Zoom Out

I don’t have a list of the #thingsthatgivemelife today, but I do want to talk about a decision I’ve made that, I believe, is helping me preserve my sanity. As you know, I am a mega introvert. I draw energy from alone time. Every interaction I have with another person is another drain of my energy. Working retail is a challenge, even when things are normal. During the spring months, my energy reserves are depleted at the end of every day. Bates Nursery has been classified as an essential business, so we’ve remained open during the statewide mandated closures. But because of the overwhelming volume of web orders we’re receiving, we’ve reduced our shopping hours from the usual 8AM-6PM.  We’re now only open to foot traffic 4 hours a day, from noon to 4. From 8 to noon, we're busy filling orders. About half of our usual seasonal staff has decided it is too risky to work with the public right now, and understandably so. We’ve hired lots of extra people to help pull web orders, but as far as taking care of customers and plants, we are operating with a skeleton crew. I’ll use the frog analogy to explain how this affects us. A “normal” spring day is like the frog in a pot of water on the stove that is slowly heating up to a boil. The customers trickle in during the morning hours, until we realize at midday they are swarming us. With our gates opening at noon, there are cars lining the sides of the road (some having sat in line for 30 minutes) waiting to get in. We’ve hired security guards that are keeping our numbers down to 50 cars max, and only 2 people per vehicle. Even so, once those gates are open, it’s like Black Friday at Walmart. We are lobsters thrown into a pot of boiling water. A 10-hour shopping day is crammed into a 4-hour time slot, and for those four hours, the questions and customer interactions are nonstop. Most people are mindful of the social distancing concept, but several customers are oblivious to this and insist on showing me pictures on their phone. I usually have a greenhouse crew of between 5 and 8 people, depending on the day, but I’m down to 3 or 4 people now. Unfortunately, the work load is still the same, so I’m putting in 55-60 hours, 6 days a week, to keep shelves stocked and plants alive. Several of my coworkers are working even longer hours than I am to keep our little ship afloat. What is my point, you might ask? I’m telling you I AM EXHAUSTED.

With the restrictions on gatherings, organizations all over the world are looking for ways to meet, worship, or teach classes. Enter Zoom. Now it is possible to socialize virtually. Most people would think this scenario is the perfect setup for introverts, but I disagree. Since the goal is to “see” people, everyone uses a webcam so that the screen is filled with faces. At an actual party, you might interact with 2-3 people at one time. In this new virtual gathering, you’re faced with a dozen or more people at once. People that are stuck at home all day and extroverts dying for someone to talk to think Zoom is the best thing since sliced bread. I think it’s great that the world is finding ways to connect during this time of isolation. But for me, the thought of logging into one of these sessions after a work day like I’ve just described, is too overwhelming for me to even consider. This is why I’m opting out of any Zoom invitations I receive right now. It’s not personal, I just have no energy left at the end of the day and therefore nothing to contribute. 

One more thing I’d like to impart: Be gentle with those of us in the service industry. We are adapting our businesses in ways we never expected to, and we know things are getting missed. This frustrates us just as much as or more than it does you. Stay well, friends, and I hope we can meet face to face once this crisis is over.

Completing The Cycle

It is March 37th. I think it is Monday, because I didn’t have to go to work. We are all healthy, and everyone but Pierce is still working for “essential businesses”. The kids are kinda stir crazy. Tim and I aren’t too bothered by the order to stay home, but I do miss our dinner dates. We’ve all managed to keep ourselves entertained. By the way, if you’ve considered seeing what this Tiger King business on Netflix is all about, don’t do it. My life has in no way been improved by watching it; there are things you can’t unsee. I wish I’d picked up a book instead. I joined the Jen Hatmaker Book Club last year, because I needed one more excuse to buy new books. Without knowing what was ahead, the book selection for March was Burnout by Emily Nagoski, PhD. I’d already purchased a copy while I was on sabbatical, because I knew I’d need strategies for dealing with the stress of working in a garden center during spring. The last 4-5 weeks have been some of the toughest out of the 5 years I’ve been at Bates; when compared to the year of my depression diagnosis and The Greenhouse Drama of 2018, it’s hard to say which spring has been more challenging. But with all of the changes we’re making due to Covid-19, fear of what’s ahead, and the depression I’m trying to keep stabilized, I’m more at risk of burnout right now than I usually am this time of year. Nagoski’s book isn’t about how to eliminate stress. Instead, it’s a manual of coping strategies to help you process and manage the inevitable stresses of life. Most years, I’ve come home from work and collapsed on the couch, not wanting to move until bedtime. But just lying on the couch or in bed doesn’t melt away the stress like you’d think it would. This spring, I’ve been taking the lessons I’m learning to heart. According to Nagoski, the best thing we can do to relieve stress is complete the cycle. How do we do this, you might ask? We complete the cycle when we expend the energy of our pent up stress in positive ways. For this #thingsthatgivemelife post, I’ll share with you the things that are helping me hold onto my sanity.

Music- Traditionally, I sing my favorite tunes all the way to work, then on the drive home, I listen to an audiobook or podcast. This spring, I’ve found that my brain is so fired up from the day’s events, I can’t concentrate on a book. A couple weeks ago, I started listening to my Drama Llama Land playlist after work. These are all my angry “somebody done somebody wrong” songs. Singing along has been a great way for me to get all the frustration out of my system. It seems counterintuitive that angry music would be therapeutic, but I’m in a much better frame of mind by the time I get home.

Gardening- After working outside all day, one of the last things I want to do when I get home is yard work. But for the last several days, I’ve been spending an hour or two after work cleaning up all of my beds and checking in with the plants that are awakening from their winter sleep. I’m energized by my time in the garden. It is satisfying to get a few plants in the ground and check off another item on my garden to-do list.   

TikTok- I’m limiting my time on social media to avoid the 24/7 updates on Covid-19 diagnoses and projections of fatalities. When work has kicked my ass and all I want to do is come home and lock myself in my room, I get on TikTok. It is nonsense and ridiculous (like this) and makes me laugh until I cry. I’m not telling you it’s wrong to pull the covers over your head and feel your feels on occasion. In fact, having a good cry is cleansing and one of the ways Nagoski suggests for completing the cycle. But for me, laughter is cheap therapy and one of the most effective ways to combat stress. I mean, tell me this cat video isn't funny; or this one.

Home- At work, I’m constantly thinking about what I’m touching, washing my hands, keeping that 6ft. social distance, washing my hands, whether or not we have too many customers in the greenhouse, washing my hands, not touching my face, washing my hands, etc. When I step into my home, I no longer have to think about these things. I can touch anything I want without a care in the world. I can sit on the couch with my people and not worry about how close we are to each other. Reagan, her roommate Kinsey, and I watched the This Is Us season finale a couple weeks ago with home baked peanut butter chocolate chip cookies; WAY better than going to the movies. As it is for most of you, home is my safe haven. 

Shower- I have been teased mercilessly my entire life about how much time I spend in the shower. Believe all the stories you’ve heard. My favorite place in the whole world is my shower. So many of my cares have washed down that drain. For those few minutes (or several, if you ask my family), no one needs anything from me. I am alone with my thoughts. That shower is the best part of my day. I don’t know if it counts as “completing the cycle”, but it is a definite stress reliever for me. No picture necessary.

Creating- Putting energy into a new creation is an excellent way to combat stress. I made a new layout for the greenhouse last year, but with the need to create social distancing and a greater demand for sustainable gardening this year, my plan has been abandoned and I’m making up a new one on the fly. The greenhouse is A HOT MESS and, for me, the disorganization is one of the more stressful components of this spring season. I resolve this through writing (my recently published essay can be found here), garden planning, making new iTunes playlists, and coloring. Creating beauty in this time of chaos is essential to my survival.

I hope everyone is successful in finding ways to make it out of this alive. We are dealing with a crisis unlike anything most of us have ever faced before; my parents’ generation most likely remembers the polio epidemic. Stay healthy, but don’t forget to guard your mind. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.