It's The Little Things

Yes, it has been a long time since my last post. One of these days, I'm going to get back into the habit of regular blogging. Aywho, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Last year, I posted a list of things I'm thankful for. I'd like to do that again this year, but with a twist. Since my list of serious blessings from last year still apply, I would just be repeating what's already been said. So instead, I'd like to list those minor, more trivial things in my life that bring me joy. By the way, I was inspired after I heard a DJ on the morning show I listen to ask his listeners to call in with their "silly blessings".

1. My sense of humor. In my humble opinion, I think I have a pretty good one. My husband's sense of humor is very similar to mine, so sometimes, all it takes is repeating some random TV or movie quote to crack us both up. Let's face it; to survive parenting (especially parenting an autistic child) you've got to be able to laugh in many situations.

2. Coffee. Do I really need to explain this one? I especially love the Starbucks Caramel Macchiato that my husband brings me every Saturday morning (when I'm in town, that is).

3. iTunes. I used to fantasize as a kid, when I recorded my mix tapes from the radio, that one day, I would have the infinite tape on which I could record the mix tape that would never end. iTunes gets pretty close to my childhood dream. I currently have 5,334 songs in iTunes, with 51 different playlists. I can put hundreds of songs in one list! My love of music leads me to the next item on my list...

4. The Bargain Bin at McKay's Used Books. Yes, they have books, which I love, but my favorite thing is the CDs you can find in their Bargain Bin. They get so many CDs, that they can't take the time to buff out the really scratched up ones. These go into the Bargain Bin. I've found CDs here anywhere from 92 cents to a nickel! Then, I take my finds to another CD trade store down the road where they will buff the scratches out for $1 a piece. You have to be a little picky. There are obviously some CDs that are beyond repair. But, I've found some great stuff. Like the Sleepless In Seattle Soundtrack for 5 cents! Harry Connick, Jr. CDs for 19 cents! When I'm done with them, I can trade them in for another pile. I'm getting music practically for free!

5. Netflix. I pay a little money each month, and I can catch up on entire series that I missed out on the first time around, such as Lost. I also get a huge library of movies, right at my fingertips.

6. Clean sheets. I love crawling into bed when my 400 thread count sheets have been freshly washed.

7. Long, hot showers. 'Nuff said.

8. Babysitting co-op. About once a month, we get free babysitting when we send our kids to a friends house. We reciprocate by keeping their kids on a different night. Our kids all like to play together, so it's a win-win for everyone!

9. Facebook. Such an easy and fun way to reconnect with old friends and get to know new ones better.

10. My irises and daffodils. I have a few thousand of both. They never let me down, and they are the most dependable plants I have. They just want to be divided every few years, but other than that, they are happy as clams. The best part? They were FREE, planted by the previous owner!

So, these were the first 10 things that popped into my head within about an hour's time. I know in the past I've mentioned posts that I would like to continue. It would be fun to keep this "silly blessings" thing up, but I obviously can't make any promises. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

In The Hot Seat

As I've probably said before, I sing with a fabulous group of ladies called the Metro Nashville Chorus. I've become rather involved: Not only am I in the chorus, but I'm also in a quartet, I'm on the music team, and I'm on the management team as the Membership Coordinator. As Membership Coordinator, I decided a fun way to get to know each other and get closer as a group was to do short, 5-minute long interviews at the end of rehearsals. I call these interviews "The Hot Seat". I usually start out with a couple of questions, then other chorus members chime in with their own burning questions. I record these interviews on my iPhone, and then type up the transcript for the member-only portion of the chorus website. Recently, I decided that it was time that I put myself in "The Hot Seat". There probably aren't any shocking revelations here, but I thought I'd share the interview with my Melmac readers. It also happens to be a quick and easy solution for a blog post. ;)

Q: Alrighty! Tonight, I am interviewing myself! So, first question: How long have you been in Nashville?

A: (Jumping over to sit on the stump) I've been in Nashville since '96, so that makes it 15 years.

Q: (JENNIFER PALUS) Where were you born?

A: Where was I born? I was born...I would do a Steve Martin bit, but I don't think everyone would get it. ("I was born a poor black child...") I was born in south Georgia, in Valdosta. And I only lived there for a couple of years and then moved to South Carolina. (BRIDGET WIETLISBACH: Military family?) No, no. So, raised in South Carolina.

Q: (DEBORAH MILLER) How did you find out about MNC?

A: That is a really, interesting, roundabout question. My husband actually worked with Michelle for a time, and in passing, Michelle had talked about chorus. I don't remember this, but Tim swears that he came home and said, "Hey, Michelle sings in this chorus, and I know you love to sing. Maybe you might want to do that sometime.". I really don't remember it. So, fast forward a couple of years later. Rachel is working at my kids' school. (RACHEL: Was) Well, at that time, was. And her assistant, or a substitute that was helping her at the time was Valerie McKnight, who went to church with me. Rachel got Valerie interested, and Valerie talked to me and said, "Oh, wouldn't this be cool if we both did this together?!". So, she dragged me here, and I'm still here, and Valerie is not. That was 2 years ago, so I've been here 2 years.

Q: (JENNIFER PALUS) What's your favorite non-barbershop song? Or kind of music?

A: Oh my. I am a rocker chick. (Like head-banging?) Not quite the head-banger; well, I like the hair bands from the 80's. That's probably as head-banging as I get. I'm a HUGE John Mayer fan. But, I have a vast array of music on my iPod, from Beethoven to Winger.

Q: (LAURA HAMMONS) You have music in your family, right?

A: Yes! My dad was a rebellious rocker back in the day, and was a drummer for a little rock band, garage band. (JENNIFER: And they were called The Who) Ha! Unfortunately, no. And my grandmother gave piano lessons, so it was kind of in the family.

Q: (CYNDI SPINDEN) Do you have a hobby other than singing?

A: I do! I love to scrapbook, though I haven't done it in a while. And I love to garden, and I haven't done that in a while, because 100 degree temperatures did not really tempt me to go outside and work. So, if you come to my house right now, my yard is a complete mess. (BRIDGET: But the inside of her house is beautiful!) Haha! Getting there, it's getting there.

Q: (KAT GREENE) Do you have any pets?

A: I have a very psychotic dog, that you've probably all heard about at some point; Satan, I mean, Midnight. And we have 2 cats. One that I rescued from the back yard last year just as an itty-bitty 5 day old kitten, abandoned by it's mother. (DENICE FRENCH: She fed it until the milk came out of it's eyes!)

Q: (GENA SALDANA) Best karaoke song?

A: Believe it or not, I have NEVER done karaoke (EVERYONE GASPS!!!) I've done Rock Band in someone's living room, but I've never gone out to a public karaoke bar.

Q: (GENA SALDANA) Sports? Are you into any kind of sports?

A: I am not a sports fan AT ALL. I don't get football. I will watch it with my husband if I have to; hockey, totally don't get. No. No. No sports.

Q: (JENNIFER PALUS) Are you a reader?A: Sometimes. (JENNIFER: What kind of books do you like to read?) Christian fiction. Harry Potter; love all of the Harry Potter books.

Q: (JENNIFER PALUS) Are you a writer?

A: I blog! Its www.musings-from-melmac.blogspot.com (JENNIFER: So you were born in a "blog cabin"?) Ah, yes. A blog cabin.

Alrighty! I think that's all I have for myself!

I hope to do a post in the near future about my experiences in chorus. (I'm playing with a title: "My Life In Sequins".) If you are of the female persuasion and love to sing, I encourage you to come check us out. You don't know what you're missing!

The Day The Earth Stood Still: Part 3

The prayer service started at 6:30. It would be short; the president would be addressing the nation at 7pm (central). I stayed in the nursery with Pierce and Reagan, because neither of them were in the mood to sit quietly. I could watch the service on a monitor. At seven, the men in the control room tried to get the president's address to come up on the big screens in the auditorium. It took a minute or two. I changed channels on the nursery monitor until I found it. It was so moving. I cried at this reference to the 23rd Psalm.

On the way home, it was strange to look up and see nothing but stars. No moving lights, not a single plane in the sky. We got home and put the kids to bed. Of course, Tim and I sat in front of the television for the rest of the evening. We were stunned to see the brilliant fire lighting up the NY skyline. There wasn't a lot of new information. Osama Bin Laden and his Al Qaeda terrorist group (based in Afghanistan) were the main suspects. It was too early to say for certain that he was responsible. Earlier in the day, there were reports of gun fire in Afghanistan, but the US denied having anything to do with it. It was too soon to declare war on them. Mostly, the images on TV were those I had seen all day. The plane slamming into the building, the buildings collapsing, people running for their lives, the Pentagon on fire, NYC covered in snow-like ash. It was surreal.

I felt such sorrow and heartbreak. I also had the unsettling feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I knew it wasn't over. As terrible as that day was, each day after was worse. The personal stories were coming out. The widows, the widowers, the orphaned children. About 400 firefighters were missing. Every reporter on the street was surrounded by people holding up pictures of their missing loved ones. There were answering machine messages left by people trapped in the WTC or passengers on the hijacked flights. I told Tim that if he had been in that situation, I wouldn't have wanted him to call me. I wouldn't want those final words to play over and over again in my head for the rest of my life. But, that's just me. Maybe people were comforted by hearing goodbyes from the people they loved. There was news that some of the passengers on Flight 93 (the one that crashed in Pennsylvania) knew they were supposed to become a weapon. They attacked the terrorists before the plane could reach its target. The pilot had already been killed, so these people knew that the plane would crash and they were going to die. The sadness was crushing. I wondered if I would ever stop crying. The president declared September 14th a National Day of Prayer. That day was also my 27th birthday. I watched the prayer service at the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C., overwhelmed with a mixture of grief and love for our country. Tim and I got a sitter that night so we could go out for my birthday, but we certainly didn't feel like celebrating. I don't even remember what we did.

There were hero stories that made me cry, too. Like the two men that carried a woman in her wheelchair down 86 floors of the World Trade Center. Two women that ran a daycare close to the WTC raced across town to safety on foot carrying 10 young children. Lines were 3 to 6 hours long for people donating blood. Everyone felt so patriotic. God and prayer were mentioned on national television by people who would usually do their best to avoid the subjects. I remember looking out of the car window four days after the attack and thinking how beautiful the scenery was and how blessed my family was to live in this country.

I could write so much more. But, I don't think I could say anything that isn't written in the memorabilia I've saved. Previous generations remember just what they were doing when Pearl Harbor was bombed, JFK was assassinated, or the space shuttle Challenger blew up. I know I'll never forget 9/11. I hope no one does.

The Day The Earth Stood Still: Part 2

Eyewitnesses were being interviewed one after another. The second plane was crashing into the tower over and over again. One thing I noticed was how blue the sky was. It was such a beautiful day in New York City. The black smoke just didn't belong in the picture. Finally, at 9:30 (central), I scooped up Reagan and ran to the car. I didn't want to miss anything. I cranked up the car and turned the station to 99.7 just in time to hear that tower #1 had just collapsed. There was a moment of silence, then Peter Jennings said only, "Good Lord". Chills raced down my spine. I felt compelled to see it for myself. I threw the car in park, grabbed Reagan and ran back inside. As I turned on the TV, the tower was collapsing again in a replay. The TV anchors searched for words. The World Trade Center, two of the tallest buildings in the world, was nothing but ash. I had to get to church.

On the way, I listened to a blur of witnesses. Then, as I got close to church, more breaking news. There were reports of a plane crash in Pennsylvania. It was now speculated that these planes had been hijacked. It seemed so odd that this plane had crashed in an empty field. Why hadn't they tried to hit something on the ground?

When I arrived at church, people were walking around like zombies. Several were crying. We exchanged stories: how we heard the news, how we reacted. I left Reagan in the nursery and walked down the hall to class with my friend, Kathy. There was a few minutes of complete panic when her phone rang, and she got a report that Camp David had been hit. I wouldn't find out until I got home later that this information was false. I remembered my cell phone in the car. What if the schools were cancelled and I needed to pick Pierce up early? I ran back to get it.

About 15 of us gathered. A couple of women spoke and read Bible passages, a couple prayed. We all cried. Then to end the class, we stood in a circle holding hands and each took a turn praying. I was so glad I went. I felt some peace.

My mind was filled with questions as I went to pick Pierce up from school. Would the teachers know? How much would they know? Would they ask me what I knew? I sat outside the school and composed myself. Pierce's teachers brought his class outside. They acted as if nothing was different. They didn't want the kids to get upset. On the ride home, Pierce chattered away, blissfully unaware.

As soon as I got home, I turned on the TV. Pierce was oblivious to what was happening. Each station speculated how many people had been killed. I had already prepared myself to hear about 10,000. It was too early to tell. Information was scrolling across the bottom of the screen. Malls were closed, churches all over Nashville were announcing prayer services. Tim worked downtown. There was a building a few blocks away from his office that had been evacuated because of a bomb threat. This happened to many buildings around town that day. For the first time all day, I put my head in my hands and cried. Tim called, but we didn't know what to say to each other. I put the kids down for naps, then went back to the TV. They were asking for blood donors. My blood is O+, and I knew it would be in demand. I called my friend, Tammy, from Ladies Class. She was an OB nurse, and I wanted to know how soon after having a baby I could donate blood. I got her machine, so I called the Red Cross. They told me one could give blood six weeks after giving birth. Reagan was 7-months-old. Tammy called later to answer my question. She wasn't worried about a lack of blood, she was more concerned that the blood wouldn't be needed. Very few were coming in injured, which meant the death toll would be big. She asked if I'd heard about our church's prayer service. I had seen it on TV. I called Tim to tell him I wanted us to go.

I had dinner warmed up when Tim got home. Reagan was napping and Pierce was at the table. We went to the living room. Tim saw the pictures for the first time. The WTC and the Pentagon continued to burn. A third building, tower #7, had collapsed at about 4:30. We watched the plane hit over and over. No matter how many times I saw it, the fireball and then the collapses, I was horrified. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. We clasped hands and cried. We ate in front of the TV. Tim blessed the food and thanked God for keeping us all safe. He said that one of his first impulses had been to go get Pierce from school, but he had decided Pierce would be safe there. We didn't have much time to talk. We gobbled down dinner and got the kids ready for church.

The Day The Earth Stood Still: Part 1

As I get older, it is unbelievable to me how very fast time goes by. In just a few short days, the world will acknowledge the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. Even though I was not directly affected by the events of that day, I find myself resisting the process of remembering. All of the stories, pictures and videos from that day and where the survivors are now strike a nerve in me that is still so raw, even after all of these years. The events took place during a time that I was dealing with some post-partem depression, and it's a place I don't like to visit. However, I believe strongly in archiving the family history. This is my generation's Pearl Harbor or JFK assassination. So, for my future generations, I wrote down the details of that day in the way it related to me and my family. I did this about 2 months after the attacks. In fact, I wrote it the day another plane crashed in New York in November 2001. It's a fairly long account, so I'm bringing it to you in three parts. I realize everyone is being reflective right now, so this is just one of millions of stories that are being told on such a significant anniversary. This story isn't special or unique; it's just mine.

November 12, 2001

Today, there was a plane crash in Queens, NY. No one knows right now if it was an accident or an act of terrorism. When I walked into the living room at 8:40 (central) this morning and saw the breaking news report, my heart sank. Black smoke billowed up from the ground and immediately I thought, "Please, God, not again!". I said a quick prayer and thought about the day two months ago when the world was changed forever. I have articles describing the historic events of that day, but I want to give my own account.

September 11, 2001. The day started like any other. I woke up around 7am. I really try to give my day to God, but when I first wake up, I start to think about everything that has to be done and get sidetracked. This day was different. Before getting out of bed, I thanked God for the day, and asked for protection for every member of my family. Then, I woke Pierce up and got him dressed for pre-school. I kissed Tim and Pierce goodbye, then got 7-month-old Reagan up and fed. Today was Tuesday; Ladies Bible Class day. I needed to shower and dress, but I decided to take the time to have some coffee and watch The Today Show on NBC. I think it was about 7:50 (central), and one of the Kennedys was being interviewed (I think it was Edward). I really wasn't interested in the interview, so I turned it to Fox. A cartoon was on, so I turned it to CBS. The top of the screen said, "BREAKING NEWS" and there was black smoke pouring out of a tall building. Bryant Gumble said that witnesses had reported a plane crashing into tower #1 of the World Trade Center. I was panicked! Preferring NBC, I kept turning it back there to see what they were saying. They were showing commercials. I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't be showing this. Finally, at 8 (central), Matt Lauer told of breaking news at the World Trade Center. They talked to a doorman at the Marriot Hotel, which was between towers #1 and #2. He said it looked like a small charter plane had hit the tower. Debris was falling and people were running. I just couldn't believe what a horrible accident this was! How could a pilot not see the WTC? It was 110 stories high! Katie Couric was talking to an NBC producer who called in from her cell phone at about 8:05. Suddenly, she screamed and said, "Oh my God, another one just hit!". A huge fireball rose from the second tower. I could hear Al Roker and others off camera gasp. The producer yelled into her cell phone, "Did you see that?!" Katie answered yes. My feet were frozen and my knees were locked. My brain couldn't process what I was seeing. I screamed over and over, "Oh my God, my God!". My next thought was, "This is it! The world is ending!". The Today Show anchors were at a loss for words. I decided to call my mother. I knew she couldn't do anything, but I just needed to hear her voice. She sounded groggy. I asked, "Are you watching this?". She said she was still in bed. I told her to turn on the TV. The WTC had just been hit by two small airplanes. She got the TV on just as NBC began to replay the second plane hitting. It took me a moment to realize that it was a replay and not a third plane hitting the towers. I tried to fill her in on what I knew, and the thought suddenly hit me: THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT. We both watched, stunned, she in SC and me in TN. After a few minutes, we hung up, hoping nothing worse would happen.

Ladies class! My first impulse was to stay home and watch the news coverage. Then, I knew that now more than ever, we needed to be together praying for our country. I tried to pull myself away from the TV. Katie Couric kept saying it was possible this wasn't an accident, but an act of terrorism. I yelled back, "Of course this is terrorism! Don't you see that?!". I finally carried the radio into our bathroom and turned it to 99.7 talk radio so I could get a shower. The station was airing ABC's live coverage. Peter Jennings was covering the story. A couple of minutes after I got in the shower, president George W. Bush made his first public statements. He was in Florida talking to second graders when everything began. He gave a brief synopsis of events. Then, he said that we would "hunt down the folks who committed this act". I felt reassured. A minute or two after he spoke, Peter Jennings said he had more breaking news. There were reports of smoke coming from the Pentagon. Once again, I panicked. This couldn't be happening! Sure enough, the Pentagon had also been hit by an airplane. For the first time ever, the FAA ordered all planes in the air to land at the closest airport. Then, US airports were to close indefinitely. By now, we knew that the planes that crashed were Boeings: 757s and 767s. Big planes. They just looked small beside the enormous World Trade Center.

I hurried out of the shower and ran back to the TV. Once again, I needed to hear a familiar voice. I knew Tim was in a meeting, but I called him on his cell phone. He was getting pretty sketchy details from phone calls to the other men in the meeting. I told him the Pentagon had been hit and that all US airports had been closed. He couldn't talk long, so we exchanged "I love you"s and hung up. I ran to get dressed and put on my makeup. I was in the living room getting things together for Ladies Class. It was about 9am (central). Someone was being interviewed on NBC. Matt Lauer interrupted and said, "Can we roll the tape back a little? I thought I just saw something fall from the side of tower #2.". Before the tape could be rolled back, the tower crumbled. It just pancaked; floor after floor until there was nothing but smoke. It was such a strong building. No one seemed to think it would come down. This was the first time I heard someone mention all of the firefighters that were inside the buildings helping people out. How many were in that building when it came down?

Blessed Are The Pure In Heart

April is Autism Awareness Month. It also happens to be the month in which our son, Pierce, celebrates his birthday. In less than two weeks, my boy will be (gulp)...a teenager. I can hardly believe it, though he's had acne and a mustache for months now.

Last week, Tim and I went to a meeting for parents of children that would be entering the 7th grade in the fall to learn about the church's youth group. As most parents would, I had some mixed emotions about being there. The youth program at our church is fantastic. Pierce is going to be surrounded by great kids and Godly adults during his teen years. However, I got a little sad when the youth minister began to talk about one of this group's main goals: To help our teens become mature disciples of Christ. This, for us, just isn't going to become a reality. I began to think about a parenting class that Tim and I attended at our former church some years ago. Parents of a child with Asperger's Syndrome made a guest appearance one week. Their son was a teenager, and they talked about some of the struggles they'd had as parents. When they asked for questions at the end of class, I raised my hand. I tearfully asked if their son had been baptized, and if he understood what it was all about. I should probably first give you a little background to explain why I asked this question. You see, I grew up in a Church Of Christ. There is a very strong belief that baptism is THE act that saves your soul. If you want to start a debate in the CofC, just pose this scenario: A man/woman makes the decision to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. They get in the car and head to the church where they will be baptized. However, on their way to the church building, they are killed in a horrible car accident. Will this person enter into Heaven, or be turned away at the pearly gates?

Pierce is nearly 13-years-old, and he still LOVES Veggie Tales, Blue's Clues, Dora The Explorer, and other such shows aimed at preschoolers. Honestly, he is obsessed with quoting lines from these shows. I won't lie; some days, it drives me absolutely CRAZY. I want him to love shows that a normal 13-year-old would watch. I want him to talk about cars and video games and other such stuff. I also want him to keep up with his peers at church and one day become a "mature disciple of Christ". One Sunday morning, when I was struggling to keep Pierce from talking out loud about Blue's Clues, I got a smack in the face. The sermon that day was, "Blessed Are The Pure In Heart". At one point, our minister started giving examples of kids with special needs and their innocent hearts and minds. I began to cry. Here I was, wanting my kid to be a normal teenager, when Jesus was looking into my child's heart and saying, "THIS is what I want!".

The answer those parents in that class years ago gave me was this: Yes, their child had been baptized, because he wanted to be. They didn't know if he fully understood Christ's sacrifice, but they believed he loved the Lord with all of his heart. It is not my intention today to debate baptism's role in a person's salvation. It is such a slippery slope, and I don't want to trip and roll all the way down. I'm simply telling you the thoughts that I've personally wrestled with. I did my time worrying about Pierce's soul. It's going to be so hard to see all of his friends mature and accept Christ, and I don't know if Pierce will ever "get" Christianity. But, if he never comes to us and asks to be dunked in a tub of water, I will not mourn. His heart is pure, which is just the way Jesus wants it. And if it's good enough for Jesus, then it's good enough for me.

I'm Not Who I Was

A week or two ago, I got an email notifying me that I'd been added to a new group on Facebook. It was a group for my high school graduating class of 1992. It seems it's time to start planning our 20th reunion. I have to be honest and say that the very thought of my upcoming reunion fills my heart with fear and dread. I'm sure I'm not the first, and I won't be the last to feel that way. I didn't go to my 10th reunion, but it wasn't because I had aged or put on weight. I didn't attend my 10th and don't want to go back for my 20th, because I don't like being reminded of the person I used to be.

There's a quote from the movie Hope Floats that has always stuck with me. It's at the very end; the little girl in the movie begins to narrate, then her mom takes over: "My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life. But, I think he's wrong. I think my mom's right. She says...Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. ...Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most". I've heard some people describe their youth as fun and carefree. For me, my teenage years were the most stressful of my entire life. Us grownups may look at our youth now and call their teen angst silly and trivial, but I'm here to tell you that I thought my drama was rather serious. I was never a very confident child, but in my teens I was plagued with a nearly crippling lack of self confidence. I was (and still am) a very introverted and shy person. I had people tell me that they tried to say "hello" to me in the halls, but I never heard them because I was looking at the floor and moving as quickly as I could to get to my next class. I didn't want to be in the hall any longer than I had to be. I had friends, great ones in fact, but I always felt awkward in social situations. I was ridiculously skinny, my body had no shape, my hair was thick and frizzy, and I had (have) a big, ugly nose. I did have some fun times. I loved music (it was the one thing I thought I was good at), so I was a band nerd. That certainly didn't help me win any popularity contests, though. Every August, I thought, "This is my year". The boys are going to notice me, and I might actually have a boyfriend. The popular kids won't treat me like a geek. Alas, every school year went the same as the one before. I'd fall head over heels in unrequited love with a couple of different guys only to have my heart broken over and over again when I would find out that they had absolutely no interest in me. I would get up the nerve to get involved in social events, only to try too hard and end up feeling like a fool. I hated school from the very first day of first grade. Because I was smart, I got pretty good grades but could've gotten great grades if I had made more of an effort. I was so easily overwhelmed with tests and homework. Honestly, though, I felt like school was a waste of my time. I didn't care about college, and I didn't want a career. Go ahead and call me old-fashioned, but all I really wanted was to fall in love, get married and be a mom. So, those 4 years of high school were pure torture. I was depressed most of the time. The anxiety of dealing with the pressures of school work and the desire to fit in kept me from eating breakfast in the mornings, because my stomach was a bundle of nerves. I also had constant tension headaches. I was a very angry and negative person. I was so jealous of the beautiful people. I had a very bad habit of talking about other people's faults, because, I guess, I thought that would make me look better. I felt that my station in life was unfair. Because of my behavior and the fact that I was very much the introvert and didn't come off as totally friendly, I heard rumors that many people thought I was a snob or a bitch.

Thankfully, God rescued me by sending Tim my way. He was in my Trig class my junior (his senior) year. We knew of each other because we ran in some of the same geeky circles. I took a chance (at my mother's prodding) and asked Tim to the Junior/Senior prom, and he said yes. We dated during that summer, but when he left for college, he suggested we should just be friends. He told me later that it had become very hard to be with someone as negative as I was. I realized that I had to make a change. In my letters to him, I stopped ranting about how much I hated life and tried to focus on the positives. I had loosened up a little at school, too. I was tired of trying so hard to fit in; if it hadn't happened by this my senior year, it wasn't going to happen. I opted for the more alternative, grunge clothing and music, instead of the preppy stuff everyone else was wearing and listening to. I managed to win Tim back. After I attended just one completely miserable year of college, Tim proposed and we made plans to get married that same year. I had a couple of friends try to council me. They told me I would regret dropping out of college and getting married at 19. I even ran into some fellow high school alumni, and when I told them I was getting married, their gaze dropped down to my abdomen. Some people assumed that if I was getting married this young, it must be a shotgun wedding! I don't know why the idea that we could actually be ready to make this commitment was so foreign! May be we were just more mature than others our age, I don't know.

Fast forward nearly 20 years to now. I'm a wife and mom like I always wanted to be. Yes, my life is stressful from time to time with marital and parenting issues. However, you couldn't pay me enough money to go back to high school even for a day. I have NEVER regretted dropping out of college or getting married at such a young age. I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I ever was in my adolescence. I still have my insecurities, but they aren't as crippling as they were years ago. I still feel awkward socially, but I try, and I don't beat myself up (too much, anyway) if I do something stupid. Tim has helped me to overcome so much of the negativity I used to be filled with. I'm a more positive person, for the most part. I understand now that some people just have the personality to be popular and loved more than others, and I shouldn't be envious of that. To those that I talked about in high school, I apologize. To those that thought I wanted nothing to do with you, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. Maybe you will see me at next year's reunion. It's something I will be praying about and psyching myself up for. After all, I have a year to prepare!

There is a song by Brandon Heath that sums things up rather well. I almost feel like he was in my head when he wrote this. I don't feel like I've totally arrived at being the person I want to be, but I'm so much closer than I was 20 years ago.

I'm Not Who I Was

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was