Kids These Days

I love plants and enjoy gardening. Therefore, working in a garden center is my dream job most of the year. The Spring months do make me question my life choices some days, though. Mostly, our customers feel the joy of being surrounded by plants and are optimistic about recreating some of that beauty in their own yards. People of all ages wander about our greenhouse and their experiences run the spectrum from novice to Master Gardener. Young adults that are moving into their first home are eager to make the place their own by creating some curb appeal. Families want to provide a learning experience for their children by planting a vegetable garden. Newly empty nesters are finding time to invest in a hobby and are looking to add to their plant collection. Senior citizens that helped THEIR grandmothers can green beans and tomatoes arrive early in the Spring to find the Bradley tomatoes they’ve been planting for 40 years. Children are in awe, and seasoned gardeners are giddy. Most days, it is fun and gratifying to help customers decide on vegetables they want to try or design flower beds for the front yard. Most people are open to suggestions and excited about the possibilities. Some customers are happy to have fellow plant-lovers that they can “talk shop” with and share the gardening hacks that they’ve discovered along the way. About 99% of our customers arrive happy, and leave just as, if not more so, happy. They are polite and gracious. That other 1%…

Working in retail gives me endless opportunities to practice patience and grace. Occasionally, there are interactions that make me doubt my faith in humanity. These customers walk around with a scowl on their face. They ooze entitlement, and my sole purpose is to serve them. Instead of greeting me, they stand at the entrance of the greenhouse and utter a single word, like “zinnias”. When it’s been one of those days and I’m feeling feisty, I’ll say, “Are you asking me where the zinnias are located? Are you trying to tell me about zinnias? Do you have questions about zinnias?”. I feel like the parent of a 3-year-old. USE YOUR WORDS. These customers will be the first to inform me which plants need to be watered and let me know when a plant’s appearance is sub par. They balk at our prices saying, “I can get those much cheaper at Wal-Mart”. They will walk up to me and say, “Give me two trays of those begonias” without a please or thank you. If I don’t have the answer to their question fast enough, they roll their eyes and give an exasperated sigh; sometimes, I’ve barely gotten a chance to respond before they storm off saying, “NEVER MIND! I’ll find someone who knows!” And heaven help me if we are out of the very plant they drove “all the way out here” for. I’m held personally responsible, because I should’ve anticipated the demand.

I’m about to state an opinion that is extremely unpopular. Just hear me out before you massacre me. When we have difficult customers, 8 times out of 10, they are NOT our younger shoppers. They are the generation of people frequently ranting about how America is doomed because of those damn millennials. The people that yearn for “the good old days” when young people “had manners and showed some respect”. I am NOT saying that this behavior is typical of ALL customers older than me; quite the contrary. The vast majority of my elders are a total delight to interact with. I say all of that to say this: Don’t count the youngsters out. I’m tired of all the criticism the Gen Y-ers and Gen Z-ers are getting. It’s old and it is clichéd. Sure, you have studies and articles supporting your theory that millennials are THE WORST. I’m telling you that MY experience in retail has been that most millennials are friendly, well-mannered, excellent human beings. They want to learn, and they are thankful to us “seasoned” employees that are willing to share their wisdom. I’d like to tell you about some customers I observed recently.

A couple of weekends ago, we had a young family come into the greenhouse. Usually, we hear children coming before we see them. They’re chasing each other through the pottery and plant displays while their parents are focused on their landscape plans. This young couple had two little girls in tow; they looked to be about 4 years old and 2 years old. They rode on the cart, but once the cart became stationary, they got out to wander around. When one strayed a little too far from the parents, the kid was called back. When the kid didn’t respond, dad said, “I’m counting to 3”. He barely made it to 2 before the child ran back to him. The girls were getting a little whiny. I couldn’t blame them. The greenhouse is hot, and plant shopping as a kid is B O R I N G. Mom acknowledged that the girls were tired, so they should probably get going. They stopped to look at one more thing, and the youngest kid encroached on that invisible personal space line her older sister had established. The 4-year-old LOST. IT. Mom and dad exchanged the tired look that silently communicates, “I can’t believe our kids are causing a scene. Everyone in here must hate us right now.”  They turned back to the kids cool, calm, and in control. Mom crouched down and quietly said, “We are not going to do this.” The blood-curdling screams died down, and mom said, “There is no reason to be screaming like this. You’re screaming like someone ripped your arm off. Did someone rip your arm off?” The kid whimpered, “No”. Mom said, “Ok. We are going to walk to the register to pay for our stuff and then we’ll go home. Do you think you can hold it together long enough for us to do that?” The kid answered, “Yes.” Mom and dad walked out of the greenhouse. They stopped in perennials to look at one more plant, and I made my way over to them. I said to the dad, “Since I don’t think parents hear this often enough, I just wanted you to know that I think you are doing an awesome job.” He was kind of sheepish as he replied, “Thank you. Some days it sure doesn’t feel that way.” I said, “Oh I bet. But I think you’ve got this.” He said thank you again, and we went about our day.

Maybe the future isn’t as bleak as it seems. Maybe I just try too hard to put a positive spin on things. Maybe, as a parent, I’m hoping that I’ve raised an adult that’s equipped to face this big bad world while being a beacon of light to everyone she encounters. I refuse to accept that our youngsters are going to be this country’s undoing. I choose to give them the benefit of the doubt. I choose to be hopeful about the future.

Conservatorship

Today, a court decided that it would be in Pierce’s best interest to grant Tim and I conservatorship. This means that from this day forward, we are responsible for making any and all decisions regarding his welfare. It doesn’t really change our current way of life. Pierce has been dependent on us for nearly 21 years. But somehow, hearing a judge say that we were terminating his rights made his future feel determined and permanent. This is a process that we should’ve started three years ago when Pierce turned 18, but we were either daunted by the task or in denial that it actually needed to be done. We haven’t been challenged by many people when we’ve spoken for Pierce, but it has happened, and I can see this will be an issue as he continues to age. This is one more step in the journey to set up care for an adult son with autism. We still need to get the ball rolling on social security benefits, create a special needs trust, and figure out health insurance options. I opened a bank account for Pierce today. I had to show the court documents as proof that I can legally make financial decisions for my adult son. He will have a bank card with his name on it, but the account belongs to me and Tim. The home renovations that we’re planning to start soon will be in two phases. In phase two, we will give Pierce a more private place to live downstairs, in case living in a group home down the road doesn't work out. It will be similar to a mother-in-law suite.

This time last year, I was so mired in the bog of depression, I had no mental energy to be proactive in planning for Pierce’s future or keep track of graduation/college requirements for Reagan’s upcoming senior year. In counseling, I told Tim and my therapist that after 20 years of being the parent that stayed on top of things, knowing everyone’s schedules, what papers needed to be signed, how much money each child owed for clubs, youth activities, etc., I was tapping out. I’d gotten the kids through childhood, now I needed someone else to take over. Tim didn’t hesitate, question, or complain. He just said, “absolutely, yes, I will take the lead.” He took Pierce to get a picture ID (since Pierce doesn’t drive, he still didn’t have a legal form of identification at the age of 20). He researched college application deadlines for financial aid and housing for Reagan. He kept track of her schoolwork and grades and attended parent meetings. He got in touch with a lawyer and completed all of the paperwork that was necessary for us to seek conservatorship. I feel guilty for forcing Tim to take on such a burden, but I’m so grateful he’s been strong enough to carry it. 

It is sobering to have an official declaration that Pierce is not capable of making health or financial decisions for himself, but it’s also reassuring to know that his future is less uncertain than it was a year ago. This takes away a little of that panicky feeling I get when I think about what lies ahead for Pierce, me and Tim, and Reagan. I think we are slowly but surely headed in the right direction.

ABCs Of Dating

Tim and I have been going on weekly date nights for a couple of years. Not a lot of thought goes into these outings. Occasionally we'll decide to try some place new for dinner or check out the latest movie release, but mostly, we're quite boring and predictable. After the "Where do you want to eat?" question is posed by one of us and the other says "I don't know" or "It doesn't matter", we end up at one of our usual favorite eateries: Chuy's, Stout's, Local Taco, or Carrabba's. Then we walk around Target, Barnes and Noble, or TJ Maxx for an hour before hitting up Jeni's for ice cream. These dates are fine, but several months ago, I started feeling like we needed a boost to our repertoire. I wanted more than just okay (Switchfoot reference). Like so many of us women do, I perused Pinterest for ideas. Then, I was reminded of a series of Instagram posts from a couple that we know through church. They had planned their dates around the alphabet. Starting with the letter A, they picked food or restaurants and activities that started with a specific letter. I looked at the calendar and saw that there were about 26 weeks left in 2018. I thought it would be a fun challenge to try and get through the whole alphabet before 2019. I sat down and starting with the letter A, I wrote down every restaurant and activity I could think of for each letter. Then, Google became my friend. Before long, I had lists of possibilities. A few letters like K, Q, X, and Y were going to be tricky, but I was confident that I could come up with something creative.

We started this quest on July 1st, 2018. I posted pictures of our dates along the way on social media, and people really got into it. Friends and coworkers would text me ideas for upcoming date nights. I did most of the planning, but sometimes Tim and I would have to work together and think outside of the box to find appropriate items for the more complicated letters. We completed the Z date night on December 31st 2018/January 1st 2019. Due to popular demand, I have compiled all 27 date nights here. This was super fun, but it was not cheap. If I were to do it over again, I'd tackle one letter every month to save money. There are certainly cheaper alternatives to some of the outings we chose, so this can be done on a budget. Since this post would be huge if I added all of my pictures and summaries of each date night, I've included a link to the relevant Instagram post with each letter. You can also search #abcsofdating on Instagram to find all of these posts, as well as posts from the Duers (our inspiration for this adventure) and a few people I don't know. So without further ado, here are The ABCs of Dating!

A
Acme Feed and Seed (dinner)
Arboretum (activity)
Apple Dumplin' (dessert)
Adele (driving tunes)
A Date Night

B
Beach
B-52's, Bruno Mars, Beyoncé, Barenaked Ladies (driving tunes) 
I didn't give much of a summary on Instagram this time. Tim and I went to Miramar Beach for a few days.
B Date Night

C
Coco's Italian Market (dinner)
Costco (activity?)
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (activity)
Chocolate chip cookies and "cow juice" (dessert)
C Date Night

D
Daddy's Dogs (dinner)
Drum Corp show (activity)
Dairy Queen (dessert)
Dave Matthews (driving tunes)
D Date Night

E
Etch (dinner)
Entertainment (Dave Barnes at the Ryman)
Empanadas, caramel apple (dessert)
Ed Sheeran (driving tunes)
E Date Night

F
Five Guys
Fair
Fried Oreos
Foo Fighters
F Date Night

G
Gray and Dudley (dinner)
Grand Ole Opry (activity)
Gelato (dessert)
Genesis, George Michael, Grace Potter, Gwen Stefani (driving tunes) 
G Date Night

H
House of Cards (dinner and activity)
Hot fudge sundaes (dessert)
Harry Connick, Jr. and Hootie and the Blowfish (driving tunes)
H Date Night

I
Inglewood restaurant (Fort Louise)
Inked (activity)
Ice cream
I Date Night

J
Jet's Pizza (dinner)
Jessica Biel (The Sinner on Netflix)
Jeni's Ice Cream (dessert)
J Date Night

K
"Kute Kritters" (otter encounter at North Georgia Zoo. Tim had to stretch to make this fit under K)
Krispy Kreme
K Date Night

L
Love (Wedding) 
Love song playlist
L Date Night

M
Martin's Bar-b-Que (dinner)
McKay's Used Books (activity)
Milkshakes (dessert)
Maroon 5 (driving tunes)
M Date Night

N
Nada (dinner)
Netflix (activity)
No Doubt (driving tunes)
N Date Night

O
Little Octopus (dinner)
0s (dessert: Fox's Donut Den)
October (donut and hot cocoa outside by the fire pit)
O Date Night

P
Peter's Sushi and Thai (dinner)
Pumpkin carving (activity)
Pumpkin dump cake (dessert)
Paramore (tunes)
P Date Night

Q
Qdoba (dinner)
Queen movie (activity: Bohemian Rhapsody)
Quinoa black rice dark chocolate (dessert? GROSS)
Queen (driving tunes)
Q Date Night

R
RH Café (dinner)
Restoration Hardware (activity)
Reese's (dessert)
Red Hot Chili Peppers (driving tunes)
R Date Night

S
Silo (Sunday brunch)
Stroll
State Museum (activity)
St. Paul and the Broken Bones (driving tunes)
S Date Night

T
Tuesday Trivia Night (dinner and activity)
T Date Night

U
Urban Grub (brunch)
Urbanites (activity: walked around East Nashville)
Urban Outfitters 
U2 (driving tunes)
U Date Night

V
Vittles (lunch)
Vacation planning (activity)
V Date Night

W
Wedding anniversary
Weekend getaway
Winter in Miami
Wynwood Walls
W Date Night

X
X-mas party (dinner, activity, dessert)
X Date Night

Y
Yat's (dinner)
Yazoo Brewery (activity)
Y Date Night

Z
Zaxby's (dinner)
Zinfandel and card games (activity)
Zero (countdown to 2019)
Z Date Night

The question I've been getting now is, what's next? We're already entering the 3rd month of 2019 and I have yet to come up with a plan. I am open to any suggestions. I do know that I'd like to keep things relatively low-cost. We have some big plans for 2019 (major home renovation, an extensive family vacation for Reagan's senior trip, and college...HAVE. MERCY.) that will all be pretty pricey, so I'd like to save where I can. I'm thinking maybe one dinner a month on the nicer side instead of every week as we have been doing. So, cheap dates...whatcha got?

Impossible Year

Hello, it's me. I haven't written on here lately. It's been 4 months since I stepped back from Facebook, and honestly, I haven't missed it. I've been able to keep up with some of you on Instagram, but I don't spend a whole lot of time there, either. I've given you the highlights on Facebook; about 2-3 posts a month. I thought I'd tell you a little more about what I've been up to and try to give a summary of this impossible year.

ICYMI, I did a mental face-plant at the beginning of April, which resulted in months of counseling and a cocktail of meds for depression. I am in a much better place, but there are still some challenges, and the hardest months are yet to come. As I've shared numerous times, Winter is not at all good to me. As an extra boost, I purchased a blue-light therapy box. I use this every morning for about an hour, and on gloomy days, I bring it to work and sit in front of it during my 30-minute lunch break. I believe it has made a difference, but this could just be a placebo effect.

Work has been...complicated. Around the same time I was falling apart mentally, there was a drama playing out in the greenhouse. The job that I loved was becoming a place that I dreaded being every day. I realize that I've been pretty vague about the details, and unfortunately, I still don't think I can clarify anything. All I can say is that the drama has dissipated, and the working environment has become mostly pleasant once again. There have been significant changes this year that have both terrified and validated me. I've put in more hours than I have any year prior, and it looks like that trend will continue. I normally drop down to one day a week in January and February, but in 2019, I will be working 4 days a week during the winter.

Goodbye, greenhouse, until next Spring

Tim is watching his company (Bootstrap Architecture and Construction) grow by leaps and bounds. I know a lot of y'all are ready to build a wall around Nashville to keep our city from becoming even more overpopulated than it already is, but more people moving here has worked out pretty good for us. I try to keep this in mind when I'm fighting traffic during my 45 minute commute to and from work every day. 2019 will mark 10 years since Tim's job was downsized and he went out on his own. I certainly didn't see him co-owning such a successful business that scary winter day in January 2009.

 

The kids are great. Reagan is in her senior year of high school, and thankfully it's been a MUCH easier year (on ALL of us) than junior year. She hasn't decided on her post-graduation plans, and she's pretty stressed about this being the topic of every conversation she has with an adult. She wants to study film production, but hasn't decided whether she wants to do a year or two at community college first, or enroll in a 4-year program next Fall. If she goes to an out-of-town school, she doesn't want to go more than 2-3 hours away. Pierce continues to learn valuable life skills in the Transition Program at Brentwood High. He is bussed from school to a job at Hampton Inn 3 days a week for a 4-hour shift. We are slowly getting our brains around all of the legal details of parenting an adult with autism. We've dropped the ball a couple of times, but we are still working towards conservatorship.

Tim and I have kept up a weekly date night schedule. To shake us out of our usual routine of dinner at one of our three favorite dinner spots, walking around Barnes and Noble for an hour, Jeni's Ice Cream, and then home, I was inspired to plan our date nights around the alphabet. I started this during the summer and we're already up to Z. I'll write another post when we've marked that one off the list and give you the run-down of our ABCs Of Dating. We didn't take a family vacation this year. Instead, we spent a week together at Otter Creek Christian Camp. Oh that every Sunday could be like worship at camp. Tim and I have taken a couple of long weekend trips down south. In July, we went to Miramar Beach, where we just laid on the beach reading and doing hardly anything. Just a couple weeks ago, we celebrated our 25th anniversary with a trip to Miami. We had a FABULOUS time. There's so much to do and see. I'm going to start playing the lottery so I can have a winter home down there.

Otter Creek Christian Camp 2018

So besides work, what have I been up to? Well, I've been reading A LOT. I figured out how to listen to audiobooks through our library. During the slow months in summer and late fall, I can listen to books while I'm working and on my commute. In 2018, I read 140 books. Some of you book nerds out there have differing standards of what qualifies as a book. I have counted audiobooks and graphic novels, because it's MY reading list. Y'all don't have to like it.

Not sure why one count says 139 and another says 140...

Reading so many books has turned that little writing itch of mine into a full-body rash that is desperate to be scratched. For the last 7 weeks, I have been getting up at 5AM to write before I leave for work. If you had told me a year ago that I'd be looking forward to getting up at the butt-crack of dawn every day, I'd have laughed in your face. Never in all my life have I wanted to get up so early; not for ANY reason. What am I writing, you may ask? All of the emotions and experiences I've been storing in my brain for the last 44 years, while I can still remember them. What will I do with all this writing? I don't know. It's very likely that the vast majority of my words will never see the light of day. I don't know that I'll ever be able to subject the outpouring of my soul to public critique. Now that I've shared with all of you that I'm writing, please don't ask me to read any of it to you. If you're meant to see what I've written, you will, but only when I'm good and ready to share it.

I am so thankful for the support I've received this year from family and friends. Without you, I wouldn't be here writing this year-in-review blog post. I very seriously mean it. I wish you all great physical and mental health in 2019.

This Isn't Goodbye

A friend shared a post recently that inspired her to quit Facebook. Never have I read more compelling reasoning. I've shared the screenshot that I took; I have no knowledge about the origin of this post.   

Ten years ago, Facebook seemed to be an awesome way for us introverts to converse and reconnect without having to be in the same room with so many people at once. But you know what? Even though their bodies aren't in my space, their voices are. These voices are daily telling me what kind of person I should be. They tell me to get angry about this, be sad about that, give money to or care about this cause, vote for that person (you're an idiot if you don't), try this weight loss/facial care/kitchen/craft product, what TV shows I SHOULD NOT miss, copy and paste if you REALLY love Jesus/military/spouse/son or daughter/mom or dad, what celebrity/store/product we should boycott, mommy guilt for all the things I'm not doing or should be doing better as a parent. For the last couple of years, I've slowly become more detached from real life communion with friends, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. I thought I could cope by staying in touch virtually with the people I used to spend time with in person. I so desperately miss the belly-laughs with friends and heartfelt discussions. How about instead of posting something on each other's timelines or laughing together over some funny YouTube video, we hang out face to face? The older I get, the harder it is for me to stay in personal contact with people I don't see on a daily basis. I want, I NEED more meaningful friendships than the casual Facebook variety.  

Since my diagnosis of depression, I've learned just how limited my energy is, and that I need to use the little I have stored up more wisely. As I've said before, I've been spending less and less time on Facebook, even though I continue to post. I've turned off notifications on my phone, but I check my likes and comments a few times a day, only spending a total of 10-15 minutes scrolling through my newsfeed. I've already managed to use the time that I would've wasted on my phone or computer to read...24 books so far in 2018. So many people tell me how much they appreciate my posts, and that they like to check in on the progress of my recovery. I've felt that I had a responsibility to speak out about mental illness and help remove the stigma that is attached to depression. However, I'm not sure Facebook is the best way to continue doing this. Most therapists will tell you that if you're battling depression, anxiety, or other mental illness, spending time on Facebook or other social media platforms are not healthy. I'm learning in therapy that to put an end to the unnecessary obligation I feel and the self deprecating inner dialogue, I need to stop saying, "I should be doing...". I'm tired of trying to please others and live up to their expectations. I've decided I will begin phasing out my time on Facebook. I will still be posting on Instagram, so I hope you'll follow me here. I intend to save up all those happy or silly little posts that would've gone on Facebook and instead make an effort to write them up in somewhat regular blog posts. 

I love that y'all love the things I say and pictures I share. A small part of me has continued to post on Facebook to receive validation that I'm the funny, positive, inspiring person that I think I can be at times. It'll be difficult not to seek the praise of others, but I'm looking forward to finding better uses of my energy and time. If ever you want to get together for some face-time instead of screen-time, hit me up! 

Summer Solstice

Spring is over, and I am not sorry to see it go. By all accounts, it was the weirdest, most difficult Spring in years. But Summer is shaping up to be so much better.

A third antidepressant was added to the mix, so these days, I’m feeling almost like the me I used to be. I have more energy and desire to get stuff done in the yard. I’m also able to let go of most of the guilt I feel about not being productive on my days off. Instead, I’m allowing myself some grace to rest and relax. The craziness of the Spring season at Bates is over. At the same time I was put on an additional medication, the source of a significant amount of conflict and stress at work was identified and terminated. This does mean that I'll be working more hours during summer and winter than I usually do, but I'm ok with it. After all, we will have a kid in college soon. YIKES.  Now that the drama is over, I’m once again excited about my job, and I look forward to being there every day. I've also been able to rearrange my schedule so that I have Mondays off. For the 7 months or so that the nursery is closed on Sundays, I get two consecutive days off. I can not tell you how wonderful this has been for me. I actually go back to work on Tuesdays feeling rested, as opposed to barely recovered from my day off Sunday, work all day Monday, try to recover again on Tuesday, then work 4 more days.

Susan Pneuman is walking alongside Tim and I to find resources that will help us as we parent an adult with autism. She is the new director of Otter Creek’s special needs ministry. It is SO difficult for me to ask for help. Fortunately, Susan saw my posts about Pierce on social media and reached out to me. She’s spent some time with Pierce, and because I find it such a daunting and mentally exhausting task, she’s investigating potential services and helping us decide which ones are best for him. I can’t possibly thank her enough. 

Weekly counseling sessions are ongoing. Apparently, I still have a lot more unpacking to do. My therapist tells me I should write a book, but she probably says that to all of her patients. I’m spending less and less time on social media. I so appreciate everyone’s concern, prayers, and encouragement. I know some of you are following me closely, hoping for positive updates, so I continue to post things on Facebook, Instagram, and (occasionally) Twitter. Though Twitter so quickly sends me into a rage spiral, due to the fact that it’s such an out of control dumpster fire, so I’m barely on it. I check  likes and comments on my Facebook and Instagram posts, but I don’t hang out on the newsfeed for more than a few minutes. I’ve turned off notifications on my phone; with my phone constantly lighting up, it was one more thing draining my mental energy. Instead, I’m spending more time reading and listening to music. 

Several months ago, Tim and I decided that we would go back to Otter Creek Christian Camp this summer as staff (Pierce, too). When I was at my worst, I started thinking about how fun but completely exhausting camp can be, and I considered backing out. Tim convinced me not to make any rash decisions with the state-of-mind I was in. I'd been dreading this all Spring, but now, I'm a little excited and looking forward to being at camp. Pierce and I will be working the canteen, while Tim will be supervising games and water activities. This will be Reagan's final year as a camper, and I know it's going to be an emotional rollercoaster, but I think I'm better equipped to handle it than I was a few months ago. Church continues to be a struggle for me. I haven't been in weeks. Part of that was me needing the rest on Sunday mornings before working in the afternoons. With Bates closed on Sundays until mid September, I'm hoping to return to Sunday morning services soon.

Progress has been frustratingly slow and difficult, but I'm in such a better place than I was a couple months ago. I'm hopeful about the future, and that's something I haven't been able to say in a very long time. I'll just keep inching my way towards recovery.  

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I've decided that it's time to share a little about what's happening in my world right now. I've been transparent in the past about my battles with depression. I've been more reserved lately, because I just haven't had the energy to discuss my current situation. But since I know that our secrets keep us sick and that there's power in voicing those things that keep us shackled, I'm finally writing this down and making myself vulnerable again.

To give the Reader's Digest summary for those that haven't read my posts in the past about my history, I've struggled with depression since my teens. I have a very strong family history, with two suicides on my mother's side. My third diagnosed depression occurred in 2003. I was told then that I may need to be on medication indefinitely. However, in 2015, I noticed that I was forgetting to take my meds some days, even though I was feeling better than I'd ever felt. I decided maybe I'd try to live life Prozac-free.

Last year was really difficult for me. Pierce's graduation from high school was totally overwhelming as we now have to figure out how to parent an adult with autism. Reagan's junior year has been challenging for ALL of us. Then, winter hit. It was one of the most cold, gray, and wet ones in recent history. Winter has always been tough for me, even when I was on meds. I look forward to Spring every year; as the plants and animals awaken, so do I. Only this year, the awakening didn't come.

I had no interest in attending the Nashville Lawn and Garden show. This is, for me, a highly anticipated event. I missed it for the first time in about 12 years. The things that used to bring me such joy (singing, gardening, dance workouts, church) became laborious.  I was crying every day, but since my job is in retail, I crammed all that sadness down as deep as I could and put on the happy customer-friendly face. I thought that Spring should be bringing me all the happiness that winter sucked away from me, but it wasn't happening, and to me, that meant that I was broken. When I started thinking that I would be in a better place if I just didn't wake up tomorrow, or imagining dying in a car crash and feeling relieved that my pain would be over, I knew it was time to tell Tim that this was more serious than just "winter blues".

I don't have a happy end to this story yet. I'm back on medication, this time for life. It's a higher dose than I was on before. The crying has stopped, but the sadness is still there; I feel kinda numb and unable to express my feelings. I think the higher dose is also interfering with my sleep. It may need some tweaking. Spring in the garden center is BONKERS, and this Spring has just been all around harder than previous ones (depression aside), for various reasons. At the end of my day, I have nothing left in the tank for anyone or anything. I've been going to bed around 9 every night. Instead of a restful day off, I'm attending counseling every week. It's emotionally draining. There's A LOT of junk to unpack. Tim has been incredibly supportive, taking time out of his busy work schedule to accompany me on appointments.

Much like a high-functioning alcoholic, I consider myself pretty good at wearing the mask of normalcy. Many of you may have seen smiling pictures of me over the last few months and never knew anything was amiss. Like the picture above of me wearing a wig at a birthday party. Yep, I'd cried that day, and didn't feel at all like going to a party. But I did. I'd remind you that Robin Williams had such an incredible gift of making people laugh, but inside was a tortured soul that ultimately put his suffering to an end. Not that I'm comparing myself to the genius that was Robin Williams, but you catch my drift. Be gentle with me. Patient with me. My faith is shaken and I'm quite fragile, even if I seem to be handling things well. And most days, I don't want to talk about it. I'm working hard to get better. I thank God for the positive people in my life right now who are constantly whispering, "You're going to be okay" when I'm incapable of believing that myself. Please don't suffer in silence. Call your doctor or the suicide prevention hotline for help (1-800-273-8255).