The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I'm touched that so many of you have asked when I'm going to get back to blogging, and that you're anxious to hear "the rest of the story". Well, it's been a long time coming, but here it is. I hope I don't disappoint you!

I need to back up a little bit and mention something very important that led us to choose Otter Creek as our new church home. I've said before that several friends that had once attended Antioch C of C (that's Church of Christ for you non-C of C-ers) had made the move to Otter Creek, so it was one of the first churches we chose to visit. We visited there twice before leaving Antioch; in December of 2008, Tim went with the kids while I was out-of-town one Sunday. In January of 2009, our whole family visited together. Before the very first visit, a friend of ours, Jeff, told one of the children's ministers that we were coming and had an autistic son. They were thrilled to have Pierce visit. After our second visit, this children's minister, Janet, flagged Jeff down in the parking lot after church to ask how Pierce (and the rest of the family) felt at OC. She wanted us to feel welcome there, and she wanted to know what she could do to be more accommodating. Jeff gave her our number, and Janet called that week. She asked me the same question. Even if we chose not to return, she wanted to know how she could help other kids like Pierce in the future at Otter Creek. This made a HUGE impression on me and Tim. This proved to us that the children's ministry at Otter Creek was more about "acceptance" than "tolerance", and it was just what we needed to hear.

So, now I'll fast forward to a year later. In January of 2010, Tim had just about had enough of my attitude regarding church. After a couple of heated discussions, Tim sent me an email one day outlining what he saw as our options. 1) I needed to get with the program and find a way to plug in at OC. 2) We needed to visit the church that a couple of my hens attended. 3) We should try a church that we'd visited a couple of times (another church that one of my hens attended). He made it very clear that he loved Otter Creek, but he couldn't stand to see me miserable any more and didn't want me to feel like I was "taking one for the team" by staying there. A week later, Tim and I had breakfast together to discuss these options. I continued to insist that it didn't matter where I was; I was going to be miserable unless a change happened within me. We left without any resolution being made. That afternoon while I was napping on the couch, the phone rang. It was the other children's minister at OC, Melanie. She remembered me asking her at a luncheon for prospective members last summer about whether or not OC had any other kids like Pierce. I had told her that day all about the support ministry I had been involved in at Antioch. Melanie told me that that conversation had been on her mind lately, and she felt as if she needed to do something. She thought that Otter Creek needed to be a place that welcomed ALL children, including those with special needs. She wanted my advice about starting a ministry that would accommodate kids with special needs and asked if there was any possibility I'd be free tomorrow morning to discuss this. I was completely stunned (not to mention a little foggy from my nap), but agreed to meet with her. From that moment, something began to change in me.

The next morning, while I was heading to the church, Tim was typing up his prayer for me and (unbeknownst to me) sending prayer requests to his closest buddies. I had many people petitioning God on my behalf. Before getting out of the car, I spent a minute or two in prayer as well. Melanie and I talked about some of the logistics, but she was certain that this was a ministry Otter Creek needed. She wanted me to help her start it. When I left that meeting, I had chills and even felt a little shaky. I called Tim immediately and asked just what exactly he'd been praying for me, because something was happening! I was so excited, I asked him to meet me for lunch. When I got home later, I found Tim's prayer in my inbox:

God,

I don't exactly know what to say in this prayer. You know the struggles that our family has faced in the last 18 months. We lost a church family, and Melissa especially feels like she has been let down by our brothers and sisters here. And I believe she feels like she let down the people at Antioch that she left behind, especially the families that we were working with in the support group. Lord, I ask for you to heal this wound in our lives. I don't know if my belief is right or not Lord, but I want to believe and to trust that thru this painful time, that you will open opportunities for Melissa to serve you and serve your people...especially children like our own son. I pray that Melissa's talk with Melanie will bear fruit for your kingdom, but I don't pretend to believe that I know how you might bring this about. Help us to put our trust in you, and be willing to use our passions that you have given to us in your service.

Only a couple of months later did I know that he had emailed his friend Jason, the husband of a hen, and asked him to be praying that day. Jason then told his wife, who told a couple of other hens.

Even now, trying to put this into words has been hard to explain. I feel as if a switch within me was flipped that week; that's the only way I know to describe it. I almost heard God's voice say to me, "You are home. This is why I brought you and your family here." Our family placed membership at Otter Creek Church Of Christ on Valentine's Day. Pretty soon, we joined a life group and started making connections. I even stepped out of my box a few months later and in one night volunteered for both the Praise Team and the Vespers chanters. What's that all about?! I can't lie and say I love all of the new-fangled "Praise and Worship" music, but I'm starting to appreciate it for what it is. A couple of months after we placed membership, a new family placed membership; they have a child with Cerebral Palsy. At about the same time, another Otter Creek family was getting a diagnosis of autism for their three-year-old son. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to help these families. I still miss Antioch. I'll never forget the friends we left behind and all of the wonderful blessings we received there. But, the ache in my heart is gone. I finally feel peace and acceptance.

I'll Be Back

The summer has flown by! I can't believe that the first day of school is only a little over two weeks away. I've been chewing on some things, but I haven't found the time to blog. Some of that has to do with the fact that my children have taken over the computer for the summer. My dear, sweet husband got me an iPad, but typing anything longer than a status update on Facebook just isn't very feasible with a touch screen. When I am able to pry the computer away, I can't complete a thought due to the constant interruptions (I'll expand upon those in a bit). So, I'll get into the more thought-provoking subjects in a couple of weeks when I have (slightly) more peace and quiet. In the meantime, here are a few highlights of our summer.

On the very last day of school, I was checking on my vegetable garden when I heard a tiny cry. When I went to investigate, I found a very newborn kitten. He was all alone, dirty and covered with fleas. Now, I am not a cat person. However, I couldn't just leave it to die, so I went into action. I rushed him to a vet where they guessed he was just a few days old. We got some formula and bottles, some basic instructions, and then the vet clinic wished us good luck. We set him up in a box with a heating pad and fed the kitten every three hours. That was nearly nine weeks ago, and Milo is now a playful, happy kitten. We've decided to keep him as a companion to Reagan's cat.

Both kids went to church camp this year, and had a FABULOUS time. A lot of thought was put into ways to accommodate Pierce. There were many staff looking out for him at all times, but the best thing to see was how the other 6th grade boys treated him. When we pulled up at the camp, one boy ran to our car and greeted Pierce. He was in Pierce's cabin, and couldn't wait to show him where they would be staying. I knew he was in great hands. Reagan had a couple of moments of homesickness, but so did her best friend, so she told me that they cried together sometimes, and then they were okay. They can't wait to go back next year!

We've had lots of activities to keep us busy, and Pierce has been a trooper for most of them. We had one incident during one of the free movies. I still don't know what it was that set him off, but he was out of his seat and running out of the auditorium before I could react. I chased him down and reached him just as he was about to burst through an exit and into the parking lot. That's been our only major snafu. He's been repeating things A LOT, so I'm looking forward to getting him back to a consistent school routine with regular speech therapy.

Our last big news of the summer is that we got a puppy! I had been wanting a puppy for quite some time. We had put down our sweet, old Pekingese last fall, and I'd been missing having a dog around. It was probably crazy to do this now in the midst of raising a kitten, but I thought it would be fun to have the two grow up together. She is a mostly black Boston Terrier/Pug mix that we got from a shelter in Kentucky. She's about two months old and very sweet natured. Midnight has her moments of friskiness, but she'd much prefer to lay in your lap and veg. While the potty training and sleepless nights are stressful, I think she makes a great addition to our family.

So that's our summer in a nutshell. Hope yours has been fun and safe. I'm looking forward to getting back to the blog!

School's Out For Summer

It's the day that I dread all year: the last day of school. Well, that's not entirely true. While the kids were super excited this morning and I was less than enthusiastic, Reagan said, "You don't like summer, do you mommy?" I actually do like summer for the first month. It's nice to wake up a little later than normal and have nothing to do, nowhere to be, no homework to make you feel like a complete idiot (Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Apparently I'm not!). If you want stuff to keep the kids busy (camps, summer reading activities at the library, etc.), it's pretty easy to find for the month of June. But for some reason, it becomes harder to find programs that run past the first week of July. So by mid-July, I have two kids that are needing stimulation, and I've run out of steam.

Also, as I've said before, Pierce thrives on a regimented schedule. Without one, he's much more prone to moments of frustration. I'm filling our calendar with many opportunities to stay busy, but Pierce had an episode on Sunday that makes me fearful of taking him to public places on my own. Before heading to Panera (our usual Sunday lunch stop), we had to stop at my father-in-law's house to drop something off. Pierce loves grandpa's house, because there is a pool. He didn't protest when we left, so I thought he was alright with us not going swimming that day. But when we got to Panera, he freaked. He tried getting away from us and ran towards the very busy entrance to the shopping center. He was way too strong for me; Tim tackled him. If he hadn't been there, I don't know if I could have regained control of Pierce.

So far, we have a few church activities (including camp for both), summer reading through the library, dance camp for Reagan, the "Kids Bowl Free" program, and free summer movies. If you have some fun summer plans, I'd love to hear them. Also, if you have a pool to share (hey, I ain't too proud to beg!), we may need it. Grandpa may or may not be putting the house on the market. It probably wouldn't show well with a couple of noisy kids splashing around in the pool! Have a safe, fun summer and shoot up a prayer or two for me. Lord knows I'll need it.

That Dark Night Of The Soul

It's been a long time coming, but here is the next post in my "church saga" series. As usual, I hope not to offend; I'm just sayin'...

It was hard to separate the Anger phase from the Depression phase. I think I volleyed between the two for a while. One aspect of this change in churches that greatly disappointed me was the support group I had left behind. I had been motivated to start a support group for the parents of special needs kids in the summer of 2008 after talking to a mom at Antioch. She felt she could benefit from meeting with parents that were going, or had gone, through some of the same struggles she was having with her special needs child. We met once a month on Wednesday nights at Antioch. As I felt abandoned myself, I felt guilty that I was abandoning them the same way. This was a ministry I felt passionate about, and so many families needed it. Antioch had about 10-12 families caring for a child with some sort of disability. Just walking away from them the way I did made me feel sick. Logistically, I couldn't continue the ministry, because they needed a leader that was a full-time member at Antioch. When I asked one of the children's ministers at this new church whether or not there were other kids like my son here, she named one other child that had some struggles. I felt like I couldn't be of use here and that I was denying God's purpose for my life.

I desperately missed my hens. I could connect with them once or twice a week before, but now we were scattered all over Nashville on Sundays and Wednesdays. We rarely saw each other, and the loss was like losing a limb. I spent my Saturdays dreading church the following day. Sunday became a day I hated. Worship for me was ANYTHING but joyful. My husband and friends could tell I was miserable and suggested that if I hated this new church so much, maybe I should find somewhere else I could be happy. I knew that it wasn't that simple. I didn't think I'd find a place to be happy because I was so jaded. The foundations of my faith were shaken. Why would I want to devote my life to another church family for another twelve years or more just to see this happen again someday? All of those scriptures about the body of Christ and unity in Him felt like a load of bunk to me. Church politics just seemed inevitable. People were going to worship together until something annoyed them, and then they'd move on to greener pastures. The concept of a home church started looking pretty good to me. I wouldn't have to form any new relationships, I could just worship. Of course, this didn't sit well with my family, so I had to suck it up and go to church every Sunday. I was drifting aimlessly, because my anchor was missing. I felt so alone and very far from God. I couldn't even talk to Him anymore.

Random Acts Of Kindness

One of the things I worried about the most early on was that Pierce would be teased for being different. While we have had the occasional episode of Pierce being mistreated, I have been blessed to witness acts of kindness from kids and adults, friends and strangers. Pierce was accepted right away by his peers in Kindergarten. His teacher told me about how the children treated him while they were learning to read. Kids that age can be antsy and impatient, especially when someone is taking too long to read. These children were no different, until it became Pierce's turn. No matter how long it took him, they became quiet and waited patiently for him to finish. There were a few kids (mostly girls ;) ) that loved to help but had to be told not to help him quite so much. Bless their little hearts, they just wanted to take care of him! When Pierce was in 3rd grade, we felt that he was finally ready to participate in his first school program. He would be waving a long ribbon and singing a couple of songs and then playing the xylophone for a couple more songs. They put him next to a couple of his classmates. When he seemed to lose focus during the ribbon waving, the girl beside him would help him remember what it was he was supposed to be doing. And at the xylophone, a girl stood right behind him ready to help if Pierce needed her. From what I understand, several kids wanted to be the ones that got to help Pierce. I only heard of one bad incident in all five years of elementary school. Last year, a new student thought it would be funny to make Pierce kiss one of the girls in their class during gym. She rounded up a few more troublemakers to hold Pierce and this classmate and force them together. The rest of Pierce's class was furious when they realized what was happening and immediately ran for help. I talked to the grandmother of the classmate that Pierce "kissed" the next day, and she told me that along with being embarrassed, Britney was really sad that Pierce had been treated so badly. On Pierce's last day of elementary school last year, it seemed that every employee of the school knew him and were wishing him good luck for middle school. Even some parents that I didn't know knew who Pierce was and were telling him to have a great summer. The love for him at that school was almost overwhelming.

Kids and adults at church are much the same way. At our new church, several kids almost always make an effort to greet Pierce and give him high fives in the hallway. I have heard more than one story of how amazed a Sunday school teacher is at how their class seems to rally around Pierce. I am so thankful for these teachers, but they tell me THEY are the ones receiving the blessing because of the chance to work with Pierce. A couple of my favorite stories happened at a church camp a few years ago. Every year, families from Antioch spend a week in June at Pickett State Park. We call it Antioch Church Encampment, or ACE. I was encouraged to go for the first time in 2004 when the kids were 6 and 3. Tim couldn't get the time off of work, so I was a single mom for the week. All of the moms there offered me an extra hand whenever I needed one throughout the week. One little boy Pierce's age took a special interest in him. He joined us for meal times and hikes and followed Pierce around. One day, he asked me why Pierce didn't have his bike with him at camp like most of the other kids did. I explained that Pierce didn't know how to ride a bike yet. My heart just melted when his face lit up and he exclaimed, "I'll teach him how to ride my bike!". It didn't even occur to him what a challenge that would be. Of course, Pierce didn't learn how to ride a bike that week, but this child wasn't discouraged and continued to call Pierce "friend". The craft for the week was rocket building. Most of the dads helped their kids, but I didn't have a clue where to begin. One of the dads took Pierce's kit and built the rocket for him, in addition to the one he was building for his family. Pierce and Reagan helped with the decorating. On the day of the launch, I don't know who was more excited: Pierce or everyone else watching! A couple of dads helped him set it up. When it was launched, Pierce got more enthusiastic applause than anyone else that launched a rocket that day! Another dad helped him run through the field and find the rocket.

I guess the stories that move me the most involve the kindness of strangers. You expect your friends and family to show compassion, but the times you see this demonstrated by complete strangers is when you truly see the face of Christ. Some of you may have already read this story, as I posted it on Facebook last summer. It still moves me today, so I'm posting it again.

The kids and I decided to take in "Horton Hears A Who", the free movie today, at Opry Mills. We got there early so that we could get seats. As usual, when something is free, the participants are plenty. They had not opened the doors to the theater yet, so there was a line along the wall. We ended up right in front of the entrance/exit to the mall. A day care group was a few feet ahead of us. One of the kids began to wail. If you've spent any time around Pierce, you know that the sound of a crying child really distresses him. Pierce began to cry and threw himself to the ground. I wrestled him up (not an easy task as he is 11 and now eye-to-eye with me) and offered him his earplugs. This worked for a few seconds, but the child continued to wail. When Pierce is in a stressful situation and is faced with the option of "fight or flight" he will ALWAYS choose "flight". He realized, at about the same time I did, that we were right at the automatic doors. He decided to make a run for the parking lot. I grabbed the back of his shirt, and this threw him off-balance. He crashed into the mom (who was holding her small child) behind me. I was mortified! I apologized and braced myself for the condemning glare and stinging criticism that I knew was coming. Instead, she asked, with genuine concern, "Is he okay?". I explained that Pierce is autistic and the noise was beginning to upset him. This mom says to me, "If you need to take him outside for a few minutes, I wouldn't mind holding your place in line." I was so touched, and graciously accepted her help. We stepped outside and began debating whether to stay or go. Pierce kept chanting "go home", but when I asked if he wanted to see the movie, he said "yes". Reagan clearly wanted to stay for the movie, but she understood how upset Pierce was. I offered to get the movie at Blockbuster if we had to leave, and she thought that was a great idea. I saw through the doors that the line was moving. Pierce was willing to try again, so we ran back inside. I looked for the mom holding our place in line, and saw about 4 people waving frantically to us. Two people in front of her, and one behind her were all looking for us and waving! They were nearly at the entrance to the theater. Another mom said as we ran up, "We were afraid you wouldn't make it back in time!" We got to see the movie, and Pierce held up pretty well. We only needed one break in the middle when another child began to cry.

There are many other stories of blessings we have received; these are just a few. I hope that I've been able to give some insights into autism this month that have helped you gain some understanding. I'm enjoying the opportunity to share what I've learned over the years. Thanks for the feedback I've received. God bless you all!

Total Eclipse Of The Heart

I have two posts to bring you this week to wrap up my series on autism. One is happy while the other is sad. I'll give you the sad one today, so I can end on a positive note later this week. I've shared how autism has affected Pierce and our family as a whole, but I haven't talked about the emotional struggle that I've endured. I think it is important to share, because it will help you in your interactions with other parents of autistic kids. Maybe you know someone whose child was just recently diagnosed. You may want to talk with this mom or dad about how they are feeling, but you have no idea how to start since you haven't been where they've been. I'm going to tell you a little of what I was feeling when Pierce was diagnosed with autism. As I've said before, every parent is different, so my feelings may not be the same as those of most parents. In fact, I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the same time Pierce got the autism diagnosis, so that definitely affected the way I processed what was happening. I'm writing this for the same reason I've written of my experiences before; I hope that someone is enlightened by what I have to say.

It's hard to say this, but I felt very early on that Pierce and I didn't bond like most mothers and babies do. I thought that the main reason for this was all of the trauma surrounding his birth. I barely had time to kiss his tiny head before they whisked him away from me, and I didn't get to hold him for the first time until the next morning when he was 18 hours old. I tried to nurse him, but we seemed set up for failure and I gave up after three weeks. I loved him fiercely, but I felt like a connection was missing. As Pierce got older and the red flags began appearing, I did what most mothers do. I questioned myself. What was I doing wrong? Was I not interacting with him enough? Was he watching too much television? Pierce was only a baby, so what ever was going on must be my fault. Society seems intent on laying the guilt trip on moms. There were reports everywhere on how important those first three years were. If you weren't breastfeeding, playing him Mozart, showing him Baby Einstein videos and teaching him to read by the time he was three, then you were a bad mom. I felt like a failure. Talking to other moms only reinforced that feeling. There was a huge baby boom at our church the year Pierce was born, so most of those kids were reaching milestones at the same time. Not my son. Whenever a room full of moms would start talking about their kids, I started to feel like the odd man out. If I ever mentioned something strange that Pierce was doing or a milestone he had yet to reach, I was usually met with blank stares. I began to feel that I had nothing to contribute to these discussions, and I began to dread them. I didn't really want to socialize any more. I forced myself to attend church functions, because I didn't want anyone wondering or talking about why I'd suddenly stopped participating. I started to feel extremely jealous of these moms with their "normal" kids.

When we got the autism diagnosis, I went through a variety of emotions. One feeling was a sense of relief. Finally, the doctors see what I'm seeing! Maybe I'm not a bad mom after all! But, I also continued to beat myself up. Pierce was five when he was diagnosed. Why didn't I try harder to get answers sooner? What could I have done differently? What kind of early intervention had we missed out on because we failed to catch this when he was two? I've already told you how overwhelmed I was with information in the beginning. I would read some of this stuff and feel defeated. I didn't want to learn how to live with an autistic child. I just wanted him to be normal, and having that desire made me feel like a monster. Eventually, Tim and I learned that we had to grieve. We had not lost a child in death, but we were losing the idea of a "normal" son. I had imagined a son that would go to college. That would get married. That would raise a family of his own. Now, we weren't sure if any of the dreams we had for him would come true.

As they say, hindsight is 20/20. I believe that the only reason Reagan is with us today is because we got that autism diagnosis later rather than sooner. There is about a 25% chance that a second child will also be autistic. I don't think we would've had a second child knowing the risks. Also, I wouldn't be the advocate that I am if Pierce were "normal" (I keep putting that in quotes because, honestly, is ANY kid really normal? Normal is a relative term.) Later this week, I want to share some of the heartwarming stories I've experienced over the years as Pierce's mom.

Marching To The Beat Of A Different Drum

I was a bit of a rebel in my younger days. I wasn't reckless, but I did have this desire to go against the grain and question authority on occasion. While age has mellowed me, this trait does reappear from time to time. I tend to have a different opinion than most people in the autism community. As more children are diagnosed, even celebrities are affected. They won't hesitate to make their opinions about autism heard in the media. You may think that because we both have children with autism that I share their views. That is not always the case. I do believe that autism is a growing epidemic and research is necessary to determine how it can be prevented. I commend parents and professionals that are dedicating their lives to finding answers. One of the big questions is whether or not vaccines cause autism. The vast majority of the autism community believe quite strongly that they do. Personally, I do not subscribe to this philosophy. I don't fault the people that do, I just didn't see any evidence of vaccines causing Pierce's autism. There was not an obvious difference in him immediately following any of his vaccinations. I have heard the stories of kids having seizures right after a round of vaccines, and I don't doubt them. I just choose not to fight this battle, because it's not our story.

Another way that I'm different from most in this community is the terminology that I use to describe Pierce. Commonly, parents will say that their child has autism. Some even take offense if their child is referred to as autistic. They see it as a label, and that when a person uses the term "autistic" to describe their child, that person is ignoring all of the good qualities and traits the child possesses. I prefer to say that Pierce is autistic. I feel that it is part of who he is as a person. To say he has autism, to me, sounds as if he has something like a cold that he will get over or can take a pill and be cured of. I pray that one day a cure will be discovered, but for now, I don't believe that changing Pierce's diet is going to rewire his brain so that we can have a conversation. There are other symptoms of autism such as digestion problems that casein and gluten free diets can cure, but Pierce has never had any of these symptoms. That would be one reason we've never tried these diets. I guess I just need to see some more convincing statistics of how well diets work to improve communication and social skills; it's just the skeptic in me.

The last way that I'm different from a lot of parents of autistic kids is how I handle knowledge. I remember well the day that we got the autism diagnosis. We were handed a rather large stack of pamphlets and handouts. I have a tendency to be easily overwhelmed anyway, and for me, this was way too much information at once. Well-intentioned people heard of Pierce's diagnosis, and I was flooded with news articles and websites with even more information. I tend to seek information in smaller bites and only when I have a particular issue that I need help with. I do appreciate that people love our family and want to pass on information they think will be helpful. Just know that even if I don't read things right away, I am filing it away to access it at a later date. I know a lot of parents out there never stop searching for news and reading everything they can get their hands on that pertains to autism. While I do have those moments of voracious reading, I just don't have the emotional energy to be constantly seeking answers. Some might think that I'm not trying hard enough as a parent to learn all that I possibly can to help my son. All I can say is that everyone approaches parenting a little differently, and so far, I think we are doing okay.

My point today is that just like all autistic people are different, so are their parents. While we have much in common, we also have our differences. In that respect, we are no different from all other parents. I really hope I haven't offended anyone with my opinions. I also hope that I haven't come across as ungrateful for information that has been passed along to me. I know that all of you love Pierce and our family and we are so blessed by the support you've shown us over the years.