New Year's Reso...Whatever

What is it about humans, me in particular, that we feel compelled to write out a list of goals that we want to accomplish in the coming year? And why do we challenge ourselves to maintain these lifestyle changes for an entire year? I mean, a year is SO LONG. Is that why we so often fail to keep our New Year's Resolutions? Why do I end every year thinking I'm a failure because of those goals I was unable achieve? Personally, January is the month I'm feeling the LEAST motivated. I keep vowing to exercise more, walking being my exercise of choice, but who wants to walk outside when it's between 30 and 40 degrees? I also vow to eat better every January, but being cold makes me cranky...and being cranky makes me eat more. BTW, in case you were planning to contact me about how you can help me loose weight, I'm already drinking the "pink drink".

Maybe I've been going about this "better me" thing all wrong. Maybe I should be setting smaller goals in shorter time frames. Baby steps. Maybe focus on a different goal every month. Praise myself more for those achievements, no matter how small, instead of beating myself up for my many, many failures. I'm debating about whether or not to share these goals with you. I don't like being reminded of changes I've committed to making and opening myself to criticism. I know that I should be more willing to be held accountable, though, and I want to be better at that...so I guess that's a goal I have that I'm sharing with you. Yikes.

So, instead of talking about all of the ups AND downs of the past year, I'll just focus on the ups. I've crossed a couple of things off of my bucket list and succeeded at a couple of personal goals I set for myself. I challenged myself to listen to every single song on my iPod (I refuse to say an exact number, but a few thousand; let's leave it at that). Today, December 31st, I have just accomplished that. At the end of 2013, I took Jon Acuff's Empty Shelf Challenge: to read enough books this year to fill an empty shelf in the bookcase. Since half of those were read on my Kindle, it was hard to do this literally. But, I'm thrilled that I managed to read 36 books in 2014 (Here is the Goodreads link to the list of books I read this year: https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/24065820?shelf=empty-shelf-challenge). That's the most books I've ever read in 365 days. There were 2 goals on my bucket list that I managed to cross off this year. The first one was to watch all 100 movies on the American Film Institute Top 100 list  (http://www.afi.com/100years/movies10.aspx). I've been working on this for a few years, and I finally watched the last one this year. The second bucket list item I was able to cross off was seeing Rocky Horror Picture Show with audience participation at the Belcourt Theater. That was...interesting. I can't really talk about it, though, because what happens at Rocky Horror, stays at Rocky Horror.

There were a few achievements that were HUGE for me, but weren't necessarily concrete goals. I got a job! I've been a stay-home wife and mom all of my adult life. While I've had a couple of babysitting gigs along the way and a few weeks helping out as a cashier at a friend's new business, this is my first real paycheck in almost 19 years. It was just kind of an afterthought; this Fall, I saw a post on Facebook from my favorite garden center (Bates Nursery and Garden Center) that they were looking for help, and I thought it might be fun to work there. I put in an application and had an awkward interview ("What have you been doing for the last 17 years?" "Oh, just being a mom"). I was pleasantly surprised when they offered me a position! It's a seasonal job, so I'm cooling my heels (literally) for the winter months. But I can't WAIT to be back there in the Spring! My other major accomplishments this year were a group effort with my amazing chorus, Metro Nashville. Because we won our regional contest in 2013, we earned an invitation to participate in a choral event at THE Ryman Auditorium. WHOA. If you are a fan of country music (which I am NOT) or you live anywhere near Nashville, you know about this iconic musical venue. So many aspiring musicians have dreamed of being on this stage...and we were blessed to have this dream come true for Metro Nashville Chorus! In addition to being invited to sing at the Ryman,  our regionals win in 2013 earned us a spot in the 2014 Sweet Adeline International Competition in Baltimore, where, out of 33 choruses, we qualified to compete again in the top 10 finals for the first time EVER! We placed 7th in the world (which you all know, because I Tweeted, Instagrammed, and Facebooked ad nauseam)!!!

So what will 2015 bring? Do you have a method for following through on your yearly resolutions, or are you one of those people who resolve NOT to make resolutions each new year? I'm throwing around some goals in my head, and MAYBE I'll give you all a glimpse of those in a few days. I will continue to read more, and be more intentional about listening to ALL of the music I own (why keep it around, if I'm not going to listen to it?!). Going back to work in the Spring will force me to be more active than I have been in the past. Whether or not I succeed in eating better/less and adding some other form of regular exercise to the mix remains to be seen. Check back with me in December 2015. Many blessings to you and yours in the coming year!

Hope In The Midst Of Despair: My 1st Vespers Homily

When I signed up to give a homily for the first time in Vespers, I didn't know when I would be asked, or what texts I would be working with. Eric contacted me a couple of weeks ago to ask if I could be ready in 2 weeks, and I had just a slight freakout. Public speaking is not my forte. I decided I should just go ahead and jump this hurdle now, rather than put it off until later in the year. I was pleasantly surprised when I looked over our texts for the evening. You see, I am a gardener. I feel that God has blessed me with a green thumb. While gardening brings me pleasure, I also find that it's one of the best ways for God to speak to me. It's impossible to deny intelligent design when surrounded by such beauty. So when I saw that our chant and 2 of our 3 passages of scripture told stories of a vineyard, and the portion of our peace prayer this week deals with sowing hope in the midst of despair, I felt an instant connection. Jesus spoke in parables, because it was a language everyone could understand. Some people identify with lots of sports references in their sermons (sorry, Josh; I wish was one of them), others with references to careers, parenting, or marriage. When Jesus talks about the different types of soil in which seeds are sown, or the size of a mustard seed, or bearing good fruit, I get it. My gardening experiences give me a point of reference to help me understand His meaning. 

In Isaiah (chapter 5:1-7), God is a gardener. He created this great big, beautiful world. He prepared the earth so that when He planted us there, we would shine for Him, thrive, produce wonderful fruit for his Kingdom. But just as any gardener knows, our best laid plans are sometimes thwarted when the plants we've placed have a mind of their own. No matter how we nurture them, some plants just won't give us the beauty we expect. This makes me think of my love of gladiolas, and my frustrating attempts through the years to grow them. I get my green thumb from my grandmother. Gladiolas were her favorites, and they were always a show-stopper in her garden. Try as I might, I just can't get the results she was able to get year after year. More sun, less sun. More water, less water. Good soil, not-so-good soil. Unfortunately, she passed when I was 13, long before I discovered my passion for gardening and had any interest in learning her secret to producing such gorgeous blooms. I imagine God gets just as frustrated with us as I get with those silly plants sometimes. Because, despite His perfect plan for us, sin entered our world and destroyed it. God gives us so much, more than we could ever deserve, in which to grow, soak in His love, and spread the hope of Christ throughout His Kingdom. Yet, sometimes for us, it's never enough. We join the world and their negativity, whine about how unfair life is, complain about what we don't have, spread stories about all the evil and despair in the world. But just as I keep trying to duplicate my grandmother's wonderous gladiolas despite my many failures, God never gives up on us. He keeps giving us reason to hope, showing us over and over again that the battle against evil has already been conquered. In Matthew (chapter 21:33-46), God is still the gardener, but we aren't the plants in the vineyard. Instead, we are the caretakers, entrusted with all that God has given us, and he is sending us constant reminders that we are only the tenants, we own nothing. Not to brag, but gardeners tend to be some of the most generous people I know. Mostly because, as plants multiply in our gardens and we divide and replant, we eventually run out of places to put them. It's our duty to share the bounty with our friends and families, even complete strangers on Craigslist. Though I find it easy to share the gifts from my garden, it isn't always so easy in other areas of my life. Why is that? So many times, we conform to the standards of this world and fight tooth and nail to get what we feel we deserve and then keep it to ourselves. We listen to those voices telling us that people that weren't blessed to be raised as middle or upper class, or weren't as fortunate as we were to have a quality education and therefore, better opportunities in life, are undeserving of our help. I'll admit that it's a struggle for me to tune out those voices, and instead, listen to my Father whispering to me, "Give. Just as I gave to you". Hope in the midst of despair. 

 

 I'm no different than any of you. We've ALL weathered storms and been in that pit of despair. Maybe you think your pit doesn't look as deep as my pit, or maybe you think yours looks deeper than mine. I assure you, the feelings are all the same. So when David pleads with God in the Psalms (Psalm 80:7-14) for restoration, for light to shine through the darkness, on some level, we can ALL identify. For me, it's been 3 separate bouts of clinical depression; Pierce's autism diagnosis; the day we thought we'd never see him again when he wandered too far away from home; the devastating (but necessary) decision to leave a church that we so desperately loved, but that no longer represented our family; the many, MANY health crises my sister endured over the last 21 years of her life; the peace my family thought we'd feel when my sister's suffering was finally over, only to endure months of turmoil and uncertainty filled with false accusations that we hastened her death. 

How do we sow hope in the midst of despair? Again, I bring up the gardening analogy. I, quite literally, sow hope in my garden by planting perennials and bulbs. In the fall, I dig these pits in my garden, and fill them with little lumps of nothing. They sit in the ground, throughout a freezing gray and bleak winter. But in the spring, I'm rewarded for enduring the torturous cold with bold, beautiful blooms. Same thing with my perennials. I watch them all turn crispy and brown and eventually crumble away every winter. And then, just when I start to think they are never coming back and I may have finally killed them for good this time, I witness their rebirth as tiny green shoots poke their heads through the cold ground every spring. How does this translate into our everyday lives? I don't know exactly. It's taken me 40 years to figure this out, and, as Paul says in our passage in Phillipians (chapter 3:4-14), "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it." I've been surrounded with such negativity throughout my life, but I'm slowly and surely realizing that God won't shine through if I stay in that place. So, I surround myself with gems of light. Church activities, including Life Groups, affirming quotes (you probably see me whipping out my phone every week to snap pictures of the quotes on the screen. Especially when I forget to turn off my flash), scripture, activities that let me showcase my gifts, like singing and gardening. Sometimes, I have to "fake it, til I make it" when I'd really rather wallow in my pit. Maybe you do, too.  But eventually, you pretend long enough that some hope starts to take root, and eventually, it grows high and wide enough to lift you out of that pit and into the light. And once we become filled with that light, we can't help but spread it everywhere we go, sowing hope in the midst of despair. "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead."

A Mom Looks At 40

This is the final few days of my 30's. I'm not handling the prospect of turning 40 very well, and honestly, I can't even explain why. I have very few regrets, and I'm right where I wanted to be at this age. Wanting to hold on to my youth isn't a vanity thing. I've just seen so much sickness in my family, that I know the odds of maintaining my health for much longer are not in my favor. I feel like I've stayed healthy in spite of the gene pool from which I came (no offense, mom and dad, but I've been dealt a pretty crappy hand). Even though the possibility of my body failing me sooner rather than later looms ahead of me, I try my best to remain positive and optimistic, but sometimes, that's easier said than done.

As one is wont to do at life's milestones, I've been ruminating on my past and wondering what are some of the most important lessons I've learned in life. I struggled in the beginning, and was afraid I wouldn't find as many as I wanted to share. But in the end, I had to edit my list, and combine a few similar ones to make room. Some are serious, some are silly. A few I've forgotten and had to relearn, and I may continue to relearn over the coming years. To all of my friends and family, thank you for walking with me for the past 40 years and helping to make this life interesting and worth living. To people I've hurt in the past, I'm sincerely sorry, and I hope I can be forgiven. 

Ok, enough of that mushy business. Here, without further ado, are my top 40 life lessons (in no particular order):

1 We don't remain those obnoxious kids we were in high school (thank GOD!). The kids that pick on you, will one day be responsible grownups, who are very sorry for the crappy way they treated people in their youth.

2 The world continues to turn after you drop out of college, and you WILL survive without a degree. 

3 A credit card is NOT a "golden ticket" to obtain the lifestyle you want as a poor college kid. 

4 You can never, ever, EVER suck back the words you say once they exit your mouth. And while forgiveness may be granted to you for the hurt your words inflicted, those words will leave scars that never fade. Lashing out at someone in retaliation will never make your hurt go away. Most times, it just makes the situation worse. Whoever came up with "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names (words) will never hurt me" is a big fat liar and deserves a punch in the face. 

5 No matter how clever, funny, nice, or charming you think you are, there will ALWAYS be people out there that don't like you...AND THAT IS OK. Also, there will always be someone smarter, prettier, and more talented than you...AND THAT IS OK.

6  Naps are good.

7 The days are long, but the years are short. 

8 Never take your hamsters outside in their plastic cage on a HOT summer day...and forget about them. It's not pretty, folks. RIP, Nibbles and Susie. 

9 The best thing you can say to someone who's grieving is "I love you and I'm praying for you". Few people out there have the ability to speak words of comfort to the grieving; you are probably not one of them. Don't fill the void with philosophical crap, and DEFINITELY don't try to speak for God. If you don't know what to say, say nothing. Just sit with them in silent support. 

10 Do what you love to do, even if YOU think you suck at it. Don't let fear of failure hold you back. Never stop learning. Always be willing to try something new. It may just be your next favorite thing.

11 Don't assume that you must be immune to the chicken pox, just because all those times you were exposed to them as a kid, you never broke out. And don't be stupid enough to assure a parent you're immune so you can babysit their sick kids. Because you CAN get chicken pox the summer before your senior year of high school. Yeah. 

12 Don't ever assume that the people you love know what you expect of them. No mater how much you love or think you know each other, NO ONE can read your mind. Remember, when you assume, you make an ass of you and me. 

13 Don't be smug if you managed to dodge that acne-bullet in your teens, because it will hit you eventually. It IS possible to be battling age spots AND zits simultaneously. ALSO, don't be smug if you've spent your youth eating whatever you want and not gaining a pound. Your metabolism WILL slow down and eventually go in reverse.

14 Don't dread having teenagers in the house. Those may just be your most fun parenting years yet.

15 The car, even with windows sealed, is NOT sound-proof. You can be heard by someone a few feet away. 

16 Don't rent an apartment or go on vacation with someone you barely know. They may take you straight to Crazy Town. 

17 There is no "right way" to birth or feed a baby. Don't let mommy-guilt win. And moms, we need to stop inflicting the mommy-guilt on other young moms. 

18 You can love God and have a faith that would move mountains, but depression can still creep in and take control of your brain. Depression IS a disease, and taking medication does NOT make you any less of a Christian. 

19 God is not up there with a checklist playing Whack-A-Mole when someone screws up. 

20 "Train up a child" will only take you so far. Inherited faith is shallow faith. Ask questions (God can handle it) and explore the reality of what you've always been told is truth. Own your faith.

21 The world is not as black and white as you thought it was as a kid. 

22  Never shop for groceries when you're hungry. 

23 When you display a fake persona, you are doing no one any favors. People will only feel betrayed when they discover the real you. Don't pretend life is great when it's not. Blowing sunshine up someone's skirt is never appreciated. 

24 No matter how boring you think your life is, get it down on paper or in pictures. Preserve your history.

25 People will not like you if you're constantly trying to one-up them in a conversation. You don't have to have the better story. Actively listen, instead of mentally composing your next line in the conversation. 

26 Reaching a point in your relationship where you don't have much to say is NOT a bad thing. Be comfortable with and enjoy the silence. 

27 A kidney stone IS worse than labor pains.

28 While being called "cute" or mistaken for 10 years younger than your actual age may seem like an insult in your 20's and 30's, you will absolutely LOVE hearing things like this one day. 

29 Just because you make great friends, doesn't mean you'll make great business partners.

30 Adolescent boys' bedrooms STINK. I don't know why, they just do. Trust me. 

31 Unless you have received confirmation of a pregnancy, never, ever, EVER ask a woman when her baby is due. It'll be embarrassing and awkward for both of you if there is, in fact, no baby on board. Also...NEVER touch a pregnant belly unless you've been invited to do so. Some people might consider that rude.

32 Our secrets keep us sick.

33 Don't put people on a pedestal. They are human, they make mistakes, and they WILL disappoint you. 

34 If you obstetrician suggests you could gain some weight by eating tofu (because it's high in protein), cook it first. Don't EVER eat it raw, ESPECIALLY if you're pregnant and queasy. 

35 As Americans, we like to talk about our rights and what we deserve or feel entitled to. I mean, come on; we live by the Bill of Rights. Well, Jesus told us that as sinners, what we DESERVED was death. Fortunately, he took on our sin and shame and served that term for us, giving us life eternal. If we never get anything else for as long as we live, His gift was ENOUGH. Don't tell people what you deserve.

36 Snopes.com is your friend. SERIOUSLY. Don't spam your friends and family with rumors and false information. Do a little research. 

37 Never underestimate the healing power of a good belly laugh. And on the contrary, hugs are NOT healing to everyone.

38 You will never regret being kind.

39 Getting your hands dirty in the garden or cranking up your stereo is some of the best (and cheapest) therapy.

40 Contrary to the famous Jerry Maguire quote, a spouse can not complete you. Compliment you, yes. Don't depend on them for your very existence. Develop close friendships, find hobbies, be comfortable in your own skin. You don't have to do everything together, or enjoy ALL the same things to be happy together. You had an identity before marriage; don't forget that. 

Pay It Forward

The place that our family called home for 13 years was filled with thousands of irises, Tennessee's state flower. I was SO excited about inheriting these beautiful plants, and I would cut giant bouquets and place them all over the house. I began to move the plants all around the yard. The more I divided them, the more they would multiply. I had more than I knew what to do with, so eventually, I began to offer them to family, friends, even friends of friends, one of which gave me the nickname "the iris lady". I love spreading the wealth and bringing a smile to the faces of others. People will post pictures of the irises I've given them on Facebook, and I so enjoy seeing my babies being loved by other people and thriving in new homes.

We moved nearly 2 years ago, but we still rent the old property out. These tenants aren't gardeners in the least, so I've been on a rescue mission lately, to dig up all of my plants and move them to our new place. Last summer, I offered up more irises to anyone that was interested. One day, early in the fall, I saw 2 of the women that work in my chiropractor's office at a landscape place. We chatted briefly, and I mentioned all of the plants I was trying to rescue. I offered them some irises, and they were both interested. Later in the fall, I brought sacks of iris plants to my chiropractor's office. Both women were excited, but especially Jan. She had just recently lost her mother, and she thought planting the irises would be a nice tribute to her. I showed them both how deep to plant them and explained that they likely wouldn't bloom in the first year after being transplanted. 

It was a long, cold winter. Finally, the temperatures began to rise, and I would get reports every Monday when I came in for my chiropractor visits. "I'm starting to get green leaves!" "Shouldn't they be blooming by now?" I had to remind them again that they probably wouldn't bloom this spring. A week ago, Jan was thrilled to tell me that one iris had a stalk with buds. I could tell she was disappointed that it was the only one, but I assured her this was normal. 

Yesterday, I came in for my usual visit. While I was doing my stretches, Jan rushed over and shoved her phone in my face. "Look!", she said, and there was a picture of an iris bloom. "Oh yea! It finally bloomed!", I said. She grinned and said, "Do you know when it opened up?", she hesitated before answering, "...yesterday". I gasped as a chill went up my spine, and exclaimed, "Mother's Day!". Her eyes got teary as she reminded me that she had planted the flowers in honor of her mother. Her husband woke her up Sunday morning and said, "You've GOT to see this!!". He hustled her out of bed and to the window, where a single iris bloom was standing tall and proud. I felt as though my heart would burst. Many people over the years have shown me gratitude for sharing my beautiful plants with them, but this has got to be, hands down, the biggest blessing I've ever received as a result of giving away irises. I don't like the terms "God-thing" or "God-moment"; to me, it minimizes all those other moments that God is ALWAYS working in our lives. But for Jan on this Mother's Day, I know she felt God's arms wrap around her. And knowing that I played just a tiny roll in that moment, is a feeling I can't possibly describe. All I did was pass along some extra plants, plants that were never really mine to begin with. I think this just goes to show that even the slightest kindness we do for others, sometimes matters more than we could ever know. I don't say this to toot my own horn, but to encourage all of you out there to give back; pay it forward. Heck, it's a lesson I myself need to remember more often...be kind; you never know the smiles or the hope you might inspire. 

So Close, Yet So Far Away

Last Thursday, April 24th, we celebrated Pierce's 16th birthday. It's difficult for me to wrap my brain around the fact that I've spent 16 years of my life as a mom. In some ways, Pierce is very much like a typical 16-year-old boy: Sleeps like a teenager, eats like a teenager, has the deep voice, facial hair, and acne of a teenager, certainly smells like a teenage boy. To look at him, anyone that doesn't know him would think just that; typical, normal. However, I had to write out questions for him to answer about the kind of birthday celebration he wanted. Typing out a response is sometimes easier for Pierce than trying to verbalize. While he asked for a chocolate cake and dinner at Applebee's, the activity he requested was anything but typical for a 16-year-old boy. He wanted to go to the LifeWay Christian Store and look at the VeggieTales display. He picked out a couple of videos that we don't own yet. VeggieTales was the first thing he every watched on television as a baby, and he's been obsessed with them ever since. When Pierce started high school last fall, I was terrified for him. I knew that boys he'd gone to middle school with and that were in the youth group with him would be there, too, but this place seemed huge! We walked the halls over and over at orientation to help him get familiar with his schedule. We tried to open his locker, and couldn't. I tried my hardest not to dissolve into tears in front of all these teenagers. Luckily, a friend from the youth group was there to help; I think I may have scared him, though, with my blubbering, once he offered to help Pierce around on his first day. I barely slept a wink that night, worried about how he would survive, having flashbacks to my own miserable days of high school. I walked him to his first class, well aware of the stares we were getting from teens that thought I was being a crazy, overprotective mom. Once we made it to the first class, I was greeted by teachers and assistants that assured me Pierce would be well taken care of. I barely got out to the car before turning into a giant puddle, tears of relief consuming me.

When Tim and I were on our cruise last December, we had to engage in lots of small talk with people we didn't know. Of course, we were always asked if we had kids, and then they'd want to know how old they were. I don't usually volunteer the fact that Pierce is autistic, but it normally comes up, especially now. When we tell people we have a 15 (now 16)-year-old son, 99% of the time, the response is, "Oh! You're about to have a driver in the house!" We then have to explain why we are not, in fact, on the cusp of having a teen behind the wheel. Most days, I'm fine. I've made my peace with life being different for Pierce than I had planned for it to be when he was a baby 16 years ago. But it's when his peers approach those milestones that Pierce is going to miss that I have a bit of a set-back. A couple of weeks ago, we were dropping Pierce off at a youth group function. One of the other 9th grade boys was just pulling up...and getting out on the driver's side to let his mom take over. I have to admit (after I got over the shock of seeing this KID DRIVING!!!, and then reminding myself that he is, in fact, old enough to do so), I felt a twinge of jealousy. Pierce's peers are great. They consider themselves Pierce's friends. For as long as they are all in high school together, I know they are going to make him feel like he's one of them. But these boys are all going to get their licenses soon. There will be parties and sporting events to attend, after-school jobs to go to. Before long, they will all be sending in college applications. I know they won't do so on purpose, but eventually, they are going to leave Pierce behind. Pierce is in a program at his high school that focuses on life skills. He works in a cookie store at the school every day: baking the cookies, washing dishes. Eventually, he'll be taught to work with the money and interact with the customers. I'm so very thankful that a program like this exists; that he won't just get turned out into society once high school is over, with a "Good Luck!" and a pat on the back. He LOVES working in the store. But it does make me sad that he won't go to college and follow the path that his friends will take. The house that we purchased 19 months ago, has a full basement. There is a bedroom and bathroom down there. This is where we decided Pierce should be. I don't know if he will ever live be able to live by himself as an adult, so we are prepared to make the downstairs his apartment. Ideally, I'd love for him to live in a sort of group home so that he can gain some independence from us. 

I've come a long way since that day 11 years ago, when we first heard a doctor tell us our son has autism. I've learned that one never fully leaves the stages of grief. I will revisit them as time goes by. There will be more days like today that will give me pause, and make me wonder what life could be like for Pierce, for our family, without the diagnosis. But, there will also be great days. Like last Friday, when Pierce competed in his very first Special Olympics. He trained every day at school, and signed up to run a 400M. He crossed the finish line with an exuberant, "I WON!!" (He actually took 2nd place). The look of pure joy on his face when he was called to the podium to accept his ribbon is one I'll never forget. While he may not achieve the same milestones that his friends are, he IS reaching goals of his own everyday. Goals I didn't envision years ago when autism was new to us and I was just trying to make it through the day without a colossal meltdown (from him OR from me). So when I have these pity parties, I have to remember what Pierce has managed to accomplish in his 16 years, and try to focus on the successes that are possible for him in the future. 

Latest Developments

Several people have asked how my sister is doing. In an earlier post, I explained how hospice was called in for her 3 months ago. She was given 2 months to live. Obviously, she has exceeded that time frame. I haven't updated everyone on the latest developments with Jeannie, because I really didn't think I could explain the situation accurately. Jeannie's health is not improving. However, she has been removed from hospice care, because the doctor decided she was no longer dying and could live with the disease she has. I'm not going to try to explain his thinking on this. She now finds herself at the mercy of the medical community, somewhere she never wanted to be ever again. She will be the guinea pig, while doctors try to figure out what to do with her. She had mentally prepared herself that it was time to go Home, but doctors want to rewrite the way this story ends. They are in favor of "helping" her continue to "live" here on earth. I am heartbroken that she has to endure more pain and suffering. But while her family and friends are distressed about this situation, Jeannie is absolutely devastated.

I know you have questions, and I do, too. But unfortunately, there just aren't any good answers. Instead, we wait. We cry out for mercy. And though it is so very hard, we trust that God is in control and working in a time frame that makes sense to only Him right now. Jeannie and our entire family are so very grateful for all of your prayers and words of encouragement. We humbly ask that you continue to lift our family up in prayer. Much love to you all. 

Letter To My 13-Year-Old Daughter

My dear Reagan,

Tomorrow, you become an official teenager. I'm excited for you, even if this moment is a little bittersweet. I look forward to seeing what the teen years hold for you, but it does make me a bit sad to know that our time together is growing shorter. I'll try not to gush over you too much, but I want you to know just what an incredible person I think you are. While you are gorgeous on the outside, it is your personality and character that make me beam. The compassion and patience you have for your brother sometimes moves me to tears. You are kind and considerate of everyone's feelings, and rarely do I hear you say an unkind word about anyone. You always seem so full of joy and and have such a positive attitude about life. You're comfortable in your own skin, and not eager to change just to make people like you. I sometimes joke with people that you are your father's child; you embody all of the same qualities that made me fall in love with him. Sometimes when I look at you, my heart is so full of love, I feel like my heart will burst and I have to catch my breath. I absolutely love this stage you are in. I cherish the fact that you still talk to me and your dad about the important (and silly) things in your life. 

I'm not going to lie or sugar-coat things. While your teen years will be full of good times and fun, they will also be a challenge. You will be faced with dilemmas you've never had to deal with before. Friendships will have their ups and downs, and be full of drama at times. Your parents might drive you crazy (just know that it isn't intentional). School will get tougher. You'll be busier, and will need to learn how to prioritize. You'll be interested in boys, and they'll be interested in you, but teen "love" is tricky; you should expect to have your heart broken a time or two. You're going to want to test boundaries and take risks (it's the very nature of a teenager to rebel). You'll make great decisions, but occasionally you'll make some bad ones. Sometimes you'll come out unscathed, but many times, you'll get caught when you mess up. Maybe you've had glimpses of this as a kid, but as a teen, it will become more clear just how unfair life can be; how cruel people can be. People will try to steal your joy. Don't let them. They'll tell you to give up, or better yet, don't even try, because you'll only fail. People will try to define you. Believe in yourself, be true to yourself. Remember who you belong to...you are a daughter of the King. His voice is the only one that matters (well, maybe mom and dad a little...).

While much of this stage of your life scares me, that's not what keeps me awake at night. My biggest fear is that I will be too critical, too overbearing, and push you away to the point you no longer feel you can talk to me. I know I have the potential to do this, and the thought of alienating you, terrifies me and breaks my heart. I need you to know that you will never screw up so badly that you can't talk to me about it. Your teen angst will never be too trivial to share with me. Most of all, if you don't feel comfortable talking to me or your dad whenever you have a problem, please talk to someone. I don't EVER want you to feel that it's better to face your problems alone. Asking for help doesn't make you weak or look stupid; it's one of the wisest decisions you can make. I may get frustrated with you at times, but I will never be disappointed in you. We all make mistakes. I've made some doozies in my time. I will do my best not to remind you of past mistakes, make you feel ashamed of yourself, or say "I told you so". Understand that with mistakes, there will be consequences. However, I won't think any less of you as a person or love you any less. I will ALWAYS be in your corner. 

Love forever,

Mom