love thy neighbor”. And it’s made me realize that I’m not doing enough to show God’s love. To lay down my life for my fellow man, whether he is a Christian or an atheist. It’s not my place to judge who is worthy of my compassion. Not one of the people in those situations felt the need to ask me if I’d found Jesus before, during, or after they carried out their random acts of kindness towards me. I love the lyrics of the Brandon Heath song, Give Me Your Eyes. I’ll conclude with the chorus of that song as my prayer tonight:

Give me Your eyes for just one second

Give me Your eyes so I can see

Everything that I keep missing

Give me Your love for humanity

Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted

The ones that are far beyond my reach

Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten

Give me Your eyes so I can see

Knock On Wood

My husband and I were chatting in the kitchen Monday morning. Being self-employed, he's home for a while most mornings, and on my days off, I'm around for a couple hours before I run off to work out and get my errands accomplished. This is when we remind each other what's on the agenda for the day, and on Mondays, the weekly outlook. I decided to reveal something that I'd noticed lately: I've barely taken my daily doses of Prozac over the last few weeks. It wasn't a conscious decision to stop taking it. I quite honestly had forgotten it every day. There have been many days in the past that I've forgotten a day, 2-3 at the most, but I always notice that I'm feeling really tired and then realize that I've skipped a few doses when I sit and think about it. My doctor and I had decided nearly 12 years ago that I'd likely be on Prozac for life, given my personal history (it was my 3rd diagnosed depression at the time) and my family history of depression and suicide. 

Tim scooted his chair away from the kitchen table and turned to face me. He told me that he'd been reluctant to say anything for fear of jinxing things, but that life seemed to be so great right now. Our kids are well-adjusted and happy, his business was going well, our marriage is strong. I've been working out (and enjoying it!), and I have a job that I love. He said, "You just seem so happy." I took a deep breath, and said, "I AM happy!" Just saying the words out loud moved me to tears. But I couldn't help myself; I leaned over and knocked on our butcher block island in the kitchen.

Just like Tim, I've had a fear of giving voice to my happiness. We've all seen the thriller movies, where you're close to the end and the heroes are saying, "Whew! The worst is over; nothing can stop us now!", only to have one final conflict, the biggest they've faced throughout the movie. And we in the audience are saying, "Idiots! You're jinxing yourself!!" It seems that if I say out loud that I'm happy, Satan will bust up in here and say, "Haha!! That's what YOU think!", then all Hell will break loose. Maybe I have a hard time admitting life is wonderful because I don't want to sound cocky or overconfident, or worse, appear to have it all together. Our life here is FAR from perfect. As we were having this conversation, Tim and I were in front of the picture window in our kitchen that gives us a clear view of our very nasty pool that is in serious disrepair. And, because our mower is once again on the fritz, we have the longest grass in our neighborhood right now. Another thing that keeps me silent is knowing that so many people I love are not happy and are struggling just to keep their heads above water. Telling everyone how happy I am would be like flaunting my good fortune. I'm afraid I'd sound selfish and foolish. 

No matter how happy I am, I don't know if I'll ever shake the feeling that the bottom could fall out at any minute. Perhaps it's from the years of having so much illness in my family. I never know when a phone call or text will come in alerting me of the latest health crisis. I've been trained to never get too comfortable with stability. So, I'm taking a big risk here and telling you all that yes, I am very happy right now. Almost deliriously so. I'm working out regularly, because I found a class that is FUN. I haven't lost much weight yet, but my body shape is changing, I'm stronger, and I have more energy. Most important of all, I feel better about myself. My job at Bates Nursery is tougher this spring than it was last fall, but I'm still loving it there, even when I come home and collapse on the couch and tell the family they're on their own for dinner because I'm too exhausted to think, much less move anymore that day. I especially love when I get to help customers put together plant combinations for their pots or landscape. I'm learning so much more than I have from the gardening books I've read over the years. Tim has been and continues to be my rock and the best possible partner for me. I'm still totally in love with him. My kids are AWESOME. I know all parents think that of their kids, but mine really are. Reagan told me the other day of a friend who is always fighting with her parents and how it concerned her. I had to tell her what an abnormal teenager she is that she DOESN'T fight with us. Praise God she's just like her dad, the peacemaker, and not like I was at her age. Pierce continues to do amazingly well in the life skills program at Brentwood High. He inspires us all and is loved by so many. No matter the challenges, he still makes us laugh constantly. He really is a joyful guy. Am I completely done with Prozac? I very seriously doubt it. Even on drugs, winters are always terrible for me. But if I can make it through 3/4 of the year drug-free, I consider that a HUGE breakthrough. I've never been into the "name it and claim it" spiritual practice, but today, I'm laying claim to my joy, my contentment, my peace. And I'm not going to fear what Satan might do to me by saying all this out in the open. 

POSTSCRIPT: On Facebook last week, I tossed around the idea of starting a series on gardening, using knowledge I already possess and the wealth of information I'm gathering at my job. Several of you were in favor of this idea (bless your hearts), so I'm gonna do it. In fact, I think I may just start a separate blog for this purpose and keep this one for my musings on other aspects of my life. Stay tuned! Now to come up with a catchy name...

New Year's Reso...Whatever

What is it about humans, me in particular, that we feel compelled to write out a list of goals that we want to accomplish in the coming year? And why do we challenge ourselves to maintain these lifestyle changes for an entire year? I mean, a year is SO LONG. Is that why we so often fail to keep our New Year's Resolutions? Why do I end every year thinking I'm a failure because of those goals I was unable achieve? Personally, January is the month I'm feeling the LEAST motivated. I keep vowing to exercise more, walking being my exercise of choice, but who wants to walk outside when it's between 30 and 40 degrees? I also vow to eat better every January, but being cold makes me cranky...and being cranky makes me eat more. BTW, in case you were planning to contact me about how you can help me loose weight, I'm already drinking the "pink drink".

Maybe I've been going about this "better me" thing all wrong. Maybe I should be setting smaller goals in shorter time frames. Baby steps. Maybe focus on a different goal every month. Praise myself more for those achievements, no matter how small, instead of beating myself up for my many, many failures. I'm debating about whether or not to share these goals with you. I don't like being reminded of changes I've committed to making and opening myself to criticism. I know that I should be more willing to be held accountable, though, and I want to be better at that...so I guess that's a goal I have that I'm sharing with you. Yikes.

So, instead of talking about all of the ups AND downs of the past year, I'll just focus on the ups. I've crossed a couple of things off of my bucket list and succeeded at a couple of personal goals I set for myself. I challenged myself to listen to every single song on my iPod (I refuse to say an exact number, but a few thousand; let's leave it at that). Today, December 31st, I have just accomplished that. At the end of 2013, I took Jon Acuff's Empty Shelf Challenge: to read enough books this year to fill an empty shelf in the bookcase. Since half of those were read on my Kindle, it was hard to do this literally. But, I'm thrilled that I managed to read 36 books in 2014 (Here is the Goodreads link to the list of books I read this year: https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/24065820?shelf=empty-shelf-challenge). That's the most books I've ever read in 365 days. There were 2 goals on my bucket list that I managed to cross off this year. The first one was to watch all 100 movies on the American Film Institute Top 100 list  (http://www.afi.com/100years/movies10.aspx). I've been working on this for a few years, and I finally watched the last one this year. The second bucket list item I was able to cross off was seeing Rocky Horror Picture Show with audience participation at the Belcourt Theater. That was...interesting. I can't really talk about it, though, because what happens at Rocky Horror, stays at Rocky Horror.

There were a few achievements that were HUGE for me, but weren't necessarily concrete goals. I got a job! I've been a stay-home wife and mom all of my adult life. While I've had a couple of babysitting gigs along the way and a few weeks helping out as a cashier at a friend's new business, this is my first real paycheck in almost 19 years. It was just kind of an afterthought; this Fall, I saw a post on Facebook from my favorite garden center (Bates Nursery and Garden Center) that they were looking for help, and I thought it might be fun to work there. I put in an application and had an awkward interview ("What have you been doing for the last 17 years?" "Oh, just being a mom"). I was pleasantly surprised when they offered me a position! It's a seasonal job, so I'm cooling my heels (literally) for the winter months. But I can't WAIT to be back there in the Spring! My other major accomplishments this year were a group effort with my amazing chorus, Metro Nashville. Because we won our regional contest in 2013, we earned an invitation to participate in a choral event at THE Ryman Auditorium. WHOA. If you are a fan of country music (which I am NOT) or you live anywhere near Nashville, you know about this iconic musical venue. So many aspiring musicians have dreamed of being on this stage...and we were blessed to have this dream come true for Metro Nashville Chorus! In addition to being invited to sing at the Ryman,  our regionals win in 2013 earned us a spot in the 2014 Sweet Adeline International Competition in Baltimore, where, out of 33 choruses, we qualified to compete again in the top 10 finals for the first time EVER! We placed 7th in the world (which you all know, because I Tweeted, Instagrammed, and Facebooked ad nauseam)!!!

So what will 2015 bring? Do you have a method for following through on your yearly resolutions, or are you one of those people who resolve NOT to make resolutions each new year? I'm throwing around some goals in my head, and MAYBE I'll give you all a glimpse of those in a few days. I will continue to read more, and be more intentional about listening to ALL of the music I own (why keep it around, if I'm not going to listen to it?!). Going back to work in the Spring will force me to be more active than I have been in the past. Whether or not I succeed in eating better/less and adding some other form of regular exercise to the mix remains to be seen. Check back with me in December 2015. Many blessings to you and yours in the coming year!

Hope In The Midst Of Despair: My 1st Vespers Homily

When I signed up to give a homily for the first time in Vespers, I didn't know when I would be asked, or what texts I would be working with. Eric contacted me a couple of weeks ago to ask if I could be ready in 2 weeks, and I had just a slight freakout. Public speaking is not my forte. I decided I should just go ahead and jump this hurdle now, rather than put it off until later in the year. I was pleasantly surprised when I looked over our texts for the evening. You see, I am a gardener. I feel that God has blessed me with a green thumb. While gardening brings me pleasure, I also find that it's one of the best ways for God to speak to me. It's impossible to deny intelligent design when surrounded by such beauty. So when I saw that our chant and 2 of our 3 passages of scripture told stories of a vineyard, and the portion of our peace prayer this week deals with sowing hope in the midst of despair, I felt an instant connection. Jesus spoke in parables, because it was a language everyone could understand. Some people identify with lots of sports references in their sermons (sorry, Josh; I wish was one of them), others with references to careers, parenting, or marriage. When Jesus talks about the different types of soil in which seeds are sown, or the size of a mustard seed, or bearing good fruit, I get it. My gardening experiences give me a point of reference to help me understand His meaning. 

In Isaiah (chapter 5:1-7), God is a gardener. He created this great big, beautiful world. He prepared the earth so that when He planted us there, we would shine for Him, thrive, produce wonderful fruit for his Kingdom. But just as any gardener knows, our best laid plans are sometimes thwarted when the plants we've placed have a mind of their own. No matter how we nurture them, some plants just won't give us the beauty we expect. This makes me think of my love of gladiolas, and my frustrating attempts through the years to grow them. I get my green thumb from my grandmother. Gladiolas were her favorites, and they were always a show-stopper in her garden. Try as I might, I just can't get the results she was able to get year after year. More sun, less sun. More water, less water. Good soil, not-so-good soil. Unfortunately, she passed when I was 13, long before I discovered my passion for gardening and had any interest in learning her secret to producing such gorgeous blooms. I imagine God gets just as frustrated with us as I get with those silly plants sometimes. Because, despite His perfect plan for us, sin entered our world and destroyed it. God gives us so much, more than we could ever deserve, in which to grow, soak in His love, and spread the hope of Christ throughout His Kingdom. Yet, sometimes for us, it's never enough. We join the world and their negativity, whine about how unfair life is, complain about what we don't have, spread stories about all the evil and despair in the world. But just as I keep trying to duplicate my grandmother's wonderous gladiolas despite my many failures, God never gives up on us. He keeps giving us reason to hope, showing us over and over again that the battle against evil has already been conquered. In Matthew (chapter 21:33-46), God is still the gardener, but we aren't the plants in the vineyard. Instead, we are the caretakers, entrusted with all that God has given us, and he is sending us constant reminders that we are only the tenants, we own nothing. Not to brag, but gardeners tend to be some of the most generous people I know. Mostly because, as plants multiply in our gardens and we divide and replant, we eventually run out of places to put them. It's our duty to share the bounty with our friends and families, even complete strangers on Craigslist. Though I find it easy to share the gifts from my garden, it isn't always so easy in other areas of my life. Why is that? So many times, we conform to the standards of this world and fight tooth and nail to get what we feel we deserve and then keep it to ourselves. We listen to those voices telling us that people that weren't blessed to be raised as middle or upper class, or weren't as fortunate as we were to have a quality education and therefore, better opportunities in life, are undeserving of our help. I'll admit that it's a struggle for me to tune out those voices, and instead, listen to my Father whispering to me, "Give. Just as I gave to you". Hope in the midst of despair. 

 

 I'm no different than any of you. We've ALL weathered storms and been in that pit of despair. Maybe you think your pit doesn't look as deep as my pit, or maybe you think yours looks deeper than mine. I assure you, the feelings are all the same. So when David pleads with God in the Psalms (Psalm 80:7-14) for restoration, for light to shine through the darkness, on some level, we can ALL identify. For me, it's been 3 separate bouts of clinical depression; Pierce's autism diagnosis; the day we thought we'd never see him again when he wandered too far away from home; the devastating (but necessary) decision to leave a church that we so desperately loved, but that no longer represented our family; the many, MANY health crises my sister endured over the last 21 years of her life; the peace my family thought we'd feel when my sister's suffering was finally over, only to endure months of turmoil and uncertainty filled with false accusations that we hastened her death. 

How do we sow hope in the midst of despair? Again, I bring up the gardening analogy. I, quite literally, sow hope in my garden by planting perennials and bulbs. In the fall, I dig these pits in my garden, and fill them with little lumps of nothing. They sit in the ground, throughout a freezing gray and bleak winter. But in the spring, I'm rewarded for enduring the torturous cold with bold, beautiful blooms. Same thing with my perennials. I watch them all turn crispy and brown and eventually crumble away every winter. And then, just when I start to think they are never coming back and I may have finally killed them for good this time, I witness their rebirth as tiny green shoots poke their heads through the cold ground every spring. How does this translate into our everyday lives? I don't know exactly. It's taken me 40 years to figure this out, and, as Paul says in our passage in Phillipians (chapter 3:4-14), "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it." I've been surrounded with such negativity throughout my life, but I'm slowly and surely realizing that God won't shine through if I stay in that place. So, I surround myself with gems of light. Church activities, including Life Groups, affirming quotes (you probably see me whipping out my phone every week to snap pictures of the quotes on the screen. Especially when I forget to turn off my flash), scripture, activities that let me showcase my gifts, like singing and gardening. Sometimes, I have to "fake it, til I make it" when I'd really rather wallow in my pit. Maybe you do, too.  But eventually, you pretend long enough that some hope starts to take root, and eventually, it grows high and wide enough to lift you out of that pit and into the light. And once we become filled with that light, we can't help but spread it everywhere we go, sowing hope in the midst of despair. "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."

A Mom Looks At 40

This is the final few days of my 30's. I'm not handling the prospect of turning 40 very well, and honestly, I can't even explain why. I have very few regrets, and I'm right where I wanted to be at this age. Wanting to hold on to my youth isn't a vanity thing. I've just seen so much sickness in my family, that I know the odds of maintaining my health for much longer are not in my favor. I feel like I've stayed healthy in spite of the gene pool from which I came (no offense, mom and dad, but I've been dealt a pretty crappy hand). Even though the possibility of my body failing me sooner rather than later looms ahead of me, I try my best to remain positive and optimistic, but sometimes, that's easier said than done.

As one is wont to do at life's milestones, I've been ruminating on my past and wondering what are some of the most important lessons I've learned in life. I struggled in the beginning, and was afraid I wouldn't find as many as I wanted to share. But in the end, I had to edit my list, and combine a few similar ones to make room. Some are serious, some are silly. A few I've forgotten and had to relearn, and I may continue to relearn over the coming years. To all of my friends and family, thank you for walking with me for the past 40 years and helping to make this life interesting and worth living. To people I've hurt in the past, I'm sincerely sorry, and I hope I can be forgiven. 

Ok, enough of that mushy business. Here, without further ado, are my top 40 life lessons (in no particular order):

1 We don't remain those obnoxious kids we were in high school (thank GOD!). The kids that pick on you, will one day be responsible grownups, who are very sorry for the crappy way they treated people in their youth.

2 The world continues to turn after you drop out of college, and you WILL survive without a degree. 

3 A credit card is NOT a "golden ticket" to obtain the lifestyle you want as a poor college kid. 

4 You can never, ever, EVER suck back the words you say once they exit your mouth. And while forgiveness may be granted to you for the hurt your words inflicted, those words will leave scars that never fade. Lashing out at someone in retaliation will never make your hurt go away. Most times, it just makes the situation worse. Whoever came up with "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names (words) will never hurt me" is a big fat liar and deserves a punch in the face. 

5 No matter how clever, funny, nice, or charming you think you are, there will ALWAYS be people out there that don't like you...AND THAT IS OK. Also, there will always be someone smarter, prettier, and more talented than you...AND THAT IS OK.

6  Naps are good.

7 The days are long, but the years are short. 

8 Never take your hamsters outside in their plastic cage on a HOT summer day...and forget about them. It's not pretty, folks. RIP, Nibbles and Susie. 

9 The best thing you can say to someone who's grieving is "I love you and I'm praying for you". Few people out there have the ability to speak words of comfort to the grieving; you are probably not one of them. Don't fill the void with philosophical crap, and DEFINITELY don't try to speak for God. If you don't know what to say, say nothing. Just sit with them in silent support. 

10 Do what you love to do, even if YOU think you suck at it. Don't let fear of failure hold you back. Never stop learning. Always be willing to try something new. It may just be your next favorite thing.

11 Don't assume that you must be immune to the chicken pox, just because all those times you were exposed to them as a kid, you never broke out. And don't be stupid enough to assure a parent you're immune so you can babysit their sick kids. Because you CAN get chicken pox the summer before your senior year of high school. Yeah. 

12 Don't ever assume that the people you love know what you expect of them. No mater how much you love or think you know each other, NO ONE can read your mind. Remember, when you assume, you make an ass of you and me. 

13 Don't be smug if you managed to dodge that acne-bullet in your teens, because it will hit you eventually. It IS possible to be battling age spots AND zits simultaneously. ALSO, don't be smug if you've spent your youth eating whatever you want and not gaining a pound. Your metabolism WILL slow down and eventually go in reverse.

14 Don't dread having teenagers in the house. Those may just be your most fun parenting years yet.

15 The car, even with windows sealed, is NOT sound-proof. You can be heard by someone a few feet away. 

16 Don't rent an apartment or go on vacation with someone you barely know. They may take you straight to Crazy Town. 

17 There is no "right way" to birth or feed a baby. Don't let mommy-guilt win. And moms, we need to stop inflicting the mommy-guilt on other young moms. 

18 You can love God and have a faith that would move mountains, but depression can still creep in and take control of your brain. Depression IS a disease, and taking medication does NOT make you any less of a Christian. 

19 God is not up there with a checklist playing Whack-A-Mole when someone screws up. 

20 "Train up a child" will only take you so far. Inherited faith is shallow faith. Ask questions (God can handle it) and explore the reality of what you've always been told is truth. Own your faith.

21 The world is not as black and white as you thought it was as a kid. 

22  Never shop for groceries when you're hungry. 

23 When you display a fake persona, you are doing no one any favors. People will only feel betrayed when they discover the real you. Don't pretend life is great when it's not. Blowing sunshine up someone's skirt is never appreciated. 

24 No matter how boring you think your life is, get it down on paper or in pictures. Preserve your history.

25 People will not like you if you're constantly trying to one-up them in a conversation. You don't have to have the better story. Actively listen, instead of mentally composing your next line in the conversation. 

26 Reaching a point in your relationship where you don't have much to say is NOT a bad thing. Be comfortable with and enjoy the silence. 

27 A kidney stone IS worse than labor pains.

28 While being called "cute" or mistaken for 10 years younger than your actual age may seem like an insult in your 20's and 30's, you will absolutely LOVE hearing things like this one day. 

29 Just because you make great friends, doesn't mean you'll make great business partners.

30 Adolescent boys' bedrooms STINK. I don't know why, they just do. Trust me. 

31 Unless you have received confirmation of a pregnancy, never, ever, EVER ask a woman when her baby is due. It'll be embarrassing and awkward for both of you if there is, in fact, no baby on board. Also...NEVER touch a pregnant belly unless you've been invited to do so. Some people might consider that rude.

32 Our secrets keep us sick.

33 Don't put people on a pedestal. They are human, they make mistakes, and they WILL disappoint you. 

34 If you obstetrician suggests you could gain some weight by eating tofu (because it's high in protein), cook it first. Don't EVER eat it raw, ESPECIALLY if you're pregnant and queasy. 

35 As Americans, we like to talk about our rights and what we deserve or feel entitled to. I mean, come on; we live by the Bill of Rights. Well, Jesus told us that as sinners, what we DESERVED was death. Fortunately, he took on our sin and shame and served that term for us, giving us life eternal. If we never get anything else for as long as we live, His gift was ENOUGH. Don't tell people what you deserve.

36 Snopes.com is your friend. SERIOUSLY. Don't spam your friends and family with rumors and false information. Do a little research. 

37 Never underestimate the healing power of a good belly laugh. And on the contrary, hugs are NOT healing to everyone.

38 You will never regret being kind.

39 Getting your hands dirty in the garden or cranking up your stereo is some of the best (and cheapest) therapy.

40 Contrary to the famous Jerry Maguire quote, a spouse can not complete you. Compliment you, yes. Don't depend on them for your very existence. Develop close friendships, find hobbies, be comfortable in your own skin. You don't have to do everything together, or enjoy ALL the same things to be happy together. You had an identity before marriage; don't forget that. 

Pay It Forward

The place that our family called home for 13 years was filled with thousands of irises, Tennessee's state flower. I was SO excited about inheriting these beautiful plants, and I would cut giant bouquets and place them all over the house. I began to move the plants all around the yard. The more I divided them, the more they would multiply. I had more than I knew what to do with, so eventually, I began to offer them to family, friends, even friends of friends, one of which gave me the nickname "the iris lady". I love spreading the wealth and bringing a smile to the faces of others. People will post pictures of the irises I've given them on Facebook, and I so enjoy seeing my babies being loved by other people and thriving in new homes.

We moved nearly 2 years ago, but we still rent the old property out. These tenants aren't gardeners in the least, so I've been on a rescue mission lately, to dig up all of my plants and move them to our new place. Last summer, I offered up more irises to anyone that was interested. One day, early in the fall, I saw 2 of the women that work in my chiropractor's office at a landscape place. We chatted briefly, and I mentioned all of the plants I was trying to rescue. I offered them some irises, and they were both interested. Later in the fall, I brought sacks of iris plants to my chiropractor's office. Both women were excited, but especially Jan. She had just recently lost her mother, and she thought planting the irises would be a nice tribute to her. I showed them both how deep to plant them and explained that they likely wouldn't bloom in the first year after being transplanted. 

It was a long, cold winter. Finally, the temperatures began to rise, and I would get reports every Monday when I came in for my chiropractor visits. "I'm starting to get green leaves!" "Shouldn't they be blooming by now?" I had to remind them again that they probably wouldn't bloom this spring. A week ago, Jan was thrilled to tell me that one iris had a stalk with buds. I could tell she was disappointed that it was the only one, but I assured her this was normal. 

Yesterday, I came in for my usual visit. While I was doing my stretches, Jan rushed over and shoved her phone in my face. "Look!", she said, and there was a picture of an iris bloom. "Oh yea! It finally bloomed!", I said. She grinned and said, "Do you know when it opened up?", she hesitated before answering, "...yesterday". I gasped as a chill went up my spine, and exclaimed, "Mother's Day!". Her eyes got teary as she reminded me that she had planted the flowers in honor of her mother. Her husband woke her up Sunday morning and said, "You've GOT to see this!!". He hustled her out of bed and to the window, where a single iris bloom was standing tall and proud. I felt as though my heart would burst. Many people over the years have shown me gratitude for sharing my beautiful plants with them, but this has got to be, hands down, the biggest blessing I've ever received as a result of giving away irises. I don't like the terms "God-thing" or "God-moment"; to me, it minimizes all those other moments that God is ALWAYS working in our lives. But for Jan on this Mother's Day, I know she felt God's arms wrap around her. And knowing that I played just a tiny roll in that moment, is a feeling I can't possibly describe. All I did was pass along some extra plants, plants that were never really mine to begin with. I think this just goes to show that even the slightest kindness we do for others, sometimes matters more than we could ever know. I don't say this to toot my own horn, but to encourage all of you out there to give back; pay it forward. Heck, it's a lesson I myself need to remember more often...be kind; you never know the smiles or the hope you might inspire.