Latest Developments

Several people have asked how my sister is doing. In an earlier post, I explained how hospice was called in for her 3 months ago. She was given 2 months to live. Obviously, she has exceeded that time frame. I haven't updated everyone on the latest developments with Jeannie, because I really didn't think I could explain the situation accurately. Jeannie's health is not improving. However, she has been removed from hospice care, because the doctor decided she was no longer dying and could live with the disease she has. I'm not going to try to explain his thinking on this. She now finds herself at the mercy of the medical community, somewhere she never wanted to be ever again. She will be the guinea pig, while doctors try to figure out what to do with her. She had mentally prepared herself that it was time to go Home, but doctors want to rewrite the way this story ends. They are in favor of "helping" her continue to "live" here on earth. I am heartbroken that she has to endure more pain and suffering. But while her family and friends are distressed about this situation, Jeannie is absolutely devastated.

I know you have questions, and I do, too. But unfortunately, there just aren't any good answers. Instead, we wait. We cry out for mercy. And though it is so very hard, we trust that God is in control and working in a time frame that makes sense to only Him right now. Jeannie and our entire family are so very grateful for all of your prayers and words of encouragement. We humbly ask that you continue to lift our family up in prayer. Much love to you all. 

Heart Of Darkness: Part 2

Fast forward to 2002. Summer of that year was very hard. Pierce was losing all of the skills he had learned that year in school. We were still being told that he just had a speech delay, and that it would be gone by Kindergarten. By the time school started again in the fall of 2002, his teacher could tell something wasn’t right. About that time is when I started having trouble sleeping. By Christmas, Pierce's teacher suggested we get a psych. evaluation for him. I had absolutely no interest in celebrating Christmas that year, but I had to for the kids. I start to hate being around other moms. They would talk about their normal children, and I felt I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. I started to feel so jealous. I couldn’t stop going to events, because people would wonder if something was wrong. I wouldn’t want anyone to talk about me. I’m a pretty good actress (or so I’ve been told), so I would go to scrapbook night, or a Pampered Chef party and no one suspected I was screaming inside.

Winter of 2003 was an especially bleak one. I have a pretty detailed account in my therapy journal, but I'll spare you and give the highlights. On January 14th, the 3rd report card came out. There, in black and white, was confirmation that Pierce was in serious trouble. In addition to our struggles with Pierce, I started to think I'd never see the sun again. We had lots of snow (a total of 17 inches here in Nashville, which is a big deal for us), and cancelled school. On January 16th, 8 inches of snow began falling while kids were in school. Everyone has a story about that day. Total chaos. Once school was finally cancelled, it took me 2 hours to get to there, and another 2 hours to get home. In February, Reagan got the stomach flu and became so dehydrated that she had to spend about 24 hours in the hospital. These incidents may feel like no big deal to you, but for me, they were pushing me closer and closer to my breaking point. In March, we began the process of having Pierce evaluated for autism. I've already explained in previous posts the grieving process that happened during this time. I wasn't grieving a child lost in death, rather the loss of my dreams for him. I started to feel like a monster. I didn’t want to adjust to having an autistic child, I just wanted a normal child. I hated myself for feeling that way. I didn’t feel like a devoted mother and a loving wife. I wasn’t sleeping at night, so I was exhausted all day. I also started to feel pain in my joints. Because of my extensive family history of Lupus, I began to worry that I may finally have succumbed to the disease as well. All I felt was despair. I would cry out to God, but I felt like he wasn’t listening to me. I would go to church and to Ladies Class and leave in tears. Occasionally this was actually being said, most times it wasn't, but what my sick mind was hearing was that I wasn’t good enough. If I just prayed harder and studied harder and trusted God more, my pain and hopelessness would go away. I would ask God, “What am I doing wrong?”. Eventually, I reached a point where the only thing I could feel was numbness. I had no more tears to cry. I couldn't hear God or feel His presence, and I had no energy left to try to speak to Him. The pain of depression is crippling, but to feel nothing is absolutely terrifying. I may have had a few thoughts of suicide, but mostly I just wanted to run away. I wanted to jump in my car, leave everyone and everything, and just drive, as if I could drive away from my demons. Finally, by the end of March, Tim tried to get me to talk about why I was so distant. I told him that I felt absolutely no love for him at all. That's when he knew I desperately needed help. 

Tim and my mother encouraged me to talk to my doctor about everything I was experiencing at my upcoming annual checkup. I had her test me for lupus and check my thyroid, but she was pretty convinced that I was in a deep depression. When depression goes on long enough, it can start to cause you physical pain as well as mental anguish. She felt like that was what was happening to me. Sure enough, the lupus and thyroid tests came back normal. I told a friend, one of the very few I had confided in, that I wasn’t sick, I was just crazy.

Heart Of Darkness

Today is the second day of my kids' Spring Break. It is currently 34 degrees and there is a light dusting of snow on the ground. This winter has seemed to just drag on. Saying "I'm over it" is quite an understatement. I have joked before that I believe I'm solar-powered. The seasons most definitely have an effect on my mood. I first realized this one winter several years back. It was 10 years ago that I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I'm so much better than I was that day in my doctor's office, but it becomes more and more clear that this is going to be a life-long struggle for me. After all, this was not my first battle with depression. And as I started to heal and reflect, I could identify many red flags that popped up all throughout my life. The following is a "Reader's Digest" condensed version of my history. I've decided to break it into 3 parts, so as not to bore you all in one sitting.

Family history was not in my favor. I never knew either of my grandfathers. My father's father was many years older than my grandmother, and he died from diabetes about 4 years before I was born. My mother's father, however, was an alcoholic and drug addict. He took his own life when my mother was only 16 years old. Nearly 8 years later, mom's older sister also committed suicide. My mom was diagnosed with depression when I was in high school, and both my father and sister have been diagnosed, as well. It's probably safe to say that, in my youth, I was rather prone to melancholy. During my teen years, it became quite obvious, as I've stated in an earlier post. I was withdrawn and had very low self-esteem. I liked to listen to depressing music and watch sad movies. I read Stephen King, and I liked poetry by Edgar Allen Poe and Emily Dickinson. I wouldn't want to be identified as weird or freakish, so I refrained from going all "goth". I had some thoughts of suicide, but they were pretty fleeting. I feared pain, so I was too chicken to actually go through with anything. As I've said before, Tim came along and rescued me. He was such a happy person. We dated during my senior year of high school, and then I tried college. I was miserable. I cried every day. I begged my parents to come get me. The pressure was overwhelming. I even had a panic attack late one night, stressing over an English paper that was due. During my freshman year, Tim proposed. We decided to get married that year. I was pretty happy to quit school and get a job so that Tim could finish. A couple of years after we were married, I started to feel regret that I had given up on college so I decided to try again. This time, the stress was tremendous. I only lasted two weeks. I felt like such a failure. My mother, familiar with the warning signs of depression, encouraged me to talk to my doctor. He referred me to a therapist. This was my first clinical depression. I was treated for about six months.

I’ll fast forward a couple of years to 1998, when Pierce was born. The birth was total chaos. I was on bed rest in my 7th month, and went into labor at 35 weeks. He was breech, so I had a C-section. He was in the NICU for 5 days. It was such a whirlwind. I tried to nurse, but I wasn’t able to. I was in tears constantly, but I just assumed it was natural for a first-time, sleep-deprived mom. I didn’t tell my doctor. I wanted this child; I couldn’t tell my doctor that I was feeling overwhelmed. So, I sucked it up and got on with life. In 2001, Reagan was born. Pierce hated the new baby, which was so disappointing and stressful to me.  I couldn’t leave him alone with her. I did once when Reagan was 2 weeks old. She was in her bouncy seat that was sitting on a chair in the living room. I walked into the kitchen, and she began to cry. Before I could get to her, Pierce ran over and flipped the bouncy seat off of the chair. Luckily, Reagan wasn’t hurt. This time, my doctor could sense that I wasn’t handling life very well. She put me on an antidepressant. I gave it two weeks, and it didn’t work. I called and asked if I could switch to something else. I did, and this medication made me want to peel my skin off! She wouldn’t prescribe anything else for me; she instead referred me to a psychiatrist.  I couldn’t imagine getting out of the house on a regular basis with two children and trying to talk to a therapist, so I gave up. Again, I trudged on.

 

Thankfulness Journal #2...And What I've Learned About Myself Since New Year's Day

We are more than 1/3 of the way through 2012. As you may remember, at the end of 2011, I posted a rather lofty list of goals that I wanted to accomplish this year (If you don't remember, here is the link: http://musings-from-melmac.blogspot.com/2011/12/lotta-mo-betta.html). Here's what I've learned about myself since then.

#1: January is one of the worst possible times for me to attempt anything life-changing. Winter in general is just not my season. Ever heard of SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder. I am on medication daily for depression (a topic I plan to write about later this year), but my symptoms are always worse when the weather turns cold and the days get shorter. Maybe this would explain my failure in the past to stick with New Year's resolutions...well, that, and the fact that I'm chronically lazy. Also, January to March are the three busiest months for Metro Nashville Chorus. Regional contest is at the end of March, so extra rehearsals for us AND my quartet are thrown in during those months. When you add to that mix that I have a couple of different leadership roles in this organization AND we had a very successful membership drive at the end of January (I am the Membership Coordinator), I felt like I had little energy to devote to anything else for a while. I'm so easily overwhelmed, that the stress becomes crippling to me. I don't want this to sound bad. I absolutely LOVE singing with this fantastic group of women! Those busy periods for us are temporary and few, and when we see what we've accomplished, the hard work is completely rewarding for all involved.

#2: I don't handle criticism well. Getting those goals down and publishing the post made me feel a little like Jerry Maguire after writing his "mission statement". I panicked a bit, knowing that everyone was watching to see if I'd actually follow through. Yes, I did say at the end of that post that people were welcomed to hold me accountable. Now, I realize I should never had said such. Truth be told, there are VERY few people from whom I can take criticism. I take a chance by writing this blog and showing my personality on Facebook. To make myself so bare and vulnerable like this, I guess I should have a thicker skin. I don't, and I've begun to wonder if the pain with the fallout is worth the risk I take. I can't keep people from expressing their opinions about me, but I won't be offering any open invitations to do so again. In the future, I will have designated "accountability partners". On the other hand, I will take encouragement and praise from almost anyone. I may not always believe you, but feel free to try. :)

I hope these don't sound like excuses, though I guess they kind of are. I'm just trying to figure out where I've gone wrong and how to do this better in the future. I'd like to focus on the positive for a bit, so I don't think I will give a status update goal by goal. Instead, here's what I HAVE accomplished.
#1: I have managed to keep up a "Thankfulness Journal"
#2: I have made great strides in getting my photo albums up to date. The 2012 Family Album is current, as are both of the kids' school albums!
#3: I've tried to improve relationships by texting more, and my hens are making monthly dates to get together.
#4: After a couple of very difficult months (that I WON'T be talking about here), I've become more keenly aware how fragile the the mother/daughter relationship is. I've begun counseling that I hope will help me be a better mom to my soon-to-be teenage daughter.

And now, for your reading pleasure, here is the next installment of my Thankfulness Journal. Enjoy!

Day 68- An awesome dentist and hygienist that's gotten me over my dentist phobia
Day 69- Redbud trees have started blooming

Day 70- Big hot water tank for long showers

Day 71- My bed with clean sheets

Day 72- Reagan's good health (missing the first day of school in nearly 4 years)

Day 73- The way my perennials just come back every year

Day 74- My first visit of the season to Bates Lawn And Garden Center

Day 75- The cherry trees are in full bloom

Day 76- Homemade French toast

Day 77- The chance to dig in the dirt

Day 78- Encouraging words from life group

Day 79- Watched Dancing With The Stars with Reagan

Day 80- Another healthy baby for Misty and Vince!

Day 81- Friends that can help out at the last minute when you have a crisis

Day 82- Noticed the first iris bloom!

Day 83- Fellow MNC quartet, Tessitura won a 3rd place medal at Regional Competition

Day 84- MNC got an -A when we performed for evaluation at competition!! And, I watched Azalea City Chorus win their very first medal! Pure joy!

Day 85- Came home from Chattanooga, and my wisteria vine is just starting to bloom for the first time EVER! I bought it 5 years ago.

Day 86- Pierce is able to go to the dentist now without having to be drugged and physically restrained.

Day 87- A friendly stranger at our door that isn't here to break-in, sell something, or hand me Jehovah's Witness pamphlets.

Day 88- The last time I took the car in for service, I was told it wouldn't be under warranty. I was expecting the worst with having the entire fuel injection system replaced. When Tim called about it today, he asked what the total would be, and they said NOTHING!!!! Turns out this IS UNDER WARRANTY!!! They said it could've cost us $6-8,000.

Day 89- Cooler heads prevailed

Day 90- Watching Reagan play Mario Cart with her daddy

Day 91- The lawn mower cranked.

Day 92- Laura Camp led a prayer during the communion (Sunday morning)

Day 93- Opry Mills is open again nearly 2 years after the flood!

Day 94- Hanging out at Chili's after MNC rehearsal

Day 95- Much needed rain shower

Day 96- Hearing how much my kids love my pancakes

Day 97- A day at the zoo with the kids

Day 98- Reagan got the chance to camp out in a tent and sleeping bag AND have a lemonade stand!

Day 99- He is risen!!!

Day 100- Our guest bath with a shower that's hooked up to it's own separate water heater (Main water heater died today)

Day 101- Easter candy on clearance for 50% off

Day 102- The light from the sunset streaming in through the stained glass windows in the church sanctuary during Vespers

Day 103- New tankless hot water system...an endless supply of hot water!!

Day 104- The Harry Potter books and movies, and sharing them with Reagan

Day 105- April scrapbooking goal accomplished: kids' school books up to date

Day 106- The Sunday School class we've been attending, Parents of Teens

Day 107- Roasted marshmallows over a fire and making s'mores with friends

Day 108- A last minute, lunchtime movie with Tim

Day 109- Gail Srygley, 5th grade Wednesday night teacher whom Reagan just loves.

Day 110- Discovering Once-A-Month cooking years ago. Tonight's dinner came from the freezer and I cooked it weeks ago.

Day 111- My Angry Bird cupcake toppers turned out just as I imagined

Day 112- The group that Tim volunteers with, Rebuilding Together

Day 113- 7th grade boys at Otter Creek Church of Christ

Day 114- Tim's flexible schedule

Day 115- The gift of parenthood (Pierce's birthday)

Day 116- Wildflowers on the side of the interstate

Day 117- A much needed massage after 12 hours of driving and 3 nights sleeping in a hospital recliner

Day 118- 21 years ago, I wanted to go to the prom so bad, I finally gathered up the courage to ask a friend. (21st anniversary of mine and Tim's first date) 

Day 119- Reagan has a daddy that loves spending time with her

Day 120- Blessed by our youth group leading worship this morning

Day 121- Sweet email from a friend telling me what a great influence Pierce has been to her son

Day 122- One of Jeannie's clots has dissolved!

Day 123- Tim got a great, long-term contract with Vanderbilt
Day 124- A surprise visit from Misty AND getting a baby-fix with newborn, Maggie!

The Week I Was Stoned

FORWARD:
I wrote this nearly a week ago. I was waiting to post it until I knew what the ending to the story would be. Yesterday, December 20th, an X-ray showed that the stone is GONE! I have no idea when it decided to vacate the premises. Instead of doing some editing, I decided to leave the post mostly as is. May you NEVER have a week like I just had!!

It was the Christmas season. So much to do. It was also our anniversary. I had spent the last 11 days giving little gifts to my husband in the tradition of "The 12 Days Of Christmas". I called it "The 12 Days Of Our Anniversary". (Someday, I hope to do a little post with all of the pictures of the gifts and notes I gave him) We were all set to spend the day together, celebrating our anniversary on December 12. At 4 am, I woke up in pain. I lay there, hoping it was gas or ovulation pain, but twenty minutes later, my panting and moaning woke Tim up. Tim had a coworker that had recently had kidney stones, so he suggested we go to the ER. Thus began our anniversary from Hell. I've posted about my kidney stone on Facebook ad nauseam, but I've learned a few things from this experience. So at the risk of a lynching from those that are sick to death of hearing about this, I thought I'd share my stones, er, pearls of wisdom.

Kidney stones have a horrible reputation. You go into a doctor's office or ER and even hint at "kidney stones", and you have the sympathy of everyone around you. No one doubts your pain for a second. If they haven't had one themselves, they have all heard the horror stories. They're nearly throwing pain pills at you. "How many do you want? Do you want the really strong stuff? We just want to make you as comfortable as possible." That's reassuring, but at the same time frightening. Just how bad is this going to get?

And speaking of horror stories...Just like your terrifying childbirth stories do nothing to comfort an expectant mother, so do your terrifying stories of passing a kidney stone told to one that has yet to pass theirs. Just sayin'. That said, yes, kidney stones are worse than labor, but allow me to explain why. 1. With labor and delivery you get an epidural. No epidural with kidney stones. 2. Contractions come in waves, with a contraction lasting about 30 seconds. Kidney stone pain is CONSTANT. There may be some days better than others, but mostly, you're in pain until the stone is passed (unless you're completely stoned on pain meds). 3. Childbirth occurs (most of the time) within a few hours or a day. Four days and 12 hours later, I have YET to birth this thing. Although, as I commented on Facebook, you don't have to figure out how to send a kidney stone to college, so I'll take the stone.

This was horrible timing, happening on our anniversary and so close to Christmas. But, it could've been worse. Just 12 hours before my pain began, I had returned from a girls weekend in the mountains. Miles away from an ER. Yikes! And though I love to savor my last few days of freedom before kids are out of school and that was ruined by this stupid stone, I never would've gotten the rest I needed had this happened a week later while the kids were home all day. Again, yikes!

Finally, I knew my husband was amazing, but I was reminded how much this week. He completely rearranged his schedule so that he could deliver kids to and from school while I was doped up on pain meds, and he NEVER complained. He's ever the optimist, so he tried to help me laugh at the absurdity of our situation. The night this all began, on our anniversary, his Facebook post read, "I think we were attacked by the irony police today. See, I was going to surprise Mel with dinner at Stoney River. We were going to have Rock Lobster. Then later we were going to go to the Cold Stone Creamery." Sure, it was completely unromantic, but it was freakin' hilarious. A kidney stone is the absolute worst anniversary gift I can imagine, but at the same time, it has reminded me of my husband's patient, loving, gentle spirit and the awesome marriage that I've been blessed with. Maybe this stupid stone was what we needed after all.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I've had this blog for nearly a year now. When I started, I was full of motivation and ready to make some changes. I've had some personal setbacks throughout the year, as did most of Nashville. Let me tell you, the Noah's Ark jokes got old reeeeeeally quickly. With each speed bump, I managed to recover and try to keep a positive attitude. However, the last few months have been quite a challenge for me. The hits just seem to keep on coming, and I'm ending the year shell-shocked and limping across the 2010 finish line.

In late August/early September, my sister had a health crisis. She's been battling illness for many years since a Lupus diagnosis at the age of 15. I could go into all of the other diagnoses that have stemmed from that, but I'd need several blog posts to accomplish this. Anyway, she developed some internal bleeding that kept her in one hospital or another for a couple of weeks. It was obviously stressful for the whole family. The bleeding stopped somehow, and we never got answers as to why or how it all began. We thought she was on the road to recovery, but just a couple of days ago, she began experiencing numbness and memory loss, which made us suspect some sort of stroke. She is hospitalized once again; I pray she doesn't have to spend her Christmas there.

A couple of weeks after my sister's initial crisis, we experienced the nightmare of Pierce's disappearance (If you haven't read it already, details are in the post "Every Parents Worst Nightmare"). This set us on a journey we weren't ready to take. Realizing he was oblivious to the dangers around him and faced with very low test scores, we came to the realization that Pierce would not be attending college one day; instead, we needed to place him in Life Skills classes that would prepare him to, hopefully, live on his own one day. Just when we thought he understood how dangerous his wandering had been, we had another scary incident in October. He was upset about something at church, and ran out of his Sunday School classroom. After searching for some time, a member of our church pulled up in the parking lot with Pierce in her car. She had seen him in the Chic-Fil-A parking lot down the road from the church, and she coaxed him into her car with candy and toys. Within a couple of days, I got Pierce in to see a Pediatric Neurologist. She started him on anti-anxiety medication. We're still working on getting him on the right dosage. I can't even begin to convey how emotional this has been for our whole family.

Tim's job has been both a blessing and a curse. We're so very thankful that he has found work in our still struggling economy. Construction is an industry that has yet to fully recover here in Nashville. That being said, we've had almost too much work lately. In the meantime, the remodeling we've done on this very old house has begun to fail, and we've been faced with some home repairs of our own. When Tim comes home exhausted from working all day with some very needy clients on the problems with their homes, what do you think is the LAST thing he wants to think about? I'm sure you can imagine what a strain this has been on our home life.

Last week, I went on a field trip with Reagan's chorus. I was gone for all of two hours. When I came home and walked into our living room, I noticed our TV was gone. I walked back into the kitchen and could see into our bonus room. The glass in our back door had been smashed. We'd been robbed. They took computers, wii, xbox, nearly all of the games for both, cable motem and routers, an old video camera, and two pieces of jewelry: a broach belonging to my great-grandmother and Tim's wedding ring. This wasn't our first break-in. Almost five years ago, Reagan and I came home to find a man and his girlfriend ransacking our house. They were never caught. We've made an insurance claim, but there's a $1000 deductible. I wasn't through with our Christmas shopping, and now I have to spend money on replacing stuff these crooks stole. They didn't just take our stuff, though. They dealt me a final, crippling blow to my emotional state so that I'm ready to climb into a hole and hibernate for the remainder of winter. To add insult to injury, we celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary this past Sunday with a fender-bender due to snowy/icy roads. UNCLE!!!

I'm really sorry that the final blog post of the year is so very negative. Quite the contrast to my last post, huh? I figure I'm among friends, though, and if you can't be honest with those you love, then just what kind of friends are they? If I had a message, I guess it would be this: Be kind to everyone you encounter this Christmas season. You have no idea what kind of burdens they are carrying. In the immortal words of Tiny Tim, "God bless us, everyone!" I'm praying for a kinder, gentler 2011. How about you?

Don't Stand So Close To Me

Personal space is the region surrounding a person which they regard as psychologically their own. If you know me pretty well, you know that I have issues with personal space. Let's just say my "bubble" is bigger than the average person's. Friends have quite a bit of fun teasing me about this quirk of mine. While some think it's funny and just a part of who I am, others are filled with questions. How did I get this way? Was I never hugged as a child? How can I be married (and have produced 2 children) when my need for personal space is so great? Do I have a problem being intimate with my husband? Do I hug my children? Truthfully, I can't answer the "why". For the most part, my parents and sister enjoy hugging. I just remember myself feeling a little prickly and not really wanting to hug a lot. My mom says it started in my teens. I think I began to feel it more when I started having kids. I began to feel like my body wasn't my own any more, and I started to become more protective of it.

An anthropologist by the name of Edward T. Hall coined the term Proxemics in 1966. This is the study of set measurable distances between people as they interact. There are 4 different distances in which to interact: intimate distance, personal distance, social distance, and public distance. I will try to explain these and the way they directly relate to me. Intimate distance is for embracing, touching or whispering. Hall says this circle can be between less than 6in.-18 inches around a person. There are 3 people that I allow into this space on a regular basis: Tim, Pierce and Reagan. I hug and kiss my kids daily. And Tim and I, well, you know... Even with my family though, I have limits. I can't stand when the kids hover around me while I'm sitting on the couch. I can't sleep at night if Tim is touching me. We have a queen-sized bed; I don't think we could fit a king-sized bed into the room or we'd have one. I so love those vacation nights in giant hotel beds; so roomy! When Tim is away from home, I sleep GREAT. One thing I can't quite figure out is my love of massage. A masseuse definitely violates my personal space, but I enjoy that deep pressure that works out all of my neck and shoulder kinks. It does creep me out to feel their hair brush up against me or their breath on my neck. I also enjoy pedicures. Since the nail tech is working on my feet and is nowhere close to my face I'm okay. I don't care for facials or makeovers much. Those people get all up in my grill and make me very uncomfortable.

Personal distance is between 1.5-4 feet around a person. This space is for good friends or family members. I am definitely at the far end of the spectrum. I don't hug my best friends or family members unless I haven't seen them in months. That's just an understanding among us. When my "hens" gather together, I can't stand cramming 3 or 4 of us on a couch. I usually take the big recliner so there are no violations. Same goes for the rest of my family. I feel claustrophobic squished between two people; no matter if you're my mom or some casual acquaintance.

Social Distance is between 4-12 feet. This space is for interaction with acquaintances. Again, my "invisibubble" is a large one. It was pretty well known at the church we attended for several years that I'm not a hugger. So, I didn't have to worry about that much every Sunday. Even in the Sunday School class full of people that I loved, I usually spaced the chairs out a little further so I wouldn't be touching the person next to me. Most times, I put my purse and bible on the empty seat beside me as a buffer. Now, we're at a new church home. Fortunately, I haven't encountered many people that consider hugging an appropriate greeting. The 3-year-olds that I work with lack personal space boundaries, but I think I've handled the stress pretty well so far. The group that has challenged me the most, though, is chorus. These girls LOVE to hug. On the night I was initiated, I was hugged by about 30 women. Lord have mercy! The word has slowly trickled out about my anti-hugging policy, so accommodations have been made. Some give me the fist-bump, some give me the hand-hug that I learned recently. Sometimes, though, I just have to grin and bear it!

Public Distance is between 12-25 feet or more. This space is for interactions with strangers in public places. I can not STAND line-crowders. I should not have to feel your buggy in my back while I'm waiting in line at the register. I tend to avoid crowded places in general. I know I'll save more money at the packed Walmart, but I'd prefer to go to the less-populated Target. I hate full elevators. Thank God I don't live in a huge city where I'd regularly have to use public transportation like a subway. I could see how one would become agoraphobic in New York City. I read recently about Cuddle Parties. Complete strangers getting together to hug and touch each other (non-sexually). Just reading about it gave me the heebie-jeebies! It sounds like my version of Hell, if you ask me.

I know I'm weird. There are others like me. In fact, in my circle of friends and acquaintances, I can think of 3. At the same time, I know there are lots of people out there that crave physical touch. If you REALLY need a hug from me, I will suck it up and oblige. But, will you extend the same courtesy and refrain from touching me unless absolutely necessary? Thanks.

I'll Be Back

The summer has flown by! I can't believe that the first day of school is only a little over two weeks away. I've been chewing on some things, but I haven't found the time to blog. Some of that has to do with the fact that my children have taken over the computer for the summer. My dear, sweet husband got me an iPad, but typing anything longer than a status update on Facebook just isn't very feasible with a touch screen. When I am able to pry the computer away, I can't complete a thought due to the constant interruptions (I'll expand upon those in a bit). So, I'll get into the more thought-provoking subjects in a couple of weeks when I have (slightly) more peace and quiet. In the meantime, here are a few highlights of our summer.

On the very last day of school, I was checking on my vegetable garden when I heard a tiny cry. When I went to investigate, I found a very newborn kitten. He was all alone, dirty and covered with fleas. Now, I am not a cat person. However, I couldn't just leave it to die, so I went into action. I rushed him to a vet where they guessed he was just a few days old. We got some formula and bottles, some basic instructions, and then the vet clinic wished us good luck. We set him up in a box with a heating pad and fed the kitten every three hours. That was nearly nine weeks ago, and Milo is now a playful, happy kitten. We've decided to keep him as a companion to Reagan's cat.

Both kids went to church camp this year, and had a FABULOUS time. A lot of thought was put into ways to accommodate Pierce. There were many staff looking out for him at all times, but the best thing to see was how the other 6th grade boys treated him. When we pulled up at the camp, one boy ran to our car and greeted Pierce. He was in Pierce's cabin, and couldn't wait to show him where they would be staying. I knew he was in great hands. Reagan had a couple of moments of homesickness, but so did her best friend, so she told me that they cried together sometimes, and then they were okay. They can't wait to go back next year!

We've had lots of activities to keep us busy, and Pierce has been a trooper for most of them. We had one incident during one of the free movies. I still don't know what it was that set him off, but he was out of his seat and running out of the auditorium before I could react. I chased him down and reached him just as he was about to burst through an exit and into the parking lot. That's been our only major snafu. He's been repeating things A LOT, so I'm looking forward to getting him back to a consistent school routine with regular speech therapy.

Our last big news of the summer is that we got a puppy! I had been wanting a puppy for quite some time. We had put down our sweet, old Pekingese last fall, and I'd been missing having a dog around. It was probably crazy to do this now in the midst of raising a kitten, but I thought it would be fun to have the two grow up together. She is a mostly black Boston Terrier/Pug mix that we got from a shelter in Kentucky. She's about two months old and very sweet natured. Midnight has her moments of friskiness, but she'd much prefer to lay in your lap and veg. While the potty training and sleepless nights are stressful, I think she makes a great addition to our family.

So that's our summer in a nutshell. Hope yours has been fun and safe. I'm looking forward to getting back to the blog!

School's Out For Summer

It's the day that I dread all year: the last day of school. Well, that's not entirely true. While the kids were super excited this morning and I was less than enthusiastic, Reagan said, "You don't like summer, do you mommy?" I actually do like summer for the first month. It's nice to wake up a little later than normal and have nothing to do, nowhere to be, no homework to make you feel like a complete idiot (Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Apparently I'm not!). If you want stuff to keep the kids busy (camps, summer reading activities at the library, etc.), it's pretty easy to find for the month of June. But for some reason, it becomes harder to find programs that run past the first week of July. So by mid-July, I have two kids that are needing stimulation, and I've run out of steam.

Also, as I've said before, Pierce thrives on a regimented schedule. Without one, he's much more prone to moments of frustration. I'm filling our calendar with many opportunities to stay busy, but Pierce had an episode on Sunday that makes me fearful of taking him to public places on my own. Before heading to Panera (our usual Sunday lunch stop), we had to stop at my father-in-law's house to drop something off. Pierce loves grandpa's house, because there is a pool. He didn't protest when we left, so I thought he was alright with us not going swimming that day. But when we got to Panera, he freaked. He tried getting away from us and ran towards the very busy entrance to the shopping center. He was way too strong for me; Tim tackled him. If he hadn't been there, I don't know if I could have regained control of Pierce.

So far, we have a few church activities (including camp for both), summer reading through the library, dance camp for Reagan, the "Kids Bowl Free" program, and free summer movies. If you have some fun summer plans, I'd love to hear them. Also, if you have a pool to share (hey, I ain't too proud to beg!), we may need it. Grandpa may or may not be putting the house on the market. It probably wouldn't show well with a couple of noisy kids splashing around in the pool! Have a safe, fun summer and shoot up a prayer or two for me. Lord knows I'll need it.

I'm Still Standin'

Somehow, last week got away from me before I was able to make a new entry to the blog. For those of you waiting with breathless anticipation for the next installment of the church saga, I would ask for your patience. You see, the next stage of grief I need to talk about is Depression. I'm having a difficult time putting my thoughts into words. Also, I'm part of a Sweet Adelines chorus, and we're going to Chattanooga this weekend for our regional competition (my first time on the contest stage, BTW!). I'm afraid that revisiting all of the emotions from the past will crush the positive, winning attitude I'm trying to maintain right now. So, friends, stay tuned. I WILL keep writing the story, and it WILL have a happy ending! My next blog post will be a continuation of my series on cooking and freezing. For the month of April, in honor of Autism Awareness Month, I will be doing a series about our experiences raising an autistic son.

I have been touched by all of the encouragement I've received from so many of you. I'm honored that you would take a minute or two out of your day to read the out-pouring of my heart and soul. Thank you again for your support.

How's That Workin' For Ya?

By now you are probably wondering how this schedule I put together is working out. Have you ever heard the quote, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans"? Well, He must think I'm a real stand-up comedienne. My kids have had only one five-day school week in 2010. I've seen more snow this winter than I think I have in my entire life. There have been too many sweets in the house with my daughter's birthday, Valentine's Day, and those evil Girl Scout cookies; you can probably imagine how well that "getting in shape" thing is going. I've had my mom and sister here for a week. Don't get me wrong; I LOVE my family!! It just stresses me a little to change the family routine to accommodate extra people in the house. Maybe most of you can roll with the punches and improvise when your day doesn't turn out how you planned. I desperately wish I were like you. I do NOT adapt well to change. This is probably not news to you, since I've already written about how difficult changing churches has been on me. This not knowing from day-to-day whether my kids will be home or in school has thrown me for a loop. Please excuse me for being crass, but in the words of the great Dolly Parton (Steel Magnolias), I'm so confused I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt! Instead of pressing on when my schedule is changed, I tend to just consider that day a lost cause and try again another day. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find any make-up days.

Sheesh; does this post sound as scatter-brained to you as it does to me? I hope very soon I can attain some sense of normalcy and sanity in my life. If any of you out there have that ability to adapt to life's little curve-balls, could you please give me some pointers? Help a sista out!