I'm Not Who I Was

A week or two ago, I got an email notifying me that I'd been added to a new group on Facebook. It was a group for my high school graduating class of 1992. It seems it's time to start planning our 20th reunion. I have to be honest and say that the very thought of my upcoming reunion fills my heart with fear and dread. I'm sure I'm not the first, and I won't be the last to feel that way. I didn't go to my 10th reunion, but it wasn't because I had aged or put on weight. I didn't attend my 10th and don't want to go back for my 20th, because I don't like being reminded of the person I used to be.

There's a quote from the movie Hope Floats that has always stuck with me. It's at the very end; the little girl in the movie begins to narrate, then her mom takes over: "My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life. But, I think he's wrong. I think my mom's right. She says...Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. ...Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most". I've heard some people describe their youth as fun and carefree. For me, my teenage years were the most stressful of my entire life. Us grownups may look at our youth now and call their teen angst silly and trivial, but I'm here to tell you that I thought my drama was rather serious. I was never a very confident child, but in my teens I was plagued with a nearly crippling lack of self confidence. I was (and still am) a very introverted and shy person. I had people tell me that they tried to say "hello" to me in the halls, but I never heard them because I was looking at the floor and moving as quickly as I could to get to my next class. I didn't want to be in the hall any longer than I had to be. I had friends, great ones in fact, but I always felt awkward in social situations. I was ridiculously skinny, my body had no shape, my hair was thick and frizzy, and I had (have) a big, ugly nose. I did have some fun times. I loved music (it was the one thing I thought I was good at), so I was a band nerd. That certainly didn't help me win any popularity contests, though. Every August, I thought, "This is my year". The boys are going to notice me, and I might actually have a boyfriend. The popular kids won't treat me like a geek. Alas, every school year went the same as the one before. I'd fall head over heels in unrequited love with a couple of different guys only to have my heart broken over and over again when I would find out that they had absolutely no interest in me. I would get up the nerve to get involved in social events, only to try too hard and end up feeling like a fool. I hated school from the very first day of first grade. Because I was smart, I got pretty good grades but could've gotten great grades if I had made more of an effort. I was so easily overwhelmed with tests and homework. Honestly, though, I felt like school was a waste of my time. I didn't care about college, and I didn't want a career. Go ahead and call me old-fashioned, but all I really wanted was to fall in love, get married and be a mom. So, those 4 years of high school were pure torture. I was depressed most of the time. The anxiety of dealing with the pressures of school work and the desire to fit in kept me from eating breakfast in the mornings, because my stomach was a bundle of nerves. I also had constant tension headaches. I was a very angry and negative person. I was so jealous of the beautiful people. I had a very bad habit of talking about other people's faults, because, I guess, I thought that would make me look better. I felt that my station in life was unfair. Because of my behavior and the fact that I was very much the introvert and didn't come off as totally friendly, I heard rumors that many people thought I was a snob or a bitch.

Thankfully, God rescued me by sending Tim my way. He was in my Trig class my junior (his senior) year. We knew of each other because we ran in some of the same geeky circles. I took a chance (at my mother's prodding) and asked Tim to the Junior/Senior prom, and he said yes. We dated during that summer, but when he left for college, he suggested we should just be friends. He told me later that it had become very hard to be with someone as negative as I was. I realized that I had to make a change. In my letters to him, I stopped ranting about how much I hated life and tried to focus on the positives. I had loosened up a little at school, too. I was tired of trying so hard to fit in; if it hadn't happened by this my senior year, it wasn't going to happen. I opted for the more alternative, grunge clothing and music, instead of the preppy stuff everyone else was wearing and listening to. I managed to win Tim back. After I attended just one completely miserable year of college, Tim proposed and we made plans to get married that same year. I had a couple of friends try to council me. They told me I would regret dropping out of college and getting married at 19. I even ran into some fellow high school alumni, and when I told them I was getting married, their gaze dropped down to my abdomen. Some people assumed that if I was getting married this young, it must be a shotgun wedding! I don't know why the idea that we could actually be ready to make this commitment was so foreign! May be we were just more mature than others our age, I don't know.

Fast forward nearly 20 years to now. I'm a wife and mom like I always wanted to be. Yes, my life is stressful from time to time with marital and parenting issues. However, you couldn't pay me enough money to go back to high school even for a day. I have NEVER regretted dropping out of college or getting married at such a young age. I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I ever was in my adolescence. I still have my insecurities, but they aren't as crippling as they were years ago. I still feel awkward socially, but I try, and I don't beat myself up (too much, anyway) if I do something stupid. Tim has helped me to overcome so much of the negativity I used to be filled with. I'm a more positive person, for the most part. I understand now that some people just have the personality to be popular and loved more than others, and I shouldn't be envious of that. To those that I talked about in high school, I apologize. To those that thought I wanted nothing to do with you, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. Maybe you will see me at next year's reunion. It's something I will be praying about and psyching myself up for. After all, I have a year to prepare!

There is a song by Brandon Heath that sums things up rather well. I almost feel like he was in my head when he wrote this. I don't feel like I've totally arrived at being the person I want to be, but I'm so much closer than I was 20 years ago.

I'm Not Who I Was

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was